I remember the day someone said my wrestling opinion was wrong. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember it because it was the day I said Jinder Mahal was a decent champion and someone said he sucked and he was immediately arrested. Turns out, it’s a federal offense to call my opinion wrong. Just as Mahal was simply okay and not worth crying over, you too can be simply okay with your opinions by following these easy steps.
Rule Number One: Thou Shall Assume Everyone Else Is Wrong Based On Nothing
It’s important to have the best opinions on the internet, and that’s by automatically assuming everyone else’s opinions are based on objectively wrong information. If you think Roman Reigns is not entertaining, anyone who disagrees is wrong based on the fact that they’re not seeing things from your point of view. After all, if they’re seeing things from their own unique point of view, they’re not being objective about this exceptionally subjective argument that only you can see all the real details to. If their opinion isn’t exactly like yours but still runs parallel to yours (Roman Reigns isn’t entertaining but is more entertaining than before) they’re still wrong. That’s not your opinion and they should stop talking immediately.
Rule Number Two: Thou Shall Call Your Opposition Mean Names Just Because
They don’t agree with you? What are they, some sort of dumbass? It’s important that you address this issue head-on as soon as they disagree with you even if they didn’t do anything to warrant it. “Every version of Bray Wyatt is just the same incoherent character with different clothes.” Okay, IDIOT. Maybe you find them slightly different, did they ever think of that? No, they didn’t, because they’re a MORON. Let them know that.
Rule Number Three: Thou Shall Call Anyone Enjoying Females A Simp
Oh, you like Alexa Bliss for more than just her body? What a simp anyway! Boys, no one likes females unless they’re dreaming of one day being in bed with them. After all, if they’re not naked, they better be in the kitchen, am I right fellow time travelers? If there’s a debate, and they side with a female, don’t be afraid to call them a simp even though it’s probably a case of two random opinions aligning coincidentally. That’s something we in the science field call HARD SIMPING. This is especially true if they say something that contradicts what you just said. Keep it in your pants, bud. Do you like Charlotte Flair? Well, that’s a gross way to get your D wet, dude. Have you tried enjoying AJ Styles instead? Even though he has the same haircut as every woman named Heather, it’s at least accompanied by an equally as large penis (citation needed).
Rule Number Four: Thou Shall Point Out Their Mom Has Sex
Losing an argument? Look no further. Simply tell them that their mom enjoys coitus. Bam. Instant victory. You’re right, once again. It worked in grade school, so it works as two grown adults talking about soap operas. Does the other person believe Otis deserved his Money in the Bank briefcase? Yes, and it’s definitely because his mother was gangbanged by the Indianapolis Colts. It doesn’t matter how immature it makes you look, as long as the end result is that you’re now more right than before.
Rule Number Five: Thou Shall Play Dumb With The Rules
If you’ve followed my rules so far, a template of your argument should look like this: “Matt Riddle is hilarious to 60-year-old conservatives and if you disagree, you’re a moron whose mom had pool sex with a water gun, simp.” At this point, the nazi overlord Mods should be instantly deleting your post because they can’t stand to see how right you are. First things first, repost the comment as is. It’s their problem if they don’t want to read it. Once the post is deleted a second time, repost the exact same thing but this time try ending it by calling the mods a name too, like “fucking virgins.” Lastly, skip the entire point of your original post and just ask the mods publicly why your post keeps getting deleted when all you did was break every goddamn rule posted clear as day for everyone to see. Okay, what’s the big deal? You’re not wrong, the rules just aren’t convenient for specifically you at this very moment. Now, when someone calls you a name, run screaming to a mod to “do their damn job” because who does that basement dweller think he is?
Rule Number Six: Thou Shall Be Angry Every Second Of Every Day
Wrestling is about a bunch of sexually frustrated naked men screaming about how they’re going to roll around with other men the loudest, so naturally, everyone talking about it should be equally as angry. Remember, regardless of what tone is expected in the conversation, always be the angriest in the room. You’re the only person doing that gimmick. You’re unique. “I respect your opinion.” Well, I fuck your respect, nerd! No one is even speaking to you? Ask what the hell their problem is. If they continue to kill you with kindness, immediately deal with rule number 4. At this point, you should be executing rule number 5 because there’s absolutely no way a mod will let you be the special snowflake that you are.
If you follow all six rules, you too can be always right on the internet just like me.