IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #396
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Main DDPY Program of the Day: Below the Belt 2.0
Athena’s new theme always makes me think the main riff of “In the Name of God” by Dream Theater has accidentally been cued up, at least for a few seconds.
With that out of the way, I have no idea how to address the goings-on in the wrestling news, and I doubt I even need to clarify what I mean by that. How quickly things can change. How quickly built-up goodwill can disappear. It’s hard not to think back to Lorne Malvo in season one of Fargo. “Your problem is, you’ve spent your whole life thinking there are rules. There aren’t.” That’s all I really have to say on the matter.
It was mighty tempting to go down to Portland for Rampage and Battle of the Belts V, but alas, I had a 6am flight out the next morning, and that three hour drive would’ve probably gotten me back to the SeaTac area by the time I had to wake up, more or less. It was a hell of a lot of fun to watch though. They seem to have stepped up both on Rampage and Elevation in the new year, and I’m glad they have. Rampage was starting to give off Velocity vibes, and not in the good era of that show either. If you’re gonna ask people to stick around after the live show everyone came to see, you need to give them a good reason to do so.
I got spoiled by the Seattle weather too. It was 50-60 all week, and now that I’m back here in the Minneapolis area with an ice storm having just fallen, it’s… feelings. Taking two people including my partner to their first wrestling shows too, if you didn’t check the previous column, was easily the best part of the night. Now that I’m back home and on a computer instead of trying to write on a phone while a live show is happening, I’m hoping to be able to get more out at a time and focus a bit easier.
Thoughts on AEW Dynamite – January 11th, 2023
1. It’s Wednesday night, and you know what that means! Time for the show that’s been hyped to hell since December, and with the card they’ve stacked, it’s already partially lived up to it. But the question people have been asking since last week is, is the Toni Storm selection a red herring? Or was something bigger planned and it didn’t come through? Who knows? Time for Vaporwave Makeover, which looks considerably different to the live appearance, which I was thrilled to be among the first to see. Already saw a Simon Miller sign. Anything that makes that man feel warm and happy in his tum-tum is alright by me.
2. The arrival of Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn’s latter day substitute hits the arena, meaning we’re starting off with the “we’re glad it was *only* a concussion” rematch from a few months ago, Moxley and Hangman. Excalibur indicates that it’s been 85 days (not years, Rose) since Page has been in the ring, though there have been plenty of dust-ups in the meantime.
3. I heard Tony say that the raking/biting was “classic” Jon Moxley, since of course “vintage” has been TMed I’m sure. Mercifully, I’m not hearing the source of that one anytime soon.
4. Mox is particularly vicious, even for him. While working the head injury angle, worked or not, always makes me nervous, I think it’d be impossible to not address that as a factor. Page gets rolled into the ring but rolls right back out with a hard clothesline to the ground. Page then gets met with another one of those Knockout lariats because this is many things, but subtle is not one of them.
5. If it were anyone else, I’d say Mox was working “heel” in this match between two faces, or face vs. tweener as Mox does what he wants, but this is just typical Mox, really. Hangman hits a moonsault to the outside, but his head bounces pretty hard off the barricade afterward. Or maybe it just looks that way because anyone wrestling with a history of concussions makes me perpetually nervous.
6. Match one, “this is awesome!” chant. I mean, it’s no Seattle crowd, but what is, right? They’re certainly more vocal for this than they are notoriously for their other sports. Regardless of the result of this match, Hangman is getting put over huge here, which has been necessary for some new depth and movement for his character since he lost the title. He’s been stuck in a bit of stagnation ever since, despite his banger of a Trios final match from a few months ago. Speaking of which, how has the Dark Order not gone after the person fka Ten yet? They made a damn kid cry, but what are they doing? Trying to recruit Juice Robinson on Dark? Yeah, there was the minor battle royal spot on Rampage, but he made. The damn. Kid. Cry. Nobody makes Negative One cry on our watch, let’s get him! Follow-through, please.
