I’m going to disclaimer* this column by saying several of these entries are just nitpicking. They don’t destroy the product. I don’t sit there and wrack my brain over them. Still, I’m going to get people in the comments talking about how this is just nitpicking because statistically they skip the intro paragraph of every column/article they read. These are things that we do accept, however, without hesitation and for absolutely no reason at all.
5. The Irish Whip
Face it, there was a time when you believed wrestling was real and it never dawned on you how cartoony the Irish Whip was. Imagine physics where not only could someone force you to uncontrollably run in one direction without ever stumbling to the floor, but that you would snap against rubber bands, turn around to face your opponent, and sprint back to them at twice the speed. It should be weird, right? Like, you never saw Wyle E. Coyote run full force through a painting on the side of a stone wall and think that’s totally how wildlife works, did you? So, why did we accept that Irish Whip was something that happens?
4. Invisible Walls
There was a time as a kid when I couldn’t see anyone off to the side coming at me, and then suddenly out of nowhere I was clotheslined onto my ass and put through a table. That was my dad’s way of telling me it was time to get glasses.
How often do wrestlers not notice other wrestlers standing directly in front of them until they appear on camera? The walls of your television act as actual walls. I believe most wrestlers are screaming internally from the pain of half their body being cut off into the void any time the camera pans up.
It doesn’t end there though. There are walls in the ring, too. Someone DDT’d your wife in the middle of the ring? Better run down there to kick his ass, as any normal man would. Whoops, never mind, he walked outside the ring and now you’re trapped inside it. Well, better luck next time. Why are wrestlers locked inside the ring as the bad guy retreats to the back? The back where they’re all located, by the way. Like, literally the bad guy and the good guy get changed in the same hallway and presumably the same locker room, so they’re bound to run into each other. But it doesn’t happen within the walls of your TV screen or inside the ring, so they’re cool now.
3. Politely Clearing Off the Tables Before Destroying Them
The first couple times I watched as someone cleared off an announce table before putting their opponents through it, I thought they were just raised with impeccable manners. Then, I started to realize they were removing the super expensive monitors so that their opponent’s back didn’t accidentally scratch the screen.
Furthermore, you wouldn’t want to harm your opponent. Putting them through a table neck first onto a concrete floor is one thing, but what if they get an ouchie in the corner of those 1990s computer screens? How could you live with yourself if you hurt your opponent in the middle of hurting your opponent? You’re not a monster! Except when you are literally a monster whose trying to kill them – but even then, you’re not a monster.
2. One Move That Wins 100% Of The Time – Except When It Doesn’t
The only thing more ridiculous than believing that each professional wrestler has literally only one move that they’re so good at that they automatically win if they use it is believing that’s true and watching someone kick out of that move. We’re supposed to believe that every wrestler has a Mortal Kombat fatality move that works 100% of the time, but we’re also supposed to believe that Triple H can kick out of them at every WrestleMania 20 times and that the move is still effective all the other times. It’s actually a really weird Catch-22 where you don’t want to believe it, but you lower your standards and do it anyway against your better judgement, then they kick you in the balls for being that gullible. Then, they ask you to repeat the process, and WE DO. We do repeat the process.
Why is this not weird every single time someone lost to The Worm from Scotty 2 Hotty?
1. The Invisible Camera Crew
Why isn’t every backstage segment shot like an episode from The Office? How many times have we seen people talk privately while a camera man is standing right there? The amount of mental gymnastics we have to do as viewers to ignore how ridiculous this is is insane. Remember the time Alexa Bliss’s assistant walked in on her while she was getting dressed? She threw a fit that he walked in on her, but was absolutely fine with the camera man being there and never leaving. She stood there scowling at the door because she was so furious at this one guy, meanwhile the camera guy is still in the room just zoomed in on her.
During the last season of The Office, one of the plot points was that all the employees were shocked to find out that the camera crew had recorded so much of their private lives. This made sense as most shots were done from behind bushes, fences or shelves in the warehouse. No one in wrestling should be shocked the find the guy with a giant camera shoved in their face wasn’t as trustworthy as he appeared.
Also, and this is really important, the documentary on The Office they were recording didn’t air until 9 years after they started so it made sense that they didn’t know. We’ve seen friends betray each other on camera in wrestling for the world to see and then deny it as if the other person doesn’t have the option to just watch the show. Spoiler alert: Wrestlers never ever watch their own show.
Also, Spoiler Alert: No one else is watching the show at home anymore either.