Recently, I saw a post on the WWEOnNetflix social media accounts that featured Big E being asked to build “the ultimate WWE Superstar” using the following categories:
– Entrance
– Athleticism
– Physique
– Technique
– Mic Skills
– Finisher
– Charisma
– Fit (aka attire)
In case you missed it, he chose The Undertaker’s entrance, Nathan Frazer’s athleticism, Bianca Belair’s physique, Pete Dunne’s technique, CM Punk’s mic skills, Randy Orton’s finisher, Jey Uso’s charisma, and Seth Rollins’ fit.
None of his picks were what you’d call insane. Pretty standard stuff, really.
After seeing the video, I figured it would be a fun little exercise to do in a column. To “beef” things up a bit, though, I’m going to do three versions of it, all using the aforementioned categories. I’ll build my modern day ultimate wrestler, my all-time ultimate wrestler, and then have some fun on the opposite end with my choices for the worst possible wrestler.
Simple enough, no?
Let’s get to it.
Modern Day Entrance: Some of you aren’t going to like it, but I’m giving this to Jey Uso. Even the “Jey can’t wrestle” crowd can agree that his entrance is special. The music hits, and tens of thousands of people get to yeeting in unison. It’s simple, it’s fun, and it’s interactive. Lots of entertainment value.
All-Time Entrance: While The Undertaker has an incredibly memorable entrance, both from the Deadman and American Badass characters, he isn’t my choice here. I’m going with an entrance that was so enthralling and beloved that it literally helped to change the entire wrestling business. The music even has its own catchphrase… when you hear the glass, it’s your ass. Yes, my choice here is none other than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. The glass shattering, the guitar riffs in the theme, Austin himself talking trash on his way to the ring… it all worked perfectly, and it caused some of the greatest and loudest crowd reactions that wrestling has ever seen.
Worst Entrance: I’m going with Right To Censor here. First and foremost, their entrance “music” was atrocious. I understand that it was supposed to be annoying, but that doesn’t make it any less painful to the ears. The group members seemed to stretch their entrance out as long as possible, too, making sure that we had to hear the theme even more. They could’ve come out, butt ass naked, juggling flaming chainsaws while they rode gigantic unicycles, and it wouldn’t make the entrance interesting.
Modern Day Athleticism: Of all the wrestling I watch these days, nobody makes me shake my head in amazement more than Je’Von Evans. There are a ton of super athletic performers in the business right now, as the sport continues shifting away from the jacked 300-plus pound power wrestlers. Je’Von seems to be on another level, though. A lot of wrestlers can “fly,” but Je’Von seems like he floats. Gravity? Who cares about something silly like that?
All-Time Athleticism: If you asked most fans what they think of when the word “athleticism” is brought up, I’d be willing to bet that most of them would mention things like moonsaults, suicide dives, 450 splashes, and things of that nature. The smaller wrestlers tend to come to mind first. My pick here has never been a smaller man. In fact, Brock Lesnar is an insanely large man. However, Brock has checked every single box for athleticism by its very definition. Merriam-Webster describes athleticism as “the combination of qualities (such as speed, strength, and agility) that are characteristic of an athlete.” Brock has always gotten credit for his insane levels of strength, but have you seen him run? “Explosive” isn’t a good enough word to describe it. Agility? Go ahead and watch him jump from the ringside area to the ring apron, and do it with ease. The man left pro wrestling to try out for the NFL, even though he hadn’t played football in a decade. He went on to sign with the Minnesota Vikings, even after he was injured in a motorcycle accident, and was one of the final players cut before the 2004 season. The things he does shouldn’t be possible for someone that is much smaller in stature, but the fact that he does it at damn near 300 pounds blows my mind.
Worst Athleticism: Technically, he isn’t a “wrestler,” but he’s certainly been in the ring enough, so I’m choosing Vince McMahon here. Have you ever watched any of his matches? Seen his segments, going back to his feud with “Stone Cold” Steve Austin? To call him clumsy would be the understatement of the century. Time and time again, he would bumble and stumble around, tripping over his own two feet and ending up on his ass after doing something easy like throwing a punch. Forget having two left feet. I don’t know how the math works, but Vince has three left feet.