7. Buckshot Lariat! Hangman wins! What an opener! I expected Hangman to win due to the sympathetic storyline based off a real-life injury, but a clean singles win over Jon Moxley is no common feat. The doctors seem to be checking Mox out afterward and Hangman seems almost morose in response. That leads me to believe it’s a kayfabe continuance of this angle, as Mox is now the one reeling from their encounter, but we’ll have to wait and see on that.
8. Tony takes the ring and says he takes no pleasure in introducing his next guess. ADAM COLE, BAY BAY! Speaking of recovering from head injuries, first time we’ve seen him since Forbidden Door. No wait, since he and Red Dragon turned on the Young Bucks. What a pop too! He did say “guests” plural, so who else will be here? Britt? Jay White? Shane McMahon? That last one isn’t a serious suggestion… I hope.
9. He offers a good news/bad news situation, oh dear. That doesn’t sound good, though it also makes me question why Tony gave that kind of introduction. Adam emphasizes the “pro wrestling” in “pro wrestling company,” which I’m sure is totally just a random turn of phrase and articulation. Cole’s going deep with the storytime here, and I’m hoping it’s not leading where I think it is, though like the messages he was getting, I’m way more glad that he’s okay either way.
10. The bad news is set up for the bait and switch, thank JBL for that. He thought for sure he was finished, and honestly, so did I for a while there. He tells us to remember this day, where the new Adam Cole is born, the one who promises to be on the top of the mountain again. Maybe Tony’s introduction was because he too thought it was a retirement speech?
11. Backstage with the Acclaimed and Daddy Ass, and they mention a list of names akin to MJF’s list of his biggest fans from last week, but they’re getting their scissors put in concrete on the Walk of Fame. Good for them.
12. Next, time for Hook’s latest one-time tag team portmanteau against the two guys from the Firm, Lee Moriarty and Big Bill. We haven’t seen Luchasaurus since his cage match with JB, and that of course saddens multiple people in my life. Some people just need Lizard Daddy in their life, so I hope he’s all right for all their sakes.
13. I’ve managed to miss both JB and Hook at the two AEW shows I’ve attended so far. With a roster this huge though, I guess it only stands to reason. I like how Hook has almost been given the “special attraction” tag this early in his career. Some heel heat sends us into the next picture-in-picture, as they both mock JB’s entrance theme and crowd singing it. Those meanyheads.
14. Kia’s new logo keeps making me think it says KN, and unless Shamrock has his own brand big enough to sponsor buildings, It doesn’t stop confusing me. When I rented a car in Seattle and I was walking down the line, I kept saying “I’m not renting a KN, I’ve never even heard of them.”
15. Hook gets the hot tag and does Hook things. Hook things are his favorite things. I wonder if he’ll suplex Morrissey (the W. one, not the angsty records back in the day one, though if someone wants to suplex that Morrissey too, go for it) with the big staredowns they’ve teased. And holy word you can’t say on TV, he not only suplexed him, but got some damn air in the process. Wow! JB and Hook win, Hook remains undefeated. They both raise each other arms while congratulating each other on their fabulous hair.
16. Orange Cassidy and Danhausen backstage, the latter who was on Elevation after I left and was in a cabbie and a muumuu for some reason. Oh hey, it’s the guy too old to be hanging out with teenagers from Cobra Kai! They say they’re all still best friends, which is why Trent was such a grumpypuss. He’s totally not turning heel, though how you can turn someone heel who makes his surprise return riding in a minivan with Sue? You can’t do it, you just can’t.
17. Renee is nice enough to remind the folx in that building that there hasn’t been a game 7 in that building in over 30 years, which I don’t know if that’s something you want to remind them of, but okay. Long as we get to keep hearing “Roundball Rock,” I’m okay with it.
18. Takeshita/Danielson next, and though I think Takeshita will do the “almost wins but puts on a good match” thing, this should be an absolute banger. Big fan of this guy, and they even mention he’s moved to the US.
