Posted in: Mr. Tito
MR. TITO'S PHAT ROYAL RUMBLE REVIEW - LOL @ Daniel Bryan NOT in the Rumble Match. Told You So...
By Mr. Tito
Jan 26, 2014 - 10:51:55 PM

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Welcome to the ROYAL RUMBLE review column from yours truly, Mr. Tito. I've reviewed many Royal Rumbles throughout the year and it's the one event that I'm always pumped for no matter what the rest of the card is. The Royal Rumble match always draws me in. I almost made it to Pittsburgh, PA this year for the event to finally see a major Pay Per View live and in person... But the costs associated with the event would be too much and attempting to get through the infrastructure disaster known as Pittsburgh just weren't appealing to me. I'm really laughing now that the weather is horrible. Relaxing at home while enjoying Royal Rumble in full HD was a better choice.

Onto the RUMBLE:

Pre-Show Match: Goldust/Cody Rhodes (c) vs. New Age Outlaws for the WWE Tag Titles
So the New Age Outlaws are supposed to be the heels here but they are doing their old DX babyface promo... Seems to me like Road Dogg still has it but it's taking Billy Gunn a little longer to get in ring shape. It's amusing because Goldust is there and may have wrestled longer than Gunn/Road Dogg and yet Goldust is not showing his age. LOL - The WWE actually ran a Royal Rumble commercial in the middle of this match. Classic stuff! Nice move by Goldust as he flipped around Road Dogg to perform a mini-Power Bomb (I'm sure that some Indy Wrestler does it and the move has a name... First time I've seen it!). Goldust acted as the "face in peril" and Cody got the hot tag. BONZO GONZO as Scott Keith would say. Nice missile dropkick by Cody to hit both New Age Outlaws. Road Dogg went for the pumphandle slam but Cody reversed it into the Cross Rhodes. Save by Gunn on the pin and eventually, Billy Gunn got the tag and snuck in to hit the Fameasser for the win! Holy crap, new champions! Solid tag match!
WINNERS: NEW Tag Team Champions, New Age Outlaws
Tito's Match Rating: ***

Quite a treat to have that on the Pre-Show.

I'm enjoying the Pre-Show panel with "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Ric Flair, and Shawn Michaels. It's especially nice to hear the WWE letting Jim Duggan speak intelligently instead of like a moron who lets Bobby "the Brain" Heenan verbally thrash him like back in the day on Prime Time Wrestling.

Awesome opening to the Rumble... Say what you will about Kevin Dunn, but he's a great producer and makes the product look great with promos and excellent use of past footage.

Jackson Hewitt as a Pay Per View sponsor? OK... I know that it's tax season, but I don't think much of them as a wrestling sponsor. But hey, wrestling fans have to pay taxes too.

HOT OPENER: Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt
Oh boy, this is how to get the normally calm Pittsburgh crowd going. Loud "YES!" chants for his entrance. Ricardo working the Spanish announce table? Time to shine in the ring, Bray Wyatt. If you can't look good against Bryan, then you should go back to NXT. Looks like we're going to have plenty of Wyatt family interference but then the referee tosses both. Early on, Bryan is acting like a high flier and Bray hit a brutal chop on Bryan to knock him off the top rope. Bryan seems to be dominating this match and Wyatt is selling the offense well. Nice battle along the ropes between Bryan and Bray where suplexes over the top rope were tried but Wyatt got the better of it with an armbar drop off the apron. That put Wyatt on the offensive... And now, the "HUSKY HARRIS" chants as many in the IWC are probably ready to go mental. Brutal looking moves by Bray along the ringpost to smash Bryan's head in, selling the concussion injury. Bray Wyatt is finally showing what he's capable in the ring. Lots of unique looking moves... Wait, why is he crawling with his belly in the air? Bryan finally gets the offensive advantage and the fans are recognizing a great match with "THIS IS AWESOME" chants. Awesome Tornado DDT by Bryan off the apron! Nice counters, back to back. Bryan reversed Wyatt's finisher with a roll up and then Wyatt blocked the YES! Lock by biting his hand! DEVASTATING move by Wyatt to slam Bryan's head into the outside to prompt "HOLY SHIT" and "THIS AWESOME" chants. Wyatt then hits the Sister Abigail finisher to win. I'm fine with that finish given how awesome that match was and the psychology of Wyatt destoying Bryan on the outside barrier. That should hurt anybody.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt
Tito's Match Rating: ****1/2, this is the "Match of the Year" bar. Holy cow!

I've said it for a while now, folks... If you want to get Bray Wyatt over, actually let him wrestle good matches instead of sitting in rocking chairs and just being an over the top character. WWE is still a wrestling company, last time I checked.

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar
Brock attacks Big Show as he hits the ring and also clobbers Big Show with a steel chair. So a former UFC Heavyweight Champion needs to cheat to defeat another human being? OK, WWE... For whatever reason, the referee hasn't signaled for the opening bell. Joke is on me as the WWE was setting up a KO Punch by Big Show just as the referee called for the bell when Lesnar was attempting another chairshot. Some offense by Big Show but eventually Brock Lesnar lifted up the Big Show for an impressive F5. Lousy match, in my opinion... Too much on selling Lesnar as a classic wrestling heel when he should be booked to be more dangerous than that... Lesnar continued the chair beatdowns on the Big Show after the match. Meh, I don't get what this adds to Lesnar and nobody is coming from the back to stop this. I guess it was a way around Big Show's recently sustained injury but this match was disappointing otherwise.
WINNER: Brock Lesnar
Tito's Rating: 1/2*, not much of a match.

Randy Orton (c) vs. John Cena for WWE World Heavyweight Title
Uh oh... WWE Title match before the Rumble. Loser of this match could possibly win the Rumble. Pittsburgh fans gave Cena a mixed reaction, as there must be more adults in the building to override the kiddies. Am I hearing "Daniel Bryan" chants? And now the "Let's Go Cena / Cena SUCKS" chants. And now "We Want Tables"... Fans are already bored of this match. "Daniel Bryan" chants again. Keep those coming, Pittsburgh! "Boring" chants. As a columnist, I don't know what to comment on with all of these basic moves and weardowns. "You both suck", ouch! Orton wisely gets on the top rope to pose to maybe divert heat and Cena plays up the crowd with a Knuckle Shuffle, but Orton kicked out of it. Both guys are hitting all of their trademark stuff but nothing unique. As my brother said and I agree, this "feels like a RAW match". Referee bump and Cena is unable to win with the STFU despite Randy tapping out. Orton uses the big gold belt as a foreign object for 2 count only. "THIS IS AWFUL" chants and then Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment but Orton kicked out. Now a RKO but 2 count only. LOL, my brother said Vince has to be pissed off backstage about this match and calling Pittsburgh fans a "bunch of Bruno lovers". LOL! Wow, I like Orton's botched STFU attempt because he has the Sleeper Hold locked in at the same time. That could be a more effective move. Hey, the Crossface by Cena... Where's the DISCLAIMER?!? Now, Orton hits the Attitude Adjustment. What, are we stealing pages from Rock vs. Austin now with traded finishers? Now, a Cena RKO... *Yawn*, paint by the numbers here. STFU applied... But Bray Wyatt and Family provides a distraction to John Cena for the 1, 2, 3... Oh my, they are REALLY going with John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania 30.
WINNER: Randy Orton
Tito's Rating: ***

After the match, the Wyatt Family attacked John Cena. "YES!" chants erupt by these Bruno loving Pittsburgh fans.

ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH - Winner gets WWE Title Shot at Wrestlemania 30
CM Punk as the #1 entrant thanks to his little feud with Kane (or the Authority). I LOVE that Living Colour theme. That band owes Punk a huge THANK YOU for those iTunes royalties coming in. Seth Rollins is at #2. This is where I WISH that I was in Pittsburgh to see this live. Damn you Stub Hub and your expensive price gouging!!! Damien Sandow at #3 as the heels now go after Punk. Nice neckbreaker and DDT move by Punk on Sandow/Rollins. Cody Rhodes at #4 and he looks pissed after losing the tag titles. Sandow is the first one eliminated and now Cody/Punk work on Rollins. KANE is #5! That's awesome! He's in the dress clothes but it's a wonderful surprise and it's credible because Kane has a great history in the Rumble. Kane tried the chokeslam but was roundhouse kicked and then thrown over the top by CM Punk. Nice! Alexander Rusev from NXT is #6 and big guy can move even with going barefoot! #7, it's Jack Swagger as Zeb Colter has a great sign about every 90 seconds, another illegal crosses the border. LOL! #8, we have Kofi Kingston and he comes in with a flying clothesline. Jimmy Uso at #9 with a head of steam. I love that Samoans always win headbutting contests... Now, we have Kevin Nash's explanation of the Royal Rumble: everybody go to a corner so that nobody blows out a knee! #10 is Goldust and he's cleaning house but quickly gets chopped down with too many wrestlers now in the ring.

