Sir Sam's Court: The 2019 LOP Royal Rumble 1-20

Sir Sam’s Court: 2019 LOP Royal Rumble 1-30 & The Finale [UPDATED AGAIN]

Royal Rumble

It is January which means Royal Rumble time and this year it is my distinct pleasure to have inherited the annual Lords Of Pain Royal Rumble from former main pager Rob AKA Triple R. In case you haven’t read the LOP Rumble before I have assembled a crack field of 30 of LOP’s most well known personalities and will be pitting them against one another over the next three days with bragging rights on the line.

This piece will be getting updated each day, ten entrants at a time and will be going up hopefully simultaneously on the Columns Forum and main page. It will probably be worth checking the comments on both, particularly the forums as that is where some of LOP’s most ‘colourful’ characters come from. And if you don’t like this meta stuff then come back next week and I’ll be back to covering current events but without further ado let’s get on with proceedings.

The stadium lights come up, fireworks explode through the air as the crowd of internet commenters sits in the stands waiting to analyse, applause or abuse LOP’s finest. It’s now time for the annual Lords of Pain Royal Rumble match!

*Here’s a little song I wrote, you might want to sing it note for note. Don’t Worry, Be Happy.*

And the first entrant walks down the ramp to the tune of Don’t Worry Be Happy, it’s, The Eternal Optimist, Dave Fenichel. LOP’s most outspoken writer circles the ring, grabs a microphone and roll in under the rops.

“Now listen up kids, I may have drawn number one but I’ve been studying the Royal Rumbles back to front this year and will have no problem beating out the other 29 booger eating has beens and wannabe hacks that will be walking down that ramp. Bring it on.”

Fenichel tosses the microphone aside as the music hits for the second entrant….


It’s Super Hoody AKA Randall, Mazza’s brawler co-host of the Power 10 and he does not look happy. Him and Fenichel have traded some not so kind words in the past and the foul mouthed Brit who can’t go 30 days without getting banned from Twitter is already mouthing off as he chargers Fenichel and the pair start trading blows as the bell rings and we are underway!

Randall’s fire has caught The Eternal Optimist off guard and Fenichel is backed into the corner but after absorbing the initial flurry he ducks under a wild haymaker and tips Randall up over the ropes but the Brit manages to hang onto the top rope.

Randall comes back into the ring with a springboard uppercut and stomps on the fallen Fenichel before dragging him to the opposite ropes and struggling with him against them.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ

And the third entrant, the Column’s Forums recently returned RAW reviewer Bur11nMyLight strikes his best Randy Orton pose on the stage before walking to the ring. However when he gets to the ring instead of fighting he pulls out a notepad..

“Now I’m running the Fantasy Rumble Game here just as I am for the WWE Rumble. Now Dave I have you on my team at 28 points so it only makes sense for me to help you on your way.”

Both Dave and Randall have stopped fighting and are looking on slightly dumbstruck.

“Um… what the hell are you talking about? You know I don’t visit that cesspool of a place” Dave says with mild irritation in his voice.

Burn’s eyes start to bulge, “it’s very simple everyone has 100 points to pick a team. You get points for…. “

“Why the fuck didn’t I make your team?” Randall spouts.

“You were 16 points but in the end I couldn’t..”

“You mean I’m nearly half the points of that dickhead? Who the hell set that?”

“ummm.. Me.”

Dave and Randall look at each other, nod and immediately double clothesline Burn over the top rope, making him the first elimination just in time for countdown to start.

ELIMINATED: Burn11nMyLight

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ

The fourth entrant, LOPs former MMA Fighter BEAR from Bearly Reviewing stalks his way to the ring looking already pissed off.

“Oi Fenichel you twat. I’m coming for you.”

BEAR immediately grounds The Eternal Optimist and begins to ground and pound him but not without Dave getting some punches in too, his years as an MMA fan have clearly paid off. After taking a break to catch his breath Randall soon joins in on the scrap piling in on Fenichel but a wayward punch hits BEAR and the bigger man turns his attention to his former ally.

