How to Write for LORDSOFPAIN.NET for Dummies Unsanitary Truth Sauce

How to Write for LORDSOFPAIN.NET for Dummies

I made the huge assumption that you know how to write the most basic of words and you can combine them into something that sort of resembles a sentence.  That second part isn’t as important as the first part.  I also made the foolish assumption that you enjoy pro-wrestling or writing about a subject that fans of pro-wrestling would enjoy reading.  If those two things don’t sound like you, then you probably accidently typed in this website when we all know what website you were really looking for, and it’s not a .net URL.  Either way, you should stop what you’re doing and watch something on the WWE Network, and I have great news: neither activity involves both hands or putting your pants back on.

Lastly, I’m making the assumption that you want to hone your skills in an environment where like-minded individuals help coach and motivate you.  The only difficult part is deciding if you want to talk about sweaty half naked men rolling on top of each other to see who can hold the other one down the longest, or something weird.  Okay, now that we have all that figured out, here is How to Write for LORDSOFPAIN.NET … for dummies!

1 – Sign Up to the LORDSOFPAIN.NET Forums

            Believe it or not, this isn’t the first time I’ve told you to join the LOP Forums.  I’ve been whispering it to you in your sleep.   That, and I’m also the one that created that white banner you see to your right (computer) or bottom (phone) promoting the Columns section of the forums.  There’s a reason for that.  As a writer – and I’m not just talking about wrestling here – you want a safe place to write, period.  You want a place where you can write about that time you shook Randy Orton’s hand and you were so starstruck that you decided to never wash it, only to realize this week that every time you ate a chip you got an RKO outta nowhere so to speak.  Or that time when you gained 5lbs because you drank a lot of water after a run and Dave Meltzer talked about how you looked so much better before the run and now he wants to sleep with you a little less than before.  These stories and more are things you can write about in the Columns forum without any judgment.  Typically, you’ll get some feedback on your writing, some on your format, some on your tone, and plenty of conversation about your topic.

There’s only a few things you must read first.  Obviously, you’ll want to read the forum rules, but they’re all standard:  Don’t be an ass, don’t engage someone who’s being an ass, and no Stacy Keibler memes.  Someone who created the Columns forum really didn’t like asses, but rules are rules.  Second, read the rules that specifically apply to the Forum sections.  It’s a lot more specific than the forum rules, so you’ll want to read it, take a break, and then read it again with a cup of tea because over the course of your 5-minute break you’ve become fancy.  Third, there’s the 10 Commandments to not Getting Hated which isn’t a requirement, but it’s a nifty guide for people who don’t care to be hated at.  It discusses how to write and how to feedback properly so that the Columns forum runs like a well-oiled machine, or Dolph Ziggler’s hair.  Whichever is more oily.

2 – Get Comfortable Before Writing

Get comfy.  Take off your coat.  Hang up your hat.  Take off your shoes.  Put them back on, you’re not an animal.  Create a username.  Here’s the deal: your username is the beginning of your branding.  One thing you’ve probably noticed is that most of the writers on LORDSOFPAIN.NET write behind a wall of anonymity called a pseudonym instead of using their real name.  I, however, write for multiple sites so writing under a fake name wouldn’t make sense.  You must choose what’s best for you and your brand.  Using a fake name seems very wrestling-y, so it makes sense.  Using your real name could be used on a resume if you plan on sticking around for a while, or if you plan on writing on other sites than just this one.  There’s no wrong answer.

Then, you’ll need to decide what kind of gimmick you want to use.  Before you go slapping on your cop outfit or nurse outfit – remember, this is judgment free – I’m not talking about your alter ego.  I’m talking about deciding how you want to write and what you want to write about.  For instance, I use sarcasm, lists, and if it’s a slow week in wrestling, I tend to just slam my head against the keyboard and hope a column forms.  You can be like Tito and write about ratings.  Apparently, that gig is going to be available in October.  You can be like JCool and rate things or like ‘Plan and review things.  You can be whatever you want to be, but the important part is that you’re doing it because you’re comfortable and not because you think it’ll get you more readers because people can smell BS from… really close.  I’ve never understood that saying.

3 – Read Around

Get a handle on what LORDSOFPAIN.NET is like.  Get an idea what they’re already doing in the Forums.  Great news!  The Column forums regularly hold contests to help you get your creative juices flowing.  There is a contest like the original NXT where seasoned writers coach beginners to the forum and slowly everyone gets eliminated.  Sometimes the winner gets a spot on the main page.  Sometimes the winner gets a plethora of pats on the back and a few atta boys.  Sometimes the winner gets hookers.  Never has the winner got hookers and I’m sorry I just misled you.  There is a few that are basically Survivor where they give you a task, you write, and then a panel of judges score you.  The lowest scores are kicked off the island until there’s only one person left.  It’s fun if you like writing under stress and deadlines.  I don’t, but hey, maybe you hate yourself.

Don’t forget to read the main page columns and even pay attention to the comments below them.  The readers will tell you what they like and what they don’t like.  Hell, maybe you can be the one who brings in hundreds of new readers because they want to read specifically your stuff.  Maybe your friends and family will want to read it.  Maybe that head cheerleader you’ve been lusting over ever since high school will take you behind the bleachers and CRITIQUE YOUR WRITING, AMATEUR.  Or whatever, I don’t remember much about High School.  Or cheerleaders.

4 – Name Your Column and Start Writing

Here’s the second most important part of your branding.  The name of your column.  I named my column the Unsanitary Truth Sauce, because let’s face it, you’re not going to forget that name.  You have Tito’s Phat column which means whatever the hell that means, but its unique.  Then, you have Requesting Flyby which I assume is a play off the name Maverick.  Cool Points by JCool.  You get the point.  The name is important.  You can have plenty of columns and each with their own names, but I highly recommend you concentrate on one for a while until you feel comfortable branching off.