19. MJF comes out instead to the delight of the three people he mentioned last week, and Burberry Edgelord himself takes the mic. Takeshita’s face says it all as MJF condescends to him. Takeshita responds in Japanese, and MJF responds straight out of the Uncle Zeb playbook by saying that “we speak American.” Takeshita clarifies what he said before MJF brags about his stamina, which is the truest sign of anyone who actually has it, totally. For real. He’s doing his job well, as usual. I’ll take this over the cool, invulnerable heel in sunglasses any day.
20. Ken Jeong gets to look indignant for the second segment in a row, and hey, there’s the new wrestling promoter himself, He’s All That. MJF doesn’t remember that movie, but he does remember the Scooby Doo movie, which came out… like a year later, I think? Now that we’re done with Roast Hour, Danielson finally interrupts to end the misery. MJF’s got some sprinting speed in those dress shoes. Being the wrestling embodiment of the YouTube comment section is hard work, but someone’s gotta do it.
21. I’m gonna take a wild guess and say there will be a few kicks in this one. Aubrey, the most over referee, has this one and I miss her emerald eye-shadow and matching shoes from last week. Can’t be the Emerald City every week, what can ya do?
22. Takeshita getting chants when in a match against Danielson, which is freaking impressive. Good they saved this match for this week instead of last in that regard. Nobody was getting cheered over Danielson, Swerve, and/or Darby.
23. Takeshita looking like the badass here with his confidence, but also getting outfoxed by some veteran moves. What a story they’re managing to tell here, even in a match with a likely foreknown winner. That’s once again been Takeshita’s AEW run so far, his match with Claudio being the most notable of them all, so I’m really hoping there’s more in store as a result from his performance in this match.
24. Takeshita clotheslines Danielson off the top rope, making him do a full flip. Insert what I said about that making me nervous from the opening match here. Not sure what they were trying to do with Danielson’s leap to the outside but it didn’t look good. I’m sure that’ll make Maffew’s next compilation. Takeshita gets rocked after doing a springboard Swanton into Danielson’s knees and ends up in his non-Regal Stretch submission finisher.
25. Danielson’s selling the leg, and hopefully it is just that, selling. He’s had badly-timed injuries before, and I’m really hoping that’s not the case. All the same, this match is exactly what I wanted it to be, and it is not disappointing. They counter moves to their counters, and a damn impressive one into the piledriver there. This show was worth the hype so far. Danielson gets his high-knee finisher, but Takeshita kicks out! Listen to that pop! Wow! Danielson gets in that Regal Stretch to win, but please, please, please do something with Takeshita after this. Danielson shows him the respect afterward, but moves on along the final countdown.
26. Ohai Juice Robinson, what’s new with you, huh? Looks like he’s taking the open challenge for Rampage for the TNT title against Darby. They’re stacking Friday night too, so that trend continues as well. It seems to me like you’re the eeeeexxxxpert, Juice.
27. Toni Storm and Saraya out next, and I’m expecting either shenanigans or some very disappointed people. Which is no fault of Toni’s either. They say she’s looking for retribution, which… I hope not. Nobody’s looking for Invasion Failure 3.0. Hayter and Baker (no Mayfield) make their way second, and nothing questionable so far. The bell rings, so this is what’s happening, I guess. At least the crowd is chanting for Jamie Hayter and not “we want Mone.” Let’s see where the visibly offended Hikaru Shida plays into this too.
28. Seeing Saraya back just gives me such joy. Her previous surprise return gave me quite a pop back in 2017 when I was still writing this column last time around. For… reasons.
29. There’s Shida with a big stick and a lot of red. That takes us into commercial, so there’s a hint of shenanigans, but not quite enough to get Farva a pistol-whipping. Yet.
30. The crowd seems to mostly be behind Team Originals, rather than Team former WWE. At least it’s not Team WWE: Originals, so no one needs to put a little ass on it. Not that anyone ever did…
31. It’s a pretty standard tag match so far, with everyone working well together as expected. Looks like Hayter has a helluva bruise on her hip though. Rebel gets involved, which causes Shida to slide the kendo stick in and that causes Hayter and Baker to win. Totally accidental, I’m sure. Otherwise this was underwhelming, due only to the expectations put on it with the six-week hype.
