Happy New Year, everybody.
When this event was announced, we knew it would have a different feel to it. It’s a Saturday show on THE COCK, and it’s also on New Year’s Day, both of which are not exactly “normal” on WWE’s schedule.
Then, word broke today that Roman Reigns, who was set to defend the Universal Title against Brock Lesnar tonight, tested positive for COVID. Obviously, that means he had to be pulled from the show at almost the last possible moment, leaving a major hole on the card. WWE felt they had no choice but to switch Lesnar over to the WWE Title match, taking it from a Four-Way to a Five-Way. Lesnar, Big E, Kevin Owens, Seth Rollins and Bobby Lashley all in the same match? That’s quite the “make-good” in a tough spot, kayfabe be damned.
Enough talk. Are you folks ready?
Yeah?
Well, I’m ready.
If you’re ready and I’m ready, then that just leaves one thing to do. Say it with me…
LESS DEW EET!!!
(0:04) After a video package narrated by rapper Quavo of Migos, it is officially time to begin the first WWE event of the new year.
(0:06) The Smackdown Tag Team Titles are on the line in our opening match, as The Usos defend the belts against The New Day in the latest chapter in one of the greatest tag rivalries in the history of professional wrestling.
(0:07) As of this morning, there were only 150 tickets available for the show. It sure looks like a sell out on television. We’ll see if it sounds like one, too.
(0:13) It has been a little while now, but I’m still not used to seeing Woods and Kofi in the new “royal” color scheme. Still not used to hearing Woods’ new entrance music, either. Some people have called it a positive change, and others have called it a negative one. I’m not in either camp yet. It’s just weird to me, that’s all.
(0:16) At least early on, this isn’t a very loud crowd in Atlanta. I love seeing almost everyone in the hard camera shot being “normal” fans and not just the same fucking people that you always see in the front row or two at every show in the history of ever.
(0:19) The Usos’ black and red ring gear gives off major “Scott Hall and Kevin Nash in the nWo” vibes. I dig it.
(0:24) With everything they’ve won, I still don’t think The Usos are given the proper amount of credit for just how good they are. There is such an insane amount of fluidity and smoothness in everything they do, while still remaining rough around the edges, if that makes any sense.
(0:28) Completely out of nowhere, The Usos hit a 3D on Kofi Kingston to pick up the win. The champions retain their titles. On commentary, Pat McAfee says the move is called 1D, both for “one and done” and a remix of the team’s “down since day one” line. Okay then. I like the addition of a new move to their arsenal. The match was good, as you would expect with those two teams. Once again, my match ratings will be posted at the end of the column, but this was a pretty good way to kick things off.
(0:30) As I was typing all that, Michael Cole referred to this event as a “premium live event” and not a “pay-per-view” or a “Peacock exclusive” or a “wild ride on THE COCK.” That’s quite the rebranding.
(0:33) Migos get interviewed backstage. Breaking news… Offset has cheated on Cardi B again. I got a laugh out of them being announced in their hometown, only for them to receive a very mild response. Not enough crossover between Migos fans and WWE PREMIUM LIVE EVENT attendees, I guess.
(0:36) Time for our next match. Drew McIntyre vs Madcap Moss. You know what that means. Time to mute my fucking television so I don’t have to listen to wrestling’s most annoying gimmick do their pre-match routine. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. OHOHOHOHOHOHO. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *slaps knee*
(0:39) Cole and McAfee continue to push the “premium live event” label. In typical WWE fashion, it’s already annoying, as they’re going to repeat the fucking thing as often as physically possible, and will probably do so for a long time. Great.
(0:41) This match has already gone on for too long. McIntyre needs to look like a really big deal again. A two-time WWE Champion should be able to defeat Asshat Moss in less time than it takes to microwave a Hot Pocket.
(0:46) Still going. Why? I don’t know.
(0:49) Claymore Kick wins it for McIntyre. I mean it… there’s no reason it should’ve taken McIntyre that long to win. You’re supposed to be planting seeds for McIntyre to return to the main event scene. In the world of kayfabe, is there ANY scenario that you can envision where it would take Roman Reigns longer than two minutes to beat Moss? You think Brock Lesnar’s going to take ten minutes to beat Moss? We have to bring McIntyre up, not drag him down.
