IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #420
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Thoughts on AEW Rampage/Battle of the Belts VI – April 7th, 2023
1. It’s Friday night, and it’s not pre-recorded, so that helps a great deal. Odds that an actual title change will happen in the second hour? Not great, but it should still be fun.
2. We’re starting off with something (thankfully) rare in AEW, an immediate rematch from the previous show. Hook again defends against Ethan Page for the alleged championship he holds. The fight starts off with an Ethan Page cheap shot, and much like Anarchy in the Arena a while back, the theme music continues while they fight.
3. We’re about eight seconds in to the show, and we’ve already got a table. Not wasting any time for this live crowd, eh?
4. People love to be watching the show on TV backstage lately, and Matt Hardy and Kassidy are no exception. And now Hook used the most dangerous crowd weapon in all of existence: a cup with a beverage inside! Despite the swerve (no Strickland) we got with Hardy on Wednesday, I hope we don’t lose goofy Ethan Page entirely. It’s no secret that I love a good HAM.
5. “If he hits that, it could mean the end of Hook’s FTW reign!” And? Seems to have done pretty well for Ricky Starks…
6. They both end up going through a table, though not the one they pulled out from under the ring. Poor timekeepers, always dodging people. Supposedly Page was the one body-slamming Hook but it weirdly looked like Hook pulling Page with him. It looked cool either way but it also looked like they both took all of it. I suppose even some finishers look that way on occasion, though.
7. Ethan has one hell of a kick. He takes too long to follow up though, and Hook catches him in the Redrum, and just like that, Hook defends successfully again. That was fun.
8. But oh wait, Chekov’s table still sits all unbroken and tempting. Hook suplexes him through it in the corner for a little extra pepper on that win.
9. QTV happened.
10. Once we come back, we’re re-living the Acclaimed/Juniors Ass odd quartet but with Menard and Ang, but it means that Daddy Magic is HAMming it up on the mic, so it’s perfectly fine. The former ended pretty well for the Acclaimed, all things considered.
11. Sign HAM: “Cody Loses LOL.”
12. Not one of the better raps from Caster, but no-name jobber entranced poor fools don’t get the A-list material.
13. The phrase “four-way Scissor party” was just used, and I’m imagining how I’d explain that to a new fan. The Acclaimed win the match with occasional JAS involvement. But then suddenly, Biff biffs Senior Ass and they attack the trio. They make it sound like the JAS just wanted to get them to lower their guard, but if that’s the case, they look like a pack of idiots, to say the very least. Biff’s gonna biff and he gives some extra HAM by repeatedly throwing Billy Gunn’s shoe at them.
14. Swerve is now here and makes a reference to a “merger.” Heh. But oh no, we gotta wait til later to find out who it is. Okay then.
15. I hear something that sounds like an anime chipmunk got stuck in a time vortex mid-DJ spin, so it must mean Lee Moriarty’s music started. Another Pillar match, which will be a beneficial showcase, and then they casually mention that Darby was struck by a car yesterday. Talk about burying the lede! Guy gets hit by a car and they treat it with a reverence of someone who almost tripped on a wire once. If all he walked away with was bruises and “road rash” then he won that fight.
16. More TV watching, Pillar-style! This time they’re not standing in front of a set, but looking like they’re actually in a place and comfortable, so that’s a nice touch.
17. I haven’t gotten to see All Access yet. I hope it’s good, for the sake of drawing in new people and humanizing the wrestlers. If you’ve enjoyed it, let me know. I’m curious.
18. Seeing Tormund Giantsbane in a lawn commercial is weird, even with those travel site commercials he did before. I keep expecting him to slip in a story about his adventures with a bear, just to see if anyone’s paying attention.
19. Darby either has an interesting kayfabe backstory for those legit bruises he has, or he’s really that much of a badass that he’s taking bumps from two different people 24 hours after getting in a slapfight with a Buick. Just as I say that, he takes a nasty delayed fall on the ropes that looks almost like it pauses for a few seconds. That wouldn’t feel good in situations of not challenging a vehicle to fisticuffs, let alone… Damn.
20. Darby gets the win in a really fun match, and the Firm is 0-2 on the night. Their matches are usually pretty fun, but their win-loss percentage leaves something to be desired.
21. Swerve picks this moment to greet his friend from Washington. Before anything happens, Brian Cage hits him out of nowhere and throws Darby on his face on the rampway. The merger is complete, the Mogul Affiliates have joined with Prince Nana and the other people Cage hangs out with that we rarely see. If Cage is still working without a contract but both has a title and formed a new stable, that’s an interesting risk.
22. Meanwhile, my wishes were granted in hoping for more RJ City on TV as he “mediates” between Taya and Jade while Mark Sterling wears the world’s bluest suit. Either that or he really loved the old school 1980s Cavs uniforms. It goes exactly as well as you’d expect.
23. TurboTax, how you gonna have a commercial with someone dancing while playing “The Safety Dance” but not have the guy doing the actual Safety Dance? It’s pretty bad when BioDome lived up to that better than you did.
24. Julia Hart in the main event, yes please! Unfortunately the sound department was unaware of it. She’s like “no one ever touches Julia Hart’s hat” and when you hang out with the House of Black and seem to be leading them, that’s probably good advice. Mark Henry says his thing without a live interview, but he always seems to be really enjoying himself.
25. Swerve vs. Darby next week? DEFY on Dynamite!
26. Julia lip syncs her entrance theme while dancing in blue. I’m honestly surprised more people don’t do that.
27. She’s 21? That means I’ve been watching wrestling longer than she’s existed? I need a minute…
28. Damn, this is intense. Living up to that Winnipeg clash between their two respective stables. Amazing to think that not too long ago, she was a cheerleader, and just as I say that, the commentators mention it too.
29. Julia gets the win via Mist, The in a really good main event. Gosh Rampage is so much better when it’s live.
I feel like Darby deserves a HAM for wrestling after being hit by a car.
Battle of the Belts
30. Julia’s face when “Jane” starts playing is legendary. She remains staring him down well after he passes her. Orange Cassidy: Fighting Champion continues on, giving the usual amount of single fucks as ever. He’s facing Dralistico, who is wearing a Fiend-like mask on top of his mask. Maybe that’s what he always wears, I’m not too familiar, but that’s what it reminded me of. Dralistico brought his friends with him. The stable wars continue, and we’ve seen Negative One in the other promotion sooner than we’ve seen him or his Dark Order friends seek revenge against Preston Vance.
31. Orange Cassidy gives some apathetic chips, and I’m pretty sure Dralistico almost responds with a sarcastic crotch tap. The fun continues with Dralistico doing the pockets gimmick and they both bring the speed. OC fakes a dive to the outside and it gets a “holy shit!” chant. I love wrestling. Jose the Assistant assists by causing a low blow while the Best Friends and Dralistico’s best friends fight to the back on the outside. Jose remains to further assist.
32. Someone is screaming at the top of their lungs repeatedly like a gym teacher’s whistle and I can’t