IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #409
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Last column I learned that I covered “fake fighting in a high school gym” on a site called wrestlingheadlines.com. Gosh, I’m so owned, and so is Kevin Durant. Who knew that 7 thousand people could fit in a high school gym? Damn Phoenix. I’m totally suffering from the sheer ownage. Halp. Next thing you know, I’ll be sitting in a movie theatre doing a review only to be told that I’m not actually watching a bear strung out on cocaine.
Thoughts on Rampage – February 24th, 2023
1. Greetings from Racine, Wisconsin this week. We’re opening with the Young Bucks and Aussie Open, and given the amount of hype I’ve heard about the latter, I’m expecting great things from this match. I’m only familiar due to the Forbidden Door cycle last year, but people I trust have wonderful things to say and I believe them.
2. Oh man, there’s some commercial about vampires. Don’t they know they’re not real vampires? Is anything what it claims to be anymore? Alas, I am such forlorn. I’m in an ethical pickle.
3. Another ridiculously long stalling suplex going on in the corner view there. Like I said a column or so ago, that is never not impressive to me.
4. Ohai Kenny Omega, glad to see you at ringside. All I’ve heard is how he needs to have a singles match with Buddy Matthews in the buildup to the trios match at Revolution. Give me all the good wrestling.
5. I love when they have the Elite opening a show, especially Rampage. The first match of an AEW show always delivers, but Rampage especially always needs the boost in terms of star power and credibility.
6. I know some people are excited about the All Access show, and good for them. I mean that, there’s no snideness in that comment. It’s just not for me. The same way some people enjoy Total Divas or any of those other shows, I don’t begrudge something that might bring more people to the show. I just don’t have to partake in it.
7. Damn this is just pure fun. It’s gonna leave a huge burden on the main event for Andretti and Guevara to follow this, but this is what they do.
8. The lights go out, and yet again the commentators have to pretend they have no idea what’s going on. Nothing happened when they come back on though, so that was interesting.
9. JR is so proud of his comment about a pinfall being broken up in the “Nick of time.” The Young Bucks get the win in a rather anti-climactic BTE Trigger. Then the lights go off again, and this time all four sides of the ring have a House of Black member with their mask/awesome hat.
10. JR comments on the House of Black’s “unique lifestyle… not that there’s anything wrong with that.” That’s definitely a thing that was said.
11. Meanwhile, the Best Friends get jumped by the Firm, and conveniently enough, the Gunns suddenly remember that they’re part of that faction too. Where did this come from? Who knows? At least it’s getting Chuck and Trent on the show, and if Big Bill can make some more silly faces, that’s good too.
12. A random Matt Menard cameo is enough to save having to sit through another sports gambling ad. It’s like they know…
13. The new Burger King jingle is the most lethargic ad song I’ve ever heard. It sounds like they had to sing it for the 200th time that day and they just stopped caring. These are the thing I think of when I’m not at home and thus not watching on FITE.
14. We come back with Danhausen blaming the attack on Jarrett and Lethal, but Bryce confirms it was the Firm. Orange Cassidy: Fighting Champion is about to become… an avenger?
15. Toni Storm heads out next, as she’s facing the happiest person on the planet. I’m a particular fan of the purple aesthetic, but that’s no surprise to anyone.
16. Has Willow been here long enough to be considered a “homegrown” talent? Sure, let’s go with it. Gotta fill this out somehow until we get Ruby Soho’s choice.
17. Jericho talks about how Toni Storm’s sneer is what changed from her losing all the time. Um… when? When was she losing? What a weird thing to say. But I guess heelin’ ain’t easy sometimes.
18. We come back just in time for the hope spot to get cut off and Toni to hit the hip attack. She always makes that look so brutal, and I’m glad we didn’t need to spray paint her first, I guess.
19. Saraya starts talking mad shit when Willow makes her comeback, and the world’s most predictable result happens where the two-on-one advantage is all the difference.
20. What a shock, they’re again going for the spray paint thing. Hey Ruby, remember when y’all were allied for like two weeks? This seems like a good time. Ohai, there you are. Thus my day is infinitely better.