“Sorry” *punch* “ honest mistake” *punch* “between Brits”

“I’m fuckin’ Australian now mate” roars BEAR as he decks Randall with a huge clothesline but is immediately hit in the back with a dropkick from the bruised but not beaten Eternal Optimist.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ

Fifth entrant is 205Clive LOP’s 205 Live reviewer who runs to the ring, jumps onto the apron and starts things off with a springboard hurricanrana to Randalll, a drop kick to Fenichel and a Spanish Fly to BEAR, flooring everyone.

Clive then climbs the corner turnbuckle and leaps off in a picture perfect moonsault only to be caught midair by BEAR. The former MMA fighter suplexes Clive and then picks him up and throws him over the ropes however the cruiserweight manages to just hang on, skinning the cat on his way back in.

Behind BEAR Fenichel rises up and cheapshots the Australian in the back and the two start trading shots.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ

Business is about to pick up as one of the legends of LOP Prime Time makes his way to the ring. This year has been a huge year for the classic grappler and he has to be one of the absolute favourites to take out the Rumble.

PT enters the ring like a house on fire bouncing off the ropes and hitting Clive with a clothesline that turns the cruiserweight inside out, suplexing Randall and then exchanging holds with the MMA fighter BEAR. The fresher man gets the better of the initial exchange backing BEAR up against the ropes and the pair perilously lean over them but are not able to throw the other one over a they continue to struggle.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ

*Oliver, Oliver never before has a boy wanted more. Oliver, Oliver won’t ask for more when he knows what’s in store*

It’s the second mind behind Bearly Reviewing and last year’s Rumble winner, Oliver, who rushes to the ring and before entering grabs Prime Time, who is still wrestling with BEAR on the ropes. Oliver pulls him from the outside while BEAR flips him up from the inside and in a huge upset Prime Time has been eliminated, only lasting two minutes!


The Bearly Reviewing duo assemble in the ring and the three other combatants circles the duo before all rushing in at once. Oliver and BEAR are up to it though, standing their ground and working as a team to take down the other three men. The two hold the ring but are unable to add to their tally of eliminations just yet.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ

*Awesome!!!!!!!! I came to play..*

No it’s not The Miz but it is Mizfan, another man who has had a big year, taking out three columnist of the month awards with his mixture of indy wrestling knowledge and long term Bobby Heenan series. Combining the year he has had with his extensive knowledge of wrestling from all corners of the globe and you would have to expect he would go a long way today.

Mizfan slowly walks to the ring as the Bearly team continue to dominate proceedings. Before he gets to the ring he barks orders at Fenichel, Randall and 205Clive who begrudgingly follow them and with Mizfan’s guidance they manage to seperate Oliver and BEAR and get back on even footing.

BEAR and Fenichel are now grappling in one corner, Oliver tries to push Clive over the ropes but the cruiserweight hangs on yet again while Randall and Mizfan alternate strikes and chops in the middle of the ring.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ

And the ninth entrant is one of the site’s most creative minds and the Drinking Thread’s most prolific contributor, Benjamin Button.

Benny stumbles to the ring, half empty bottle of whiskey in hand. After he enters the ring he drunkenly stumbles around but despite being obviously inebriated he manages to land a few good blows on his competitors and even lands a stiff clothesline on Randall. However he meets his match when he runs into BEAR who grabs him in a Muay-Thai clinch, delivers a hard knee to his head and with the help of OIiver tips him over the top rope. Bearly have their second elimination and are looking strong.

ELIMINATION: Benjamin Button

“Poor Benny” Oliver says to BEAR “day drinking in the Rumble.”

“We’ve all been there.” replies BEAR

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ


The tenth man to the ring is Mazza, who has had a very busy year not only starting the Power 10, co-hosting The Right Side of the Pond podcast but also taking out the Columns Series Invitational Tournament at the start of the year against a star studded lineup.

Mazza makes his way to the ring and immediately grabs Randall by the shoulder, he clearly wants to work with his Power 10 partner. Across the ring from them Oliver and BEAR turn and stand shoulder to shoulder. The two teams slowly walk to the center of the ring, stare one another down before starting to trade strikes. Mazza trades holds with BEAR and Randall brawls to the other side of the ring with Oliver. It is the fresher of the group that is having the most impact as Mazza avoids an attempted German Suplex and hits BEAR with a huge Spinebuster. Mazza crosses his arms and chops his crotch before he clotheslines BEAR over the ropes.


