This has been a rough week for injuries in wrestling.
CM Punk and Matt Cardona got things started with their own injuries. Then, rumors began circulating that Bryan Danielson is dealing with an injury that meant he wasn’t able to fly to a meet and greet. Hearing that Bryan Danielson has an injury that makes him unable to fly immediately makes everyone’s Spidey Senses go nuts. Now, word is out that Cody Rhodes has a torn pectoral, which could/should seriously effect tonight’s Hell In A Cell show.
According to rumors, Cody is still going to participate in his match with Seth Rollins. These reports swear up and down that Cody’s injury is NOT a work, but he’s still going to wrestle tonight? Not only wrestle, but wrestle inside Hell In A Cell? In what world does that even begin to make any sense. WWE’s problem is that they have booked themselves into a corner creatively. If Cody can’t wrestle, someone needs to replace him, but there’s nobody available to do so, at least in kayfabe. Sure, you could have Roman Reigns show up, but that doesn’t make sense in any sort of storyline. Nor does a return of Bray Wyatt. Even WITH Cody vs Seth on the show, this isn’t exactly the strongest pay-per-view card the company has ever delivered.
I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens.
Either way, I need to know… are you ready?
Because I’m ready.
If I’m ready, and if you’re ready, then there’s only one thing left to do. I need you to say it with me, folks…
LESS DEW EET!!!
(0:06) To start tonight’s festivities, Bianca Belair will be defending her Raw Women’s Title against Becky Lynch and Asuka in a Triple Threat Match in what very well could be a BANGER of a contest.
(0:10) Ten minutes into the show, and we’re finally getting to the first entrance of the first match. My goodness.
(0:12) There’s such a weird feeling surrounding this show with the Cody injury news, Roman Reigns not being on the show, and now opening the show with the match many people were picking to be the best of the night.
(0:13) The introductions for the match begin 13 minutes in. WWE already does this a lot, but I’m expecting that tonight’s show gets stretched out like a bad thong.
(0:15) The match is officially underway. It’s about time.
(0:16) Loud dueling chants of “Let’s go, Asuka” and “E-S-T” as Asuka and Bianca square off. Hot crowd, but that’s not a surprise. The show is coming to us from Allstate Arena in Rosemont, Illinois. We know how the Chicago and Chicago-area fans are.
(0:16) It looks like Ronda Rousey’s personal makeup artist has started working for Becky Lynch, too.
(0:20) People, including myself, have said it a billion times, but it’s worth saying again… it really is amazing to see how great an athlete Bianca Belair is. In the history of wrestling, there has never been a woman to have Bianca’s combination of speed, strength, and overall athleticism. She is an absolute freak of nature. Not just a freak of nature for a woman. A freak of nature. Period.
(0:24) Bianca lifts Becky up for a vertical suplex, but before she drops her, she marches around like Ryback used to do back in the day, all while keeping Becky perfectly in place. Again… freak of nature. That was impressive.
(0:26) Here’s our first “this is awesome” chant.
(0:27) Creative spot with Asuka locking both opponents in an Ankle Lock at the same time.
(0:29) Sho nuff, this match has already been a BANGER. All three women are bringing it. I want this to go on for a while, especially with the rest of the card looking the way it does.
(0:34) Becky hits Asuka with a Manhandle Slam, but Bianca tosses Becky out of the ring and gets the pin and the win. What a fucking match. WWE continues to do Triple Threats very, very well. I love that the match didn’t follow the usual formula for these matches with one person being out of the ring for several minutes at a time. Good shit here, pal. I have no idea how anyone is supposed to follow that tonight. 4.25 stars.
(0:38) Cedric Alexander continues trying to kiss up to MVP backstage, but MVP tells him that The Hurt Business is done, and will never come back. Sad.
(0:39) We’re going from that opening match to the two-on-one Handicap Match with Bobby Lashley taking on Omos and MVP. Oh, boy.
(0:45) At least the crowd is hot for Lashley. That should at least give this match a minor boost.
(0:47) The crowd reactions come to a halt when Omos or MVP are on offense.
(0:50) It wouldn’t be a WWE pay-per-view without another trash ass “crash through the barricade near the timekeeper” spot. Lame. Retire that spot. I beg of you.