32. Eddie Kingston is so angry that he interrupts Excalibur’s post-match hype train, and he and Ortiz bicker because there’s definitely not a House of Black recruitment effort going on. We get Danielson/Bandido next week, so that’s good news too.
33. If the JAS already didn’t have that late 90’s boyband vibe going on before, they do now. At this point, the musical number with MJF from the early pandemic era wouldn’t look out of place in the slightest, and that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing. Synchronized turns and everything. Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle! Now they’re all throwing clothes off together. As long as Menard gets to speak at some point, I’ll be happy. That man is a treasure.
34. Daddy Magic wins the HAM, unless someone else can outdo someone asking “do you know what makes Daddy Magic’s nipples hard” with all the bravado of a pop diva karaoke contest with no noodling bans.
35. Ricky Starks and Action Andretti interrupts, the latter being a few more burns short of needing a Kane mask. Jericho makes an Oliver Twist reference, so we’re getting our Lit 101 mixed in because why not. Andretti jokes about Guevara being Andretti’s babysitter, which would be one hell of a spin-off Saturday morning series. Ooh, a Chia Pet reference along with making fun of speech impediments and wearing helmets, we’re getting all the late 90s hits in here to go with those outfits. That’s certainly a choice.
36. This segment… it’s definitely a segment, I guess. I’m glad Starks challenged Hager after it was announced that the match was already booked, but… sure. Hager at least intentionally sounds silly.
37. Cue that Roundball Rock though because match seven is next. Anything would be a good palette cleanser after whatever that was though.
38. Ladder match finale to this excellent series, for which I had the pleasure of witnessing match two in person a little while back. The ability of these six to wrestle this many times in a row and keep it fresh every time is a testament to all of them. Everyone predicted the Elite would return and immediately take back their lost Trios titles, and while that may be what inevitably happens here, I don’t think anyone expected a seven-match series like this.
39. As usual, it starts in fast motion. Highlight being a springboard arm drag off the ladder by Fenix, wow! Multiple table spots, including Omega flipping over before going through one. That’s gotta be scary as hell.
40. There’s not much to say about this that can’t be said just by watching and reacting to it. It’s moving so fast that it’s impossible to recap, though the commentators had to use the scientific term for the fleshy fun bridge during the commercial break, so that’s a thing that happened.
41. 450 through a table, we’re going all out here for sure. They’re pulling out all the stops after building up to this. The Hype Man sends Matt off the ladder, and good guy Brandon Cutler makes the save. He managed to make me feel bad for him during the BTE episode where the House of Black took out everyone, so that’s something.
42. Kenny hits another huge One-Winged Angel, and appropriately after his huge win over Ospreay last week, the Elite makes a comeback nearly as good as the Cavs in 2016 (it’s the only one we have in Cleveland, let us have it). The Elite winning isn’t a surprise, but what a damn good series they got out of it rather than what was predicted beforehand.
43. Well, there wasn’t the big debut everyone expected, but Adam Cole’s surprise return was definitely a huge highlight. It’s impossible to not feel let down by a six-week hype for a mystery partner and have it go the way it did, and the JAS segment was awkward and… more awkward… but the rest of the show was fantastic. Most of the matches themselves were really good and hyped well in advance, save for the aforementioned, but I can’t complain. Hard to go back to watching it on TV after last week for multiple reasons, but an overall great show to watch from home too.
LARGE HAM
1/4/23 – The Gunns
1/11/23 – Daddy Magic
You know who’s taking it this week. Daddy Magic himself by turning it up way past 11 during his brief time of speaking. His commentary alone makes Dark worth watching in full too, though I have been enjoying those shows more lately too.
Thank you to everyone who left kind words last week. I’m so happy to be back.
Listen to “#61 – Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)” on Spreaker.