Mazza rushes to the other side of the ring, spins Oliver around into a Pedigree and Randall Super Kicks him over the ropes. Bearly have been eliminated by Mazza and Randall just when they were getting on a role.


10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

Number 11 makes his entrance and it is the newest LOP Main Pager Don Franc who saunters to the ring, jumps over the top rope and hits a picture perfect Snapdragon Suplex on Randall only to be quickly pulled off by Randy’s Power 10 compatriot Mazza who delivers a series of stiff right hands to Don’s forehead, flooring the South African Suplex Machine.

In the opposite corner Dave Fenichel and Mizfan trade chops in the corner before 205Clive jumps in and tries to upend Fenichel but receives an enzuigiri from Mizzie knocking him to the ground but safe inside the ring.

Mizfan and Fenichel are then attacked in sync by the Power 10 duo but manage to hold onto the ropes and fall back under the bottom rope as the countdown starts again.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

The lights flash and the LOP enigma, the masked Mystic seemingly glides to the ring and slides in under the bottom rope. Mystic comes to the Rumble this year after finishing the near 4 year odyssey of WCW The Legacy Series. He has the wrestlers that have remained standing under a spell of sorts before he unleashes a series of brutal running knees to Randall and Mazza, temporarily taking down the powerful team.

However Mystic turns around into a hurricanrana from 205Clive and the pair trade a series of fluid lucha holds, their bodies spinning around in a seeming frenzy. Mystic gets the better of the first exchange with a Reverse Rana of his own but 205Clive is immediately back up and in the blink of an eye the cruiserweight hits Mystic with a Canadian Destroyer!

Mystic, incensed at the move jumps to his feet and rips his mask off to reveal a deranged face.


10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

*Yo VIP, let’s kick it. Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby*

The buzzer sounds and JCool swaggers his way to the ring. He has been studying and reporting on the NXT for years now but little does he know what he is walking into.

Mystic, who has morphed into the rage filled Barney has ripped a turnbuckle pad off and is bashing 205Clive’s head against the exposed buckle knocking the cruiserweight unconscious and drawing blood before Barney unceremoniously dumps Clive over the ropes and at JCools feet.


JCool steps into the ring and is immediately assaulted by the rabid Barney however to the surprise of the crowd it is Mystic’s own WCW The Legacy Series partner Mizfan who steps in to assist JCool, subduing Barney at least temporarily. JCool replies with a low blow to Mizfan and he immediately soaks in the booos that rain in from the crowd, “I studied the greatest sports entertainer alive all year and learnt everything.”

Don Franc jumps into the action, grabbing JCool from behind for a German Suplex which he holds on to before rolling through for a second german launching JCool across the ring. The South African jumps onto JCool and starts trying to push him over the ropes.

In the other corner Barney has started to attack Dave Fenichel but The Eternal Optimist fights back, raking Barney’s eyes.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

The lights in the arena go out and an ominous bell sounds.


Lights come up and standing in the entrance way is the former host of Late Shift and Head of LOP Forums, Steve in a long black trench coat.


Lightning flashes on the screen as his funeral music starts and Steve slowly walks down to the ring. Action in the ring comes to a stand still as the Locker Room Leader of LOP makes his way to the ring. He hasn’t been seen since succumbing to a mysterious german entity a few months ago but there is still fire in his eyes.

He enters the ring and as the ominous music stops. Dave Fenichel steps up to him and the pair stare at each other face to face. “There’s no room for you here anymore old man.”

Steve looks him straight in the eyes, unblinking, a scowl forms on his face.

“Just leave now, no one cares about you anymore. I am the future of this place.”

Steve brings his hand up to his throat and makes a slitting gesture, catches an attempted punch from Fenichel and lifts The Eternal Optimist by the throat in a towering Chokeslam.