(0:53) Cedric comes out, but his interference only boosts Lashley. Oh, darn.
(0:54) Taking advantage of the interference, Lashley is able to clear the ring of Omos with a Spear and then gets MVP to tap to The Hurt Lock. Lashley took like 99% of the offense in the match and came back to get the win, anyway. Interesting match layout choice. There wasn’t much to the match. Let’s just say 2.5 stars to be nice and move on. After the match, Bobby grabs a replica WWE Title belt from a fan in the front row and parades around ringside with it, saying that he’s coming for the title. That could be fun.
(0:58) The next WWE pay-per-view is Money In The Bank, coming to us on Saturday, July 2nd.
(0:59) Next up is Ezekiel vs Kevin Owens. Will we see interference from Elias? I sure hope so.
(1:03) This entire storyline has been entertaining. It only has one note, but at least it’s an entertaining note. I’m just not sure how long you can keep this going.
(1:05) Ezekiel’s left temple is bleeding. Will this bring his brother out?!?
(1:08) Owens just continues descending into madness. He’s really good at this.
(1:12) As he yells out Ezekiel’s brother’s name, Owens picks up the win after a Stunner. Perfectly acceptable TV-style match. 2.75 stars. I’m a little disappointed that we didn’t see the return of Elias, but there’s always tomorrow night, I guess.
(1:16) Next up is the six-person tag with Finn Balor, AJ Styles, and Liv Morgan teaming up to face Edge’s Judgment Day group. I still say none of this shit makes any sense. Not Edge’s random heel turn, not him becoming some sort of Devil-like character, not Liv Morgan joining the quasi-Bullet Club out of nowhere… none of it. At least this should be a good match. Hopefully. Maybe.
(1:20) It bothers me more than it probably should that the group is called THE Judgment Day, and not just Judgment Day. I’m weird like that.
(1:24) So. Much. Filler. The bell finally rings to get this one underway.
(1:25) It really is funny to watch social media whenever (The) Judgment Day are around. There’s always speculation that the group will be getting a new member, and tonight is no different. I’ve already seen a bunch of people making predictions, ranging from Finn Balor himself to Tommaso Ciampa to Bray Wyatt, and numerous others in between.
(1:29) Not that this takes anything away from the in-ring quality of the match, but this is like seeing a match in Universe Mode on a WWE video game. Finn and AJ are teaming with who?!? Edge and who are partners?!? What?!?
(1:33) Balor hits Priest with a chop that sounded like a bolt of lightning. Fucking hell.
(1:36) I don’t think Liv Morgan gets enough credit for how much she has improved in the ring. She’s like a spot machine out there.
(1:37) Almost as soon as I post that, Liv doesn’t quite get enough air on a dive through the middle ropes to the outside, and she nearly botches it. Oops. She did make contact, at least.
(1:39) I don’t believe it was shown on-camera, but AJ is somehow busted open, bleeding from the forehead.
(1:40) A Spear from Edge allows him to pin Balor. The camera cuts to Rhea Ripley at ringside, and you see blood all over the floor. Perhaps AJ is busted open even more than it appeared. Good match, although perhaps slightly disappointing considering the people involved. 3 stars, but if you went a little higher than that, I won’t dropkick your nephew down the stairs.
(1:44) Madcap Moss vs Happy Corbin in a No Holds Barred Match is up next. I have not been shy whatsoever about how much I have hated their pairing. Now that things are heading in a different direction, I’m at least interested. Madcap has potential to be something as a singles face, but as always with WWE, it’s about follow ups and follow throughs. We’ll see.
(1:49) Stop shilling your NFT nonsense, WWE.
(1:51) It will never stop being funny to watch wrestlers throw commentator chairs at other wrestlers. Fantastic.
(1:54) The crowd chants for tables, so Corbin pulls a table out from underneath the ring… only to slide it back. The man just dick teased an arena full of people.
(1:56) I’m not sure it’s a great sign for Madcap that the crowd continues to chant for tables and not for him. Maybe he just needs to get away from Corbin completely. That guy has become a black hole where things go to die.
(2:02) On multiple occasions, Madcap has gone on offense and then played to the crowd… to little-to-no reaction.