21. In a reverse of the Dynamite moment, Jamie Hayter’s music cuts them off halfway up, and she chases Saraya around the ring. Ruby watches on like hey, I got green hair now, that’s cool. And it is.
22. Meanwhile, the Acclaimed get to respond to Lethal and Jarrett being added to the match, as if they haven’t beaten them several times this year. Caster agrees with me in calling them carnies, but this is an AEW interview, so they get interrupted by Team Carny. That’s the second backstage four-on-two tag team attack tonight, what an oddly specific trope to go for deuces on.
23. Jade Cargill gets to review her record and to welcome all competition. As she surely should, though that thing with that rapper got dropped awfully quickly, didn’t it?
24. Next, welcome back Lance Archer! So happy to see you, can you point the way for Miro? Also why is he dressed like Mordecai? Don’t get me wrong, it looks awesome, just… not what I was expecting.
25. Also good to see Jake with him, and Lance is getting a pretty good reaction. I guess when you have a roster this big, having people cycle in and out can freshen them up, thus leading to better crowd reactions.
26. That poor fool thought he could get some offense in this match. Big mistake. Lance wins to no one’s surprise, but that’s a good thing. Good to have him back, and that’s the way to give him a momentous return.
27. A review of what happened in the main event last week, and it looks like we’re gonna get Dustin and Keith against Swerve and Parker next week. I’m perfectly all right with that. Keith Lee, another recent return to cycle back in the storylines, it’s working well.
28. Hey, now we’re back to having Mark Henry in his little screen between the two. Garcia is super all about Guevara this week, so that’s a thing. Andretti is not a fan, however, and wants to make sure people don’t just consider him a fluke victory. I hope he isn’t, I’d love to see him built well off that win. He’s been mired in the feud with the JAS since then though, so like Starks, I hope he can move on to good things.
29. Meanwhile, Stokely sets up that Hook will be facing Ethan Page next week, but psych it’s Matt Hardy. He, Kassidy, and Ethan Page HAM it up to the Xtreme.
30. Peter Avalon is getting a Dynamite match? Yay, good for him! We’re also getting the Face of the Revolution ladder match, good to see that wasn’t pushed aside this year. It gets Hobbs and Takeshita on the card too, so a couple of bonuses there. No matter how the builds to AEW PPVs are, the shows themselves have always delivered, at least in my experience. AEW Revolution should be a lot of fun.
31. I don’t know if I caught it before, but Andretti is from Philly, home of my alma mater. That’s neat!
32. Andretti does a badass counter of a hurricanrana by landing on his feet. I look forward to seeing what this guy can do with different opponents and more experience. His win against Jericho showed real promise, now I want to see them build on it.
33. The Phoenix fans start chanting “Sammy sucks,” so they too think he has a punchable face. These two together though, this is fantastic wrestling, even with a lot to live up to. The hot crowd is losing energy though, and it’s hard to blame them. Elevation, Dynamite, and then Rampage is a lot of wrestling.
34. There they are, Phoenix is fully alive again. Andretti kicks Garcia on the outside, then hits a springboard senton. Gorgeous. These two could have a proper program if given the time and lack of shenanigans.
35. Shenanigans ensue once again, so Sammy gets the win. Garcia hypes Sammy up while Jericho gives a slow clap walking down from commentary. Both of these two will be in the ladder match too, so that’ll be perfect for their abilities. We wrap up there, Rampage continues to be a far better show than it was mere months ago.
LARGE HAM
1/4/23 – The Gunns
1/11/23 – Daddy Magic
1/13/23 – Danhausen
1/18/23 – Sonjay Dutt
1/20/23 – Stokely Hathaway
1/25/23 – Tony Schiavone
1/27/23 – Danhausen
2/1/23 – Jade Cargill
2/3/23 – Ethan Page
2/8/23 – MJF
2/10/23 – STIIIIIIING
2/15/23 – Ruby Soho
2/17/23 – Dustin Rhodes
2/22/23 – Chris Jericho
2/24/23 – Matt Hardy
As inconsistently as it may be booked, every time this section of the Firm storyline is on television, it’s chock full of HAM and absolutely delightful.