Steve then begins to unload on all around him, a kick to the gut and an upper cut to Don, a hard irish whip into the turnbuckle for Mizfan, a big right hand to Mazza, Snake Eyes on the exposed turnbuckle to JCool and a huge Last Ride Power Bomb to Randall.

The only man left standing is Barney who is frothing at that mouth at all the carnage going on around him. The smaller but stockier man grabs Steve by the wrist, throws him into the corner and charges at him. This is countered with a Big Boot as Barney recklessly rushes in. Steve then hoists Barney up and hits a Tombstone in the middle of the ring, putting the transformed Mystic down and then tossing him over the top rope.

ELIMINATION: Mystic/Barney

Steve has returned to LOP and he now owns the ring.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

The fifteenth entrant is the debaucherous anonymous but he is nowhere to be seen. Steve stands in the ring stoic, looking down the ramp for one of his closest confidants and greatest sparring partners but while his back is turned he doesn’t notice a commotion in the audience as Nony runs through the crowd beer bottle in hand. Nony slides into the ring and smashes the bottle across the back of Steve’s head, temporarily knocking him down. Anonymous grabs the ring ropes and starts stomping Steve.

Seems Nony came to fight despite the pair’s friendship but it isn’t enough. Steve sits up from the attack and grabs anonymous by the throat lifting him up for a chokeslam but throwing him into JCool.

This sends JCool flying towards the ropes and Mizfan takes the opportunity to use JCool’s momentum to eliminate him with a fierce clothesline.


10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

Next out is the sixteenth entrant Kleckamania, an LOP vet and as he loves to remind everyone a 5 time, 5 time, 5 time, 5 time, 5 time columnist of the month. Unfortunately for Kleck, a truly pissed off JCool has grabbed a chair on his way back down the ramp  and wraps it around Kleck’s head, knocking him unconscious. The cool one slowly walks off, bathing in the boos of the crowd.

As medical officers attend to Kleckamania on the entrance ramp the chaos in the ring continues. Fenichel is back up and this time is mouthing off at anonymous, “I make this place great, you’re what drags it down,” he yells as the pair trade shots.

The Power 10 duo have now reformed their alliance and are double teaming Steve but don’t look like eliminating him. They are also joined by Don Franc but it doesn’t make a whole lot of difference to the fresh man.

Meanwhile in the background Mizfan cannily hangs back.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

A thumping bass fills the arena and Rich Latta arrives for his debut LOP Rumble, mic in hand rapping his way down to the ring.

“Check me out on Spotify or iTunes” he yells before rolling into the ring and immediately he is assaulted by Dave Fenichel who hits a running knee on Latta knocking him straight back over the ropes.

“That’s for Jordynne bitch,” yells Fenichel and channeling Kevin Owens, “Go back to Social Suplex.”


The Power 10 duo have moved onto Mizfan in one corner while Steve and Anonymous re-engage in the center of the ring throwing hard strikes at each other.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

*Babyyyyy, you were in a list by Tim Rose on this place
Oooh the more I rank you the more I feel yeeeaahhhh*

Yes coming out to his own personalised version of Seal’s early 90s hit Kiss from a Rose, the eighteenth entrant is none other than LOP’s Lister in Chief Tim Rose.

Tim preens on his way to the ring and immediately targets Randall who has been in the match the longest, getting a few strikes in before a swinging neckbreaker puts them both on the canvas.

Tim quickly scrambles to his feet and rushes Steve who is catching his breath against the turnbuckle. Rose jumps onto the second rope and rains down punches as the crowd counts along 1, 2, 3…. Just as he gets to 10 though Steve grabs him from below, spins around and tries to power bomb him out of the ring but Rose holds on.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

*La-da-da-da-dahh, It’s the motherfuckin’ D-O-doubleG. La-da-da-da-dahh You know I’m mobbin’ with the D.R.E.*

The action stops as the next fighter walks to the ring. He looks a bit like a character LOP no longer owns the intellectual rights to but is just a bit taller, a lot skinnier and is without his famed neckbeard.

Action stops in the ring and the fighters look around quizzically as the next entrant grabs a mic.

“Welcome back to the NearExcellence in LOP Rumbling exclusively here on”

Guy’s what’s Teeto doing in the Impact Zone?