(2:02) After putting a steel chair around Corbin’s neck, Madcap smashes the ring steps into the chair, presumably murdering Corbin or whatever we’re supposed to believe happened. Moss wins the match. Decent enough stuff, but you’re not going to see any sort of classics when Baron Corbin is involved. 3 stars.
(2:07) Next up, Theory defends the United States Title against Mustafa Ali. Needless to say, this is
(2:09) Ali gets the “Chicago’s own” introduction, and he has Chicago flag colors on his tights, which are already in a Chicago Bulls/Blackhawks colorway to begin with. Interesting.
(2:10) Loud “Ali” chants from the crowd to start the match, although the chants died out pretty quickly.
(2:13) Ali is on such a weird journey. He went from going public with his grievances and seemingly being punished for it by not having his request release granted to sitting at home for a long time to making a surprise comeback to losing matches like before to getting a title shot on pay-per-view. WWE still has no idea what they’re doing with the guy, and that’s a shame.
(2:17) Theory leaps to the top rope to hit Ali with a bit of a Spanish Fly, landing in a mount position so he could punch dude in the face a couple times. Wow. That was beautiful.
(2:21) A-Town Down, and Theory retains the title. Ali is right back to where he was before he left… good performances, but in losing efforts. Now what? I’ll give that match 3.25 stars.
(2:26) Well… here we go. Main event time. Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins. Hell In A Cell. There is presumably a lot of time left in the show, but with Cody being so injured, I really don’t see how this match lasts very long. Are we getting some shenaniganery, or will we just have a short night at the office?
(2:30) LMAO @ Seth’s ring gear being an homage to Dusty Rhodes in the polka dot days. That is FANTASTIC.
(2:35) Jesus Herbert Christ!!! Cody’s entire right pec, upper rib area, and upper arm area is a DARK purple. He looks like he took a cannonball shot to the chest from ten feet away. The entire arena nearly went silent when his injury was revealed. Holy shit, that’s as ugly looking as it gets. This is a terrible fucking idea.
(2:38) The crowd still doesn’t seem to know how to react. There’s still a bit of a hush over everything going on.
(2:40) Like the crowd, I don’t quite know how to react. I’m cringing at every move. This is so, so, so, so, so dumb. Why would you do this to yourself? Shit, why would WWE allow him to do this to himself?
(2:44) Cody now has welts all over his back after being destroyed by some weight belt shots.
(2:45) Rollins brings a table into the ring, and the crowd cheers, followed by a “Thank you, Rollins” chant. Holy shit. Normally, you’d say the crowd was turning on Cody, but these are Chicago fans. They want the carnage, no matter who is going to be delivering it.
(2:46) Seth’s decision backfires on him, as he splashes himself through the table once Cody rolled out of the way.
(2:48) Because Cody isn’t insane enough, he grabs a bullrope from under the ring. He straps it to himself, then tells Rollins to strap himself to the other end. Seth does just that, and now we have a Hell In A Cell Bullrope Match. What the fuck is even happening?!?
(2:50) The bullrope stuff didn’t last long. They should pull a ladder out next.
(2:54) Cody gets Buckle Bombed into the corner, smashing through a table… and he kicks out, because of course he does.
(2:56) After grabbing a sledgehammer from under the ring, Rollins goes for a Pedigree, but it gets reversed into a Pedigree from Cody… for a two count.
(2:57) Now Cody kicks out of a Stomp. At this point, you’re going to have to literally decapitate him to beat him.
(2:58) Cody gets hit with his own finishing move, no-sells it, and then lands one of his own. Even if Cody was fully healthy, that would be a dumb spot that isn’t necessary.
(3:00) Back-to-back Cross Rhodes by Cody, followed by a sledgehammer shot to the dome, and Cody Rhodes is your winner. I don’t even know what to say. That was your usual WWE-style main event where we got finisher after finisher, kick out after kick out. If you’re looking to grade the match itself at face value, that was 4.25 stars, for sure. Taking everything else into account, though, and that might as well be negative 20 stars. What a stupid fucking decision.
(3:03) We go off the air with Cody celebrating in the ring, looking like he’s ready to pass out. Can’t say that I would blame him if he did.