On May 19th 2020, I wrote a column about how I gave up on wrestling for the time being. There wasn’t an audience, WWE was trying to push a new concept called the Thunderdome, and AEW was being AEW harder than any AEW has ever done. It just wasn’t… good? Entertaining? Wrestling? No, it wasn’t very Ucey.
Luckily, it’s 2022 and wrestling has been Ucing hard. I wrote a list of wrestling storylines that have been pretty Ucey and reignited my interest in wrestling all over again.
- Luchasaurus Turns on Jungle Boy, Then Turns on Jungle Boy
Okay, this one is kind of out there. It’s not the best storyline in wrestling today, but it’s checking off a lot of boxes for me that AEW has been missing in most storylines. First, they’re trying to get Luchasaurus over as a Kane-like character. He’s a demon (dinosaur demon? Demo-saur?) that doesn’t speak and seems to have a complex set of feelings that are driving the story forward. This is a big deal as most wrestlers in AEW have the gimmick of “I’m a real guy just like you!” Second, there’s a clear dynamic that Jungle Boy is the babyface and Christian Cage is the heel. I know a lot of people dig AEW because they blur the lines between good and bad guys, but I get so tired of not being spoonfed about who to cheer for. I’m like a baby eating mashed potatoes for the first time. You better pretend that shit is an airplane about to land in my mouth. The storyline is a bit of a redundant mess though. First, he betrays Jungle Boy and joins Christian Cage. But in reality, Luchasaurus would never betray his friend and joins back up with Jungle Boy. But in double reality, he’s actually for realsies with Christian Cage and betrays Jungle Boy a second time. Look, I said in advance it isn’t the best storyline on the list, but it has twists, it has wrestlers playing characters, and it has babyfaces and heels. That’s a win.
- Sami Zayn Becomes a National Treasure, Joins Heels
Sami Zayn is easily one of the best things still going on Smackdown. He’s like Jim Carrey. He plays the same character in every movie, but somehow that character fits into every role. Currently, Zayn is a heel, but his alignment with the Bloodline has made him a babyface. It’s weird. He joined the Bloodline because he claimed he was the Locker Room Leader, a very heel thing to say and do. Then, he spends every promo kissing Roman Reigns’ ass. He cheats, he pals around with heels, but he’s… babyface? It’s weird, that’s all you need to know. Zayn has even gone as far as causing each member of the Bloodline to break character and start laughing on multiple different occasions. I don’t think he will ever be able to live up to the hype that everyone is building up for his big turn, but it’s one hell of a ride.
- Bray Wyatt Returns, Immediately Starts Feud With Himself
The much-anticipated return of Bray Wyatt recently came to fruition. Out came Bray Wyatt wearing a mask that dirt sheets were calling Uncle Howdy. No one knew where they were going with this, but Wyatt was back. The next week, Wyatt cut a promo that was interrupted by the very same mask that Wyatt was already seen wearing. The following week from that, the mask is now a living, talking person named Uncle Howdy. It’s clearly Bray Wyatt in a prosthetic mask. You can hear Wyatt’s southern twang when he talks. So, Wyatt already wore the mask once, it sounds like him, it was definitely undeniably him… so the question the WWE fans have been asking is “Who is Uncle Howdy?!” Yes, there are actually people who are guessing that Uncle Howdy is someone else, including Bray’s brother Bo Dallas who was rumored to be returning soon. I guess it could technically be anybody in the same sense that I, Tim Rose, could technically be Bray Wyatt in a mask. Either way, it’s got everyone talking.
- MJF Leaves Forever, Returns Anyway, Storyline is Immediately Dropped
This one is odd as it ended in a very unceremonious way. The idea is that MJF, furious with his stature in AEW, walked out on the company. News sites were eating it up as “potentially real” despite clearly being a storyline but whatever we won’t cross that road. He disappeared for a long time. The idea is that he would be gone for however long it would take CM Punk to return from injury, at which point MJF would also return and challenge for the title. Punk and MJF had dueling promos prior to Punk’s injury, making it clear it was all heading toward a match. Punk would eventually return from injury, as would MJF return by holding the Money in the Pockerchip briefcase, and everything was happening exactly as planned. That is, until a grown man bit another man, and someone stole a dog or something. I won’t go into details, because the details are a bit cloudy, but from what I gather CM Punk bit a dog because some MMA guy kicked down a door and the Young Bucks lost more hair. It was definitely something like that. Everyone involved in the scuffle was suspended, meaning that MJF’s big return was overshadowed by Punk’s desire to start shit because it’s a new day of the week. Up until then, it was a pretty good storyline that was forced to end extremely prematurely. Also, congratulations to CM Punk for finally throwing a punch in a fight.
What storylines are you currently enjoying in wrestling?