The wrestlers in the ring are looking at each other as Teeto comes in and Mazza steps up to him.

“Who the hell are you? Didn’t you leave this place? Are you just going to keep coming back every three months?”

“Column views are plummeting, stuck permanently below 10 thousand so SirSam has hit the panic button and bought back a man who may or may not look and sound like the only guy who has drawn here in the last 10 years. Serves him right for putting all his eggs in one basket behind The Eternal Optimist who the people DO NOT want to see as Rumble winner…….”

“Oh fuck this guy”

The entire LOP roster in the ring attacks simultaneously.

“I’ve been writing here *punch* absolutely free for 20 years *kick* over a thousand *stomp* columns…”

Teeto is hoisted above everyone and dropped unceremoniously over the ropes.


“Calvin’s going to hear about this.” Teeto yells as he scampers up the ramp and the wrestlers in the ring go back to fighting against each other.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

*Highway to the Danger Zone. Ride in to the Danger Zone…*

That tune could only mean one thing, at number twenty its Maverick coming in for a fly by. The canny Brit dashes down the entrance ramp, grabs his Right Side of the Pond compatriot Mazza and the two start cleaning house, moving from one wrestler to the next, beating them down with punches, chops, headbutts, stomps, however they can get a hold of them.

Randall even jumps up yelling “The fourth side of The Pond!” and rushes to get back involved.

By the time they are finished Don Franc is left holding onto the top rope with just one hand and Tim Rose is tangled upside down in the ropes too and the rest of the competition is left beaten, bruised and busted up as the countdown for the next entrant begins.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

The twenty first entrant of The LOP Rumble appears and it’s The Implications, host of The Perfect 10 wrestling podcast, writer of Imp’s Adventures and one of LOP’s friendliest.

The Brit skips to the ring and stands across from the Right Side of the Pond duo.

“Wanna team up Imp? For Queen and country and all that.” Mav says.

Mazza and Maverick look at each other and suddenly grab Randall and thrust him forward.

“Take him out first.”

Randall turns around, a look of betrayal in his eyes. “Last time I help your hungover ass with the Power 10 Mazza.”

“Oh that just doesn’t seem right eliminating your friend like that” says Imp, putting the palm of his hands up.

Randall turns around and launches himself at Mazza, momentarily catching his former ally off guard but Maverick interjects and they start beating down the already worn out Randy.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

*I’m a man with a plan…*

The real third member of The Right Side of the Pond Samuel ‘Plan rushes out to the ring. ‘Plan goes straight for the defenceless Randall and hits a Sling Blade that turns Randy inside out. Randall kneels up straight into a short range super kick from ‘Plan who then bounces off the ropes with a Curb Stomp.

Maverick picks Randall up, hits a Double Arm DDT before both him and ‘Plan put Randall on Mazza’s shoulder who Power Bombs him out of the ring.


The Right Side of the Pond immediately set about their destruction again, first taking down Imp and while working as a unit are able to eject the previously injured Kleckamania, tossing him out of the ring just as he had crawled in.

ELIMINATION: Kleckamania

The rest of the men in the ring are beginning to get back up and they also start fighting within themselves while The Pond work together to keep one another safe. Mizfan tries to call on the other fighters to work together against the trio and is at least able to seperate them from one another.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

And the ring begins to fill up again with entrant number twenty three coming down to the ring, it’s the king of the LOP brackets Skullduggery.

The new man wisely jumps straight on the now downed ‘Plan, hitting a standing elbow drop and locks the Britt in a Sharp Shooter before he is hit in the face by a vicious Penalty Kick from Imp, breaking up the hold but leaving both men on the ground.

The rest of the men have seperated off and are brawling around the ring, Steve and Anonymous trading blows with The Eternal Optimist, Mizfan and Tim Rose have isolated out Mazza and Don Franc manages a Butterfly Suplex on Maverick over the ropes but Mav just catches the rope as he goes over saving himself.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

It’s time for the next entrant and there is quite the commotion on the entrance ramp because long time Columns Forum PPV reviewer KingZak13 is trying to bring his famed dog along with him to the ring.