(0:56) It is time for our next match. The Raw Tag Team Titles are on the line here, with R-K-Bro defending them against The Street Profits. This one should be fun.
(0:58) Orton and Riddle bring Migos to the ring with them. Migos is introduced as “the greatest group in the world.” A hearty laugh is then introduced from my soul. Breaking news… Offset has cheated on Cardi B AGAIN.
(1:00) Immediately, Twitter wondered why Migos wouldn’t come to the ring with The Street Profits. First of all, don’t be racist. Second of all, Migos went viral seven years ago when they posted a picture on Twitter with… Randy Orton. Third of all, there never is a third of all. Fourth of all, which of these tag teams do you think has the best weed? Exactly.
(1:03) The crowd is pretty quiet here. That’s pretty surprising, considering everything involved here. They seem to be waiting for Randy Orton to get tagged in.
(1:09) I was only partially right. Orton got the hot tag and got a relatively mild response. Hey, at least the crowd is making noise, though.
(1:12) An assisted RKO on Montez Ford gets the win for the champions, who retain their titles. I didn’t get to type much for the match because… well… there wasn’t much to type about. The cameras seemed to focus more on the members of Migos at ringside than the match itself. This came across like a house show match. Come to think of it, even Drew McIntyre taking longer than it should have to beat Madcap Moss was house show booking.
(1:13) This is insane. I’ve just received late breaking news… Offset has cheated on Cardi B YET AGAIN.
(1:15) In a backstage promo, Drew McIntyre is attacked by Corbin and Moss. For the love of Joe Pesci, we don’t need this shit to continue, but here we are. Corbin and Moss “Pillmanize” Drew’s neck inside a steel chair. Sigh.
(1:19) We got a lengthy video package on Bianca Belair, who… isn’t even on the card tonight. Sure. I eagerly anticipate the video package on Shawn Michaels coming up after the next match.
(1:21) Another video package, but at least this time, it’s for the upcoming match between Edge and The Miz. Barring something else thrown in, we’re going to go at least 15 minutes between the end of one match on this show and the start of the next one. That’s something that is happening.
(1:25) I’ve said it before, but WWE and AEW both need to improve the way they pace their shows. There’s way too many video packages, talking, segments and commercials on WWE shows. At the same time, there isn’t anything BUT the matches on AEW shows. One promotion doesn’t let anything breathe whatsoever, and the other promotion lets everything sit out and breathe for too long.
(1:29) We get the half-Brood, half-Rated R Superstar entrance for Edge. Cool beans.
(1:30) Nearly 20 minutes from the end of the last match to the opening bell for this one. Yikes.
(1:35) The crowd was very excited for Edge’s entrance, and then they’ve gone back to being pretty quiet for everything since. I guess, if we’re being fair, Miz doesn’t exactly have the type of exciting offense that gets live crowds rocking and rolling.
(1:38) On commentary, Corey Graves has not stopped talking about how beautiful and talented Maryse is. She might need to look into a restraining order. With his talk and his 1970’s porn mustache, he’s really upping the creep factor.
(1:40) This is my fault. I shouldn’t have expected a Miz match to help get this show moving in the right direction again.
(1:45) Even Edge seems like he hasn’t been able to get out of first gear tonight. Again, this is coming across like a house show. Too much going through the motions tonight. This is the type of house show that you would see leading up to an event like WrestleMania or SummerSlam, where everyone seems to be playing it safe so that they don’t screw up the bigger show.
(1:50) Okay, that was weird. After multiple instances of interference from Maryse, we hear the crowd reacting to something off-camera. Then the camera cuts to Beth Phoenix standing on the stage, making constipation faces. After SEVERAL seconds, while she was on-camera the whole time, her entrance music hits and she marches to the ring. Her arrival at ringside was enough to distract Miz, who walked into a Spear to give Edge the win. That was a really strange-looking reveal. It didn’t necessarily come across as a production botch or anything. Just seemed like they wanted to try something different. On one hand, it solved the “why would they have this person’s entrance music cued up so quickly” dilemma that we’ve seen a billion times in wrestling, so I guess there’s that. I assume we’re getting Edge & Beth vs Miz & Maryse at the Royal Rumble.