Modern Day Physique: I think a lot of people think “who has the largest muscles” when it comes to topics like this, but my pick here certainly isn’t the biggest dog in the fight, so to speak. However, when it comes to the physique of Finn Balor, I’d put it up against anyone in the sport today. The man has more abs than most human beings have years lived on this planet, and he seems to have a negative body fat percentage. He looks computer generated. Life isn’t fair.
All-Time Physique: I’m going in a similar direction here as I did for the last entry. There are plenty of wrestlers who, technically, had bigger muscles than “Ravishing” Rick Rude, but the man looked like he was chiseled out of granite. Muscles everywhere, and on a frame that wasn’t small. Finn Balor looks the way he does, but has probably never weighed over 200 pounds in his entire life. Rick Rude looked the way he did, and he did it at a size that made him look like he “belonged” in the ring with heavyweights like The Ultimate Warrior, Sting, Nikita Koloff, and other great physiques of his era.
Worst Physique: For this, I’m going to go with a name that many of you have never heard of. He was a comedy wrestler back in the mid-2000’s, but my goodness, he was a mess to look at. Even though he didn’t have a long career, American Balloon is the choice here. If you’ve never heard of him, just head over to Google and do an image search for “American Balloon wrestler” to see why I chose him.
Modern Day Technique: As much as I’ve praised Will Ospreay for being the best wrestler alive for a few years straight, I couldn’t pick anyone but him here. When that opening bell sounds, there isn’t anything he can’t do in the ring, and that has helped him to have one of pro wrestling’s all-time greatest runs of match quality, across several promotions on four different continents.
All-Time Technique: There have been a lot of great technical wrestlers in the history of the business, and many of them have very successful amateur wrestling backgrounds to go with it. However, if we’re going to talk about successful amateur backgrounds, we need to talk about Kurt Angle, who is the most successful amateur wrestler to ever turn pro. It’s not like he coasted by on his previous accolades, either. He turned to pro wrestling, and despite not being a fan of it before, he picked the pro game up quicker than just about any newcomer ever has. He turned that into becoming one of the best pro wrestlers of all-time, carving out a career for himself that saw him capable of working just about any style, against just about any opponent, in multiple promotions.
Worst Technique: There have been a lot of “bad” wrestlers through the years, but I don’t think there has been a worse one than El Gigante/Giant Gonzalez. I know a lot of people would consider The Great Khali for this spot, but I think Khali was able to be carried to something watchable with the right opponent. Khali has matches with the likes of John Cena, Triple H, Batista, Rey Mysterio, and Finlay that you could watch without wanting to poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick. El Gigante, on the other hand… my goodness… he could barely move, was clearly not trained well, and had zero idea what to do in the ring on a spot-to-spot basis.
Modern Day Mic Skills: Whether you like him or not, I think this one has to be CM Punk. Through the years, he has perfected the art of speaking from the heart, and has delivered some of the most passionate promos in the sport’s history. Even now, after all these years, he is still able to have entire arenas eating out of the palm of his hand when he’s on the mic.
All-Time Mic Skills: If you’ve been reading my work through the years, you should already know that Mick Foley is my choice here. Nobody in the history of the business has been able to shine on the mic in such a wide variety of ways like Mick has been able to do. He has the ability to make you terrified of him, but also the ability to feel all the sympathy and empathy in the world for him. There are promos in his catalog that can make you laugh your ass off, and there are also promos that can make you cry. The man is a genius.
Worst Mic Skills: Honestly, I’m going with Ahmed Johnson here. He’s someone who fit in perfectly with the WWF product at the time he was there, and had just about everything going for him to have a legendary career there… but he couldn’t speak worth a damn. His marble-mouthed delivery made it almost impossible to understand anything he said, and in the rare occasion you did understand the words coming out of his mouth, they simply didn’t make any sense. He’s a gang member, though, so remember that, I guess.
Modern Day Finisher: Normally, I’m not the biggest fan of this particular finisher, as more often than not, the person performing it doesn’t make it look great. However, when it comes to Bron Breakker’s Spear, all that changes. He looks like he should he breaking people in half when he hits it. It has become a real work of art as he gets more experience in hitting it.