“He’s been with me since the beginning and he’s coming with me now.”

LOP Officials are trying to wrestle the leash out of Zak’s hand but aren’t able to stop the October Columnist of the Month who strides to the ring and ties his beloved companion to the ring post before rolling in and joining the fray.

Zak starts with a running enzuigiri to Skullduggery and then joins in the struggle to tip Mazza over the corner turnbuckle.

On the other side of the ring ‘Plan has managed to fight his way back over to Maverick and the pair team up hitting Don Franc with a double clothesline over the ropes, sending the South African Suplex machine to the floor and out of the contest.


In another corner anonymous and Tim Rose have started battling one another and in their struggle end up both hanging over the top rope. Seeing an opportunity The Eternal Optimist hits a dropkick to the two dangling wrestlers and scores a big double elimination.

ELIMINATION: Tim Rose and Anonymous

Steve sees what has happened to Anonymous and immediately rushes over and again starts brawling with Fenichel.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

After a huge round of action things are not slowing down as Rob S makes his way down the ramp. We thought Triple R was retired but seems like he has come back for ‘one more match’ and immediately makes his presence felt with a series of giant clothesline to The Implications, ‘Plan and Skullduggery as the crowd chants “YOU STILL GOT IT!”

Maverick manages to slow the rampaging returnee with a series of alternating chops and punches but Rob comes back with a hard irish whip into the turnbuckle that floors the main pager.

Meanwhile Fenichel has rolled out the ring and is goading Zak’s dog, teasing it with some food he pinched from a fan. The second Zak notices he comes flying between the ropes with a suicide dive. Zak gets straight to his feet and throws Fenichel into the barrier and then into the ring post before sliding back in the ring.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

The twenty sixth entrant is out and it is Degenerate all the way from Puerto Rico via Japan. The exponent of Strong Style strides confidently to the ring, laying a boot into The Eternal Optimist on his way in.

After rolling into the ring he meets in the center with The Implication who lands a stiff forearm on the side of Degen’s face. Genny barely flinches though and returns serve hitting The Implication with a forearm that reverberates around the arena knocking Imp down to his knees. Imp gets back up and the two start trading back and forth in a wild exchange.

Meanwhile recent entrant Skulduggery has singled out Mazza who has been in for over half an hour now and is trying to push him over the ropes. Maverick and ‘Plan see what is happening and come for the rescue but before they can eliminate Skull, Steve interrupts with uppercuts to both of them and a chokeslam to ‘Plan. The man with the plan immediately grabs onto the bottom rope when he lands though so even Steve is unable to lift him up for an elimination.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

*Do you come from a land down under? Where women glow and men chunder*

Coming in at twenty seven, the most successful number in Royal Rumble history it’s the all conquering Sir Sam!

Sam poses on the steps and waves to his adoring crowd before strutting to the ring. The men are asking for high fives, the women are trying to slip him their number and at least one person offers for him to take their baby.

His arrival though has bought the action in the ring to a stand still for the second time in the match.

This time it is Mizfan coming forward. “Come on Sam, you’re better than this.”

“Sorry mate I couldn’t hear you over my fans.” Sam says with a grin.

Rob steps forward now, “I didn’t give you the chance to take over this just for you to book yourself to win it.”

“You even put yourself in at 27, that’s low mate.” ‘Plan chimes in while still holding onto the bottom rope.

The crowd has realised what is going on too, suddenly their cheers have turned to howls of boos and chants of “SIR SAM SUCKS.” Sam looks around and charges at Rob but Rob doesn’t budge.

“But I….” Sam stammers

“Just because you’re writing this thing doesn’t mean we’ll do what you say,” injects Rob.

Sam picks himself up and stumbles around the ring throwing ineffective punches, looking taken aback and confused. Finally Steve steps forward runs his thumb across his neck, hoists the stunned Aussie up for a tombstone and an unceremonious elimination.


The remaining wrestlers get back to action as the countdown timer begins again.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

Another returnee, it’s Skitz at twenty eight, we all thought he was gone for good at the start of the year but he came back hot in December. The Candy Man dashes down the aisle, slides into the ring and while the brawl goes on around him hits a flying forearm on Maverick and a hurricanrana on Imp.

Skitz then jumps up to the top turnbuckle and hits a huge moonsault onto the pair of Degen and Mizfan who are trading strikes, flooring both of them.

Meanwhile Skulldugery has moved onto Rob and has grounded him with a Lobel Lock. Rob is writing in agony but manages to grab the rope and uses it escape. The pair are joined by Mazza who stomps on both of them. The 2018 Columns Series Invitational winner throws Skull at the ropes and attempts to hit a Spinebuster which Skull counters into a DDT. Skull and Rob pick up Mazza and attempt to push him over the ropes before they are assaulted by Maverick and ‘Plan. Rob manages to hold onto the ropes and slips back in but it is too much for Skullduggery who tumbles to the floor.

ELIMINATION: Skulldugery

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

The twenty-ninth entrant appears, Dynamite Billington, who dashes to the ring and alongside the other fresh man Skitz, he targets The Pond trio. Dyno pulls off a snap suplex on ‘Plan and Skitz follows up with a running Shooting Star Press however once again the numbers game is too much. Maverick floors Dyno before clotheslining Skitz into Mazza who hits a Pedigree and the pair toss The Candy Man over the ropes.


The action in the ring continues as The Pond trio turn their attention to Rob, a Double Arm DDT, Curb Stomp and another Triple Power Bomb spell the end of the retiree’s hopes.


The rapid fire eliminations have caught everyone’s attention and Mizfan once again directs the rest of the men in the ring to counterattack and they manage to separate the trio out but cannot eliminate anyone as all three hold on to the ropes any way they can.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BZZZZZ….

*If you smmmeeellllllllll what The Doc… is cookin’…*

The crowd explodes at the surprise return of one of the Lords of Pain legends ‘The Doc’ Chad Matthews as the final entrant to The LOP Rumble. Doc strikes a pose and soaks in the adoration of the crowd before striding to the ring. Given his experience and great entrance number he has got to be one of the favourites.

Doc goes straight to work flooring ‘Plan with a huge right hand, bouncing off the ring ropes to hit a double clothesline on Mazza and Imp and delivers a Doc Bottom to Dave Fenichel. Doc is assaulted from behind by the duo of King Zak and Dynamite Billington but he is able to shrug it off and clean up Degenerate on the rebound, sending him falling to the floor.


The action is thick and fast now as only ten fighters remain and the competitors can feel the end is in sight. Mizfan is continuing to work tirelessly to keep Maverick, Mazza and ‘Plan separate, barking orders at anyone who will listen and doing all he can himself. He finds some allies in Imp, Zak and Dyno who ground their adversaries.

In the center of the ring two LOP legends, Steve and The Doc, have squared up and begin to trade shots. Steve manages to block one of Doc’s punches, grabs his wrist and sends him to the ropes but as he comes back Doc counters a Big Boot attempt with a flying shoulder tackle. He has Steve down, stands over him and signals for his signature move, The Elbow Injection, runs to the ropes but Steve sits up looking Doc dead in the eye, stopping Doc in his tracks.

Steve then throws himself into a clothesline aimed at the temporarily stunned Doc but behind him Dave Fenichel sneaks up and upends him over the ropes as Doc steps aside.


The Eternal Optimist yells out to Steve, “fuck off, this is my site now” and offers his hand to Doc who looks at him in disgust, slaps it away and the pair start brawling.

On the other side of the ring Mizfan and his group have at least been able temporarily put down The Pond trio but have begun fighting amongst one another. To kick things off Zak Super Kicks The Implications from behind but Imp spins around hitting Zak with a lightning-fast flurry of palm strikes and a kick to finish. Mizfan, who has been in the ring since number eight, implores them to start working together again but is caught by Dynamite Billington in a rolling double German Suplex. After he is finished Dyno lifts Mizfan up and along with Zak dispatches him over the ropes.


The pair turn around into a flying Implications though who hits huge dropkick to both of them sending them both over the top rope.