(1:57) Time for our next match. Becky Lynch defends the Raw Women’s Title against Liv Morgan.
(2:00) In looking up some stats for this show, I noticed that none of WWE’s main roster championships have changed hands on Peacock since SummerSlam. I’m not doing the research on it, but that seems like a REALLY long time for title changes not to happen on these shows. Our only two matches left tonight are title bouts, so we’ll see if that continues.
(2:05) Another stretch of well over ten minutes between matches.
(2:07) Wait… is it PREMIUM live event or PREMIER live event? I swear, I heard “premium” multiple times, and I saw a ton of folks on Twitter that heard the same. Now, I just heard Corey Graves say “premier” on commentary, and again, I see a ton of folks on Twitter have heard the same. Yanny or Laurel?!?!?
(2:09) This crowd just isn’t excited for much. Not that they’ve been given much to be excited about, but damn, create your own excitement. You’ve spent a lot of money on tickets. Get SOMETHING out of it.
(2:12) On offense, Liv was busting out some really hard-hitting stuff. Then, when Becky goes on offense, she’s returning some of that hard-hitting offense. The match has been fun to watch so far. Nothing game-changing, but fun. It just seems like it’s happening in front of 100 people.
(2:16) A BEAUTIFUL Springboard Sunset Flip Powerbomb by Liv nearly ends the match! Very cool spot.
(2:19) The challenger is on a roll, hitting a nice dive through the middle ropes to the champion, who was standing at ringside.
(2:22) Morgan went to hit ObLIVion, but it was reversed into a Manhandle Slam, and the champion retains. That match was a lot of fun. Kudos to both women, but especially to Liv, who really stepped her game up. Another title match on Peacock that doesn’t see the belt change hands. Can Big E overcome some extremely long odds to keep that streak going?
(2:28) Four weeks from tonight, the Royal Rumble comes to us from St. Louis, Missouri. The first announced entrant for the men’s Rumble match is… Johnny Knoxville from Jackass? Well, at least you know he’s willing to do something stupid and painful in his elimination, so… hooray?
(2:31) We’re in the middle of more video package/commercial combinations.
(2:33) Rollins is introduced as Seth “Freakin” Rollins, so it looks like that really is going to be his full name moving forward.
(2:35) It’s unfortunate that this is how we’re finally going to get the long-awaited interactions between Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar, but some things are simply out of anybody’s hands. This was the only real solution to the problem of Roman Reigns not being able to compete.
(2:38) Lesnar comes out last for the match. I’m sure some will be upset about the champion not being out last, but that kind of thing doesn’t matter to me in the slightest.
(2:39) Immediate action at the opening bell!
(2:41) It wouldn’t be a WWE show without someone getting Speared through the ringside barricade area near the timekeeper’s spot. Lashley just sent Lesnar crashing through it. Please retire that spot. At least stop using it so much. Jeez.
(2:42) This has been non-stop action so far, as you would expect with five people involved.
(2:44) It’s just big spot after big spot after big spot. Big E drives Lashley through the announce table with a Uranage, but then immediately gets taken out with a Superkick.
(2:46) Lesnar FUCKING TELEPORTS into the ring to hit three huge F5’s, only to be taken out by another Spear from Lashley. This match is insane.
(2:48) Big E goes to hit Lesnar with the Big Ending, but Lesnar reverses it into an F5 for the victory! Wow! I didn’t think Lesnar was winning this match at all. So, we went from Lesnar chasing the Universal Title on Smackdown to winning Raw’s WWE Title. Obviously, this has the potential to change EVERYTHING on the Road To WrestleMania. Goodness gracious. That match was a shit ton of fun, albeit a lot shorter in time than I think anybody expected it to be. I’m just… unsure… about the title switch. Well, not the title switch, in general, but who the title was switched to.
MATCH RATINGS
Usos vs New Day: 3.5 stars
McIntyre vs Moss: 2 stars
RKBro vs Profits: 2.5 stars
Edge vs Miz: 2.5 stars
Lynch vs Morgan: 3.75 stars
E vs Lesnar vs Owens vs Rollins vs Lashley: 3.75 stars