Rusev was eliminated and then Kofi Kingston was thrown over the ropes but into Ruseve's arms. Rusev puts Kofi on the barrier which means we're going to get something crazy here to keep Kofi alive. Holy cow, what a jump from the barrier to the ring. Dean Ambrose is #11 and the Shield now has 2 members in the ring. Dolph Ziggler is #12 and let's hope he doesn't get dropped on his head... In other words, stay away from Ryback! R-Truth is #13 and he's quickly eliminated. Shield knocks Jimmy Uso off the top rope. Kofi continues the crazy stuff by hanging by the ropes and pulling off Swagger's boot. Uh oh, Kevin Nash enters as #14 with the NWO music. I LOVE IT! Nash eliminates Swagger. CM Punk should go after him after the 2011 crap. Does anybody remember history? Roman Reigns now at #15 and the full Shield is present in the ring. Reigns is on fire with a dropkick to enter the ring and then tosses Kofi. Lots of spears, too. Dolph Ziggler gets tossed by Reigns and then Nash foolishly tries to chase Reigns, only for Reigns to pull down the ropes. Nash is out. The Great Khali at #16 as a Pittsburgh fan holds up a "JOBBER" sign. Ouch. Shield teams up and tosses Khali. Goldust accidentally eliminates Cody Rhodes and then Reigns tosses Goldust. Turmoil! Shield attacks CM Punk and then Sheamus returns to the WWE by being #17 and Casper, I mean Sheamus, attacks the Shield. Sheamus is cleaning house! Miz at #18 and he must be a babyface tonight with the way he's attacking the Shield. I think? #19 is Fandango and fans are singing away at his song. And now a "Daniel Bryan" chant. #20 is El Tortito for comedic relief and everybody is selling the small guy's Frankensteiners. What the hell? El Torito takes care of Fandango. Oh my! Roman Reigns does what Fandango couldn't do and that's press slam that little guy out of the ring.

At #21, we have Antonio Cesaro with Zeb Colter having a new sign that says "you could time it yourself but they stole your watch", LOL! Giant Swing and European Uppercuts to make me mark out. Why isn't he pushed as the next Main Event star yet? Went forever on that Swing of Rollins. Luke Harper at #22. Jey Uso at #23. Just wasted opportunities to have more surprise superstars, older veterans, or NXT debuts. Not sure what the purpose of having tag wrestlers in this Rumble has ever made. Ohhhhh, John Bradshaw Layfield at #24 and in a full suit. Nice! I love it! And a wasted opportunity to let JBL run a little bit, as JBL is quickly eliminated when he was trying to hand Michael Cole his suit. #25 is Erick Rowan. Works on Miz and along with Harper, helps Miz to get eliminated. Uso gets eliminated by the Wyatts. At #26, we get Ryback as I hope for everyone's safety. Alberto Del Rio is #27 and delivers a nice slapkick to Ryback. Both #1 and #2, Punk and Rollins, have been in there for over 40 minutes now. Batista at #28 and fans are booing him in Pittsburgh. Bunch of Bruno lovers! Erick Rowan eliminated and now Ryback and Batista are brawling, which doesn't end well for Ryback. Gone. Del Rio is now after Batista. Using one arm, Batista lifts Del Rio over the top rope to eliminate him. #29 is Big E Langston. Fans are chanting "YES!" and "Daniel Bryan" for spot #30. LOL, it's Rey Mysterio and fans are unhappy. Fans are shitting all over the Rumble now! Ouch!

Big E Langston is out next and then the fans cheer Rey Mysterio's elimination because of the lack of Daniel Bryan. Reigns now eliminates Roman Reigns but then Dean Ambrose tries to eliminate Reigns. Rollins questions him and as both Rollins/Ambrose tries to eliminate Cesaro, Reigns eliminates all 3. Oh, the drama! FINAL FOUR: CM Punk, Roman Reigns, Sheamus, and Batista. Kane sneaks and eliminates CM Punk. Chokeslam through a table now. I'm OK with that as it builds towards CM Punk vs. Triple H. More boos and "Daniel Bryan" chants with Sheamus, Reigns, and Batista in the ring. And now "NO! NO! NO!" chants, even when Sheamus slaps his chest. These darn Bruno fans! Reigns knocks Sheamus off the apron and now we have Reigns and Batista. Batista is completely blown up, by the way. Get that man some oxygen! Fans are cheering for Roman Reigns now despite him probably making millions less than Batista. Boos for Batista's spear but huge pop for Reigns. Out of no where, Batista tosses Reigns to win the Wrestlemania 30 shot. LOL, we're getting Batista vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Title. Oh **** me...
WINNER: Batista
Tito's Rating: N/A - Rumble match is always entertaining... No Bryan, though... That's a problem.

LAST WORD: WWE Creative needs to start listening to the fans. They want Daniel Bryan but the WWE would rather push Bray Wyatt HARD to get a match with John Cena at Wrestlemania 30 and also another match-up that nobody wants to see at Wrestlemania in Batista vs. Randy Orton. McMahons and Triple H are stubborn in their ways but there's no competition to stop them. As wrestling fans, unfortunately, we have to endure this. It's going to be hard to convince me to buy WWE Network with these creative team jokes. Not even putting Daniel Bryan in the Royal Rumble was an absolute joke! At least put him in there to satisfy the fans in attendance and buying the show. WWE gets a C+ for that show, but only because the show fell apart after Bryan vs. Wyatt and then had a shitty Rumble match without Bryan in the match.

By the way, Internet Wrestling Community... I thought you told me that Daniel Bryan was going to a) win the Royal Rumble and b) get the WWE Title at Wrestlemania 30? OOOOPS!

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