ELIMINATION: Dynamite Billington & KingZak13

As Imp pulls himself up there is a temporary halt to the fighting and the combatants have moved to all four corners of the ring. In one corner a battered and bruised Dave Fenichel, the very first entrant of The Rumble, The Pond trio in another, Mazza, Maverick and ‘Plan all stand together, planning amongst themselves while eyeing off the other men, Imp pulling himself up after the double elimination and in the final corner the thirtieth entrant The Doc.

We have entered the final stretch.

The Pond trio immediately jump onto the freshest man Doc, ganging up on him and despite Doc’s valiant attempts to fight them off, their combined forces are too much and they tip him over the ropes.

ELIMINATION: ‘The Doc’ Chad Matthews

‘Plan immediately dashes over to Imp and Fenichel but is not followed by Mazza and Maverick who look at each other, nod and then, attacking from behind, clothesline ‘Plan over the ropes.


“That’s for starting your own podcast,” Mav yells to the gutted ‘Plan.

“Yeah where’s Steve now?” adds Mazza.

However two on two is not enough and while they are gloating they don’t see the double attack come from Imp and Fenichel who hit both men with Super Kicks tipping the final two Ponders over the ropes where ‘Plan ryely laughs at them.

ELIMINATION: Mazza and Maverick

We are down to our final two!

Imp and Fenichel circle one another, two weary fighters but both can see the finish line is in sight. The pair lock up, Imp turns Dave around into a wrist lock and shoots him off into the ropes. Dave bounces off but uses his momentum to back Imp up to the ropes with a flying forearm.

Imp wobbles against the ropes but as Fenichel charges at him he gets an elbow up, halting The Eternal Optimist. The pair trade forearms on the edge of the ring before Fenichel hoists Imp above his head, trying to vertical suplex him out of the ring.

Imp counters at the final seconds and using his momentum when he comes down, dashes at the opposite ropes. The Perfect 10 host flies across the ring and lands a thunderous knee to Fenichel’s jaw sending him over the top rope and to the ground.

ELIMINATION: The Eternal Optimist Dave Fenichel

WINNER: The Implications

Imp raises his hands in victory as the crowd roars in approval, he mounts the turnbuckles as the LOP locker room storms the ring, jubilant at his win. They hoist him on their shoulders and celebrate the 2019 LOP Royal Rumble Champion The Implication.

Thanks for reading LOP, this has been a lot of fun to put together. I actually got most of the entrants from a random number selector and did that for the winner too, although I can think of very few better winners than such a universally liked bloke. If you haven’t already I would encourage you to check out the conversation in the LOP forums where most of the guys here come from. There has been some ‘colourful’ reactions, let’s just say that. Follow the link here.

Make sure you check back next week where I will be previewing the actual Royal Rumble.

Entrance Order
1. ‘The Eternal Optimist’ Dave Fenichel
2. Randall
3. Burn11nMyLight
5. 205Clive
6. Prime Time
7. Oliver
8. Mizfan
9. Benjamin Button
10. Mazza
11. Don Franc
12. Mystic/Barney
13. JCool
14. Steve
15. Anonymous
16. Kleckamania
17. Rich Latta
18. Tim Rose
19. Teeto
20. Maverick
21. The Implications
22. Samuel ‘Plan
23. Skulldugery
24. KingZak
25. Rob
26. Degenerate
27. Sir Sam
28. Skitz
29. Dynamite Billington
30. ‘The Doc’ Chad Matthews

Order of Eliminations
1. Burn11nMyLight
2. Prime Time
3. Benjamin Button
5. Oliver
6. 205Clive
7. Mystic/Barney
8. JCool
9. Rich Latta
10. Teeto
11. Randall
12. Kleckamania
13. Don Franc
14. Tim Rose
15. Anonymous
16. Sir Sam
17. Skullduggery
18. Skitz
19. Rob S
20. Degenerate
21. Steve
22. Mizfan
23. Dynamite Billington
24. KingZak13
25. ‘The Doc’ Chad Matthews
26. Samuel ‘Plan
27. Maverick
28. Mazza
29. ‘The Eternal Optimist’ Dave Fenichel

WINNER: The Implications

Home | News | Results | Columns | Radio | Contact | Privacy Policy