Also, fun fact, I create logos and headers.  I do it at my own pace so if you want one you’ll have to deal with the fact that it could be done within hours or it could be a week.  I did mine.  I did David Fenichel’s.  I think I did Skitz’s which resembled the Stranger Things logo.  I did the Wayne’s World header.  Anyway, the offer is there, and I feel like the right header is very important.  It is what readers will associate with your brand.  I’m a firm believer that a header should look like something you could slap onto a shirt and not be ashamed of.  But I also made two different hooker jokes in this very column, so what do I know about being ashamed?

You don’t have to take my word for it.  I’m new here.  You have every right not to trust me, especially since I started out this column by telling you I whisper in your ear while you sleep, and I was only half kidding.  You can, however, take the word of those who came from the Columns forum to become the writers you’re familiar with now.  Here’s a few anecdotes to get you through those hot summer days…


I must admit, my time in the CF was shorter than many others. Within a few weeks I was fortunate to have won a tournament, and I ended up on the Main Page as a result. Now I’m not saying that to brag in any way, I’m saying it because that’s the point here. The point is: everyone welcomed me in the CF and was so happy for my achievement, there was no jealousy in this place, only positive feedback and people looking to improve. It’s never a case of people feeling they’re entitled because they’ve been there longer or anything like that. It’s truly an absolutely wonderful environment featuring a plethora of friendly wrestling writing talent. I truly think that the Lordsofpain Columns Forum is an incredible place.Leaf

“The CF is second to none as far as talented column writers. I had to write my ass off for a calendar year just to get promoted to the main page, which speaks volumes about the competitive nature of the writing here. There are months I felt I nailed my columns and had just one columnist of the month to show for it. I would put the writers in the CF up against anyone on any platform and they more than hold their own. I had a blast in the CF and everyone is committed to not only getting better themselves, but bettering everyone else. You won’t find a venue with as many selfless people.”TypeItInMaan

“For almost a decade, the LOP Columns Forum community has been a part of my life. When I first joined, I had hardly ever done any writing beyond school projects. The other members of the forum welcomed my comments with open arms and encouraged me to write more for myself, and pushed me to improve myself not just as a writer about wrestling, but a writer in general. While not as active as it once was, there remains a strong sense of community and encouragement for new writers, and critique and discussion for the more advanced newcomers.”Mizfan

“How to sum up my time in the CF? Well first of all, I signed up at a fantastic time, as part of the fabled ‘Class of 2012’ with Oliver, Skulduggery, and Dannokaboom, and we were all main pagers within 18 months or so. The encouragement and motivation the four of us provided each other is probably the thing that stands out the most. I was a very experienced writer before I ever went near the CF, so I wouldn’t say it shaped my writing as such, but it definitely improved my knowledge of wrestling, and debating in feedback to feedback with some of the best wrestling minds I’ve known- especially ‘Plan and Prime Time- certainly shaped my overall opinions on what great wrestling is. Most of all, talking about wrestling in depth, without ego, is something I’d encourage all wrestling fans to do, and nowhere is better than the CF for that.”Maverick

“It was a little over ten years ago, as I was still coming to terms with the fact that pro wrestling was more than just a passing childhood fancy for me but a life-long passion, that I made the decision to sign up to LOPForums after having lurked around the site for some time. I specifically had an eye on the Columns Forum. It was a decision that I can legitimately, literally and entirely without hyperbole tell you changed my life for the better. I was a worse writer than I thought, but through honest feedback and a community of fellow amateurs, many of whom were immensely talented, it was the Columns Forum that saw me become the writer I am today, and it was only because of the years I have spent in the Columns Forum that I got to combine my passion for wrestling with my passion for writing to realise my dream of becoming a published writer. I have met friends for life through the CF, developed a healthy competition with some that has driven me to work harder than I ever thought I was capable of, I have achieved things there that have meant a great deal to me personally, and like every member of the CF I have helped other people get closer to realising their own writing dreams too. The Columns Forum is two things: it is an unrivalled platform to take up, learn or hone a craft as a writer and, perhaps more importantly, it is a community of wonderful people that can legitimately impact your life for the better who all share one thing in common: a passion for pro wrestling, then, now or forever. Truthfully, without the CF, the last decade of my life – being my entire adult life – would have been significantly worse off. So if you want to be a writer, or if you want to just share some opinions, if you want intelligent debate about wrestling, or if you just want to interact with a close, affable, remarkable community of fans then you shouldn’t hesitate to join the life-changing community that is LOPForums and its ‘CF.’”‘Plan 

“I came to the LOP Columns Forum after emptying my writers tank on another website and receiving little thanks for it and zero feedback or support for my work. What I found in the CF was not only a group of great writers but a community of people that passionately engaged in the craft of writing and the love of wrestling. With their support and feedback I was inspired to write more than I ever had before and write better than I ever had before. I wish I had started writing on the CF 5 years ago and I would not hesitate to recommend it to any wrestling fan.” – Sir Sam

“I credit the writer I am today to every person who helped me in the just shy of 2 years I wrote in the LOP Columns Forum. I joined in 2016 with zero writing experience (aside from educational of course) and felt like I was welcomed with open arms. I used to say in my Monday Night Awards series I wrote during my time there, that every section of that column was the way it was because of feedback or a suggestion from someone. They helped make me the writer I am today. In that regard, the amazing community, learning from damn talented writers, there is no other place like the LOP CF.” – The Implications

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