All-Time Finisher: He didn’t invent the move, but what “Stone Cold” Steve Austin did with the Stone Cold Stunner is spectacular. It was a move he could hit on anyone, which is an important factor all by itself. The sudden violence of it works, too. It’s a move that looks like it should hurt you a ton if it was a “real” thing done to somebody. It was a “flash bulb” move, and one that made fans across the world lose their minds when they saw it.
Worst Finisher: This one goes to Scotty 2 Hotty’s Worm. The only thing that made me think about it for a second is that he wasn’t exactly winning thousands of matches with it, but it still counts. The People’s Elbow? It’s still a 275-pound man dropping an elbow to your chest. Hulk Hogan’s Legdrop? It’s still a 300-pound man dropping his entire leg across your face. Santino’s Cobra? It’s still a jab to the throat area. The Great Khali’s chop to the head? It’s still a frying pan being slammed on the top of your forehead. Scotty’s setup took entirely too long, and the move itself ended up being nothing more than a chop to a random spot in the upper half of an opponent’s body. Not a chop from the hand of The Great Khali, but of someone who isn’t all that big. Why?
Modern Day Charisma: I have to give this one to Cody Rhodes. There’s a reason WWE was so comfortable giving him the monster push they did, making him THE guy. Cody has been able to capture the hearts of wrestling fans all over the world, and now, they hang on his every word. He has the magnetic charm that is the very definition of the word “charisma.”
All-Time Charisma: I don’t think there’s any debating that this one belongs to The Rock. He’s “The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment” for a reason, and has been able to take that overwhelming charisma and dominate Hollywood for two decades, as well.
Worst Charisma: My pick here is someone who has dropped jaws all over the globe with his gravity defying offense for years. If he had even a single ounce of charisma in his entire body, he could’ve taken himself to World Title scenes for multiple wrestling promotions. As it is, Ricochet is someone who needs to be given a manager, or at least the gimmick of a mute. He’s incredible in the ring, but holy hell, is he boring when he tries to speak or show any sort of personality. That even translates to social media, where he is as boring as watching paint fuck, or whatever the saying is.
Modern Day Fit: Sure, a lot of people make fun of Seth Rollins, but nobody in the business seems to care more about what they’re wearing than Seth does. He wants to be the center of attention as soon as he steps out from behind those curtains, and if that means making some fashion choices that most people wouldn’t make, so be it. Even when it comes to actual ring gear, Seth always looks sharp. When he decides to rock his white ring gear, you know you’re about to get a special in-ring performance, too, so that’s an added bonus.
All-Time Fit: Bret “The Hitman” Hart. In the first edition of my GOAT Talk column series, I named him as being the GOAT of ring gear. From his iconic sunglasses to his leather jackets to his actual singlets… he made wearing pink look cool for multiple generations of males who grew up being told that men shouldn’t wear that particular color.
Worst Fit: Hey, someone is getting their second nomination! I have to go with Giant Gonzalez here. The airbrushed muscle suit, with all the random patches of “fur” all over it… Jesus Herbert Christ. I know that Vince McMahon isn’t exactly known for a ton of great ideas that he came up with on his own, but this was stupid, even for him. How did he not see how dumb that looked?
This is where I turn things over to you. You certainly don’t have to do every topic, plus the all-time and worst categories, but I at least want to hear how you would create the ultimate wrestling star using the initial categories that Big E used. As always, feel free to hit me up in the comments section below, or on Bluesky (@aaronhyden.bsky.social), and let me know what’s on your mind.
Now, let’s get to my Weekly Power Rankings, before closing things out with the list of songs I was listening to as I put this column together.
Weekly Power Rankings
Will Ospreay & “Hangman” Adam Page vs Konosuke Takeshita & Josh Alexander: It’s hilarious how often we see wrestling companies go with the “CAN THEY COEXIST?!?” tag matches, and that goes back as far as I can remember. It’s such an easy story to put together.
AJ Styles vs Finn Balor: Former Bullet Club leaders go at it! High quality stuff here. This could’ve taken place on just about any WWE pay-per-view and fit right in.
FrAxiom vs DIY: Another match for Nathan Frazer and Axiom on the main roster, and another banger for Nathan Frazer and Axiom on the main roster. They have made the already loaded tag team division on Smackdown even deeper, and it has been fun to watch.
Iyo Sky & Rhea Ripley vs Roxanne Perez & Giulia: I love that Rhea still has her eyes on the Women’s World Title, even with her partnership with Iyo going on. Hopefully it doesn’t lead to a heel turn for Rhea, as I’d like to see her continue on as a face for a while, but I guess we’ll see.
Tiffany Stratton vs Nia Jax: Nia continues her run as one of the most improved workers in the business today. She keeps having really good matches, and I don’t think she’s getting anywhere near the credit she deserves for it.
“Timeless” Toni Storm vs Mina Shirakawa vs AZM vs Skye Blue: One, it’s great to see Skye Blue back. Two, it’s great to see Mina Shirakawa, full stop. Three, there never is a three. Four, I’d love to see AZM in AEW more often.
Penta vs Chad Gable: It’s good to see Gable bounce back after being a shocking omission from the WrestleMania card. Most other wrestlers would’ve folded under that type of disappointment, but Chad Gable isn’t your everyday man, nor is he a regular American. In fact, one could say that he is a great American. The great American, if you will.
Darby Allin: The list of people who have made it to the top of Mount Everest isn’t very long. Darby now has his name on that list. That’s an amazing accomplishment. The list of people who have made it to the top of Mount Everest and then made it back down to the bottom is even shorter. Good luck to Darby and his group on making that trek.
The War Raiders vs The Creed Brothers: Two teams of big, badass dudes, looking to beat the hell out of each other. I dig it. More of this, please. Hell, more of the Creeds, please. They haven’t been used right in a long time.
Aleister Black vs Carmelo Hayes: These two were having a really fun match until a bad ending took place, but at least that leaves the door open for a rematch. That works for me.
Oba Femi vs Charlie Dempsey: The NXT Champion has taken on a bunch of opponents, with varying in-ring styles, but it was fun to see him battle Dempsey and his European style mat wrestling. We all knew Dempsey wasn’t going to win, but he was able to look good in a loss here.
Jimmy Uso vs Rey Fenix vs Solo Sikoa: A case could’ve been made for all three men to be added to this year’s Money In The Bank field, but it was Solo who got the win. The company still wants to make Solo a thing, clearly, so it makes sense.
Toa Liona & Bishop Kaun vs Big Bill & Bryan Keith: Big Bill and Bryan Keith are so much more fun to watch without that fucking albatross, Chris Jericho, around. Unfortunately, the Fozzy tour just came to an end, so Jericho is going to be back on AEW programming at any moment now.
Stephanie Vaquer & Jordynne Grace vs Fallon Henley & Jacy Jayne: CAN STEPHANIE AND JORDYNNE COEXIST?!? See? It happens all the time. Too often, many would say. Good match here, with all four women looking good in the process.
Myles Borne vs Ethan Page: Smart idea to give Myles Borne a strong victory leading up to his match against Oba Femi at NXT Battleground. He’s got a really bright future ahead of him. Anybody think he’ll shock the world and become the brand new NXT Champion this weekend?
This Week’s Playlist: “You Want My All” by Snoop Dogg & Akeem Ali… “No Rain, No Flowers” by The Black Keys… “Static” by Sleep Theory… “III” by Sleep Theory… “Stuck In My Head” by Sleep Theory… “Gravity” by Sleep Theory… “Numb” by Sleep Theory… “Play This At My Funeral” by Xzibit… “Everywhere I Go” by Xzibit & Dem Jointz… “Foreign Cars” by G Perico… “Oblivion” by Lorna Shore… “Limbo” by Deadlands… “All I Do” by Somethin’ For The People… “Curious” by LSG, LL Cool J, Busta Rhymes & MC Lyte… “My Body” by LSG… “I Belong To You (Every Time I See Your Face)” by Rome… “I Don’t Wanna See” by Link… “Down Bottom” by Drag-On & Juvenile… “It’s Going Down” by Parle… “WW III” by Snoop Dogg, Scarface, Jadakiss & Yung Wun… “I Got You Babe” by Mario Winans… “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles… “Goodbye, Sunshine” by Coheed and Cambria… “Searching For Tomorrow” by Coheed and Cambria… “Corner My Confidence” by Coheed and Cambria… “Someone Who Can” by Coheed and Cambria… “Welcome Home” by Coheed and Cambria… “The Artist In The Ambulance” by Thrice… “Can’t Be Saved” by Senses Fail… “Calling All Cars” by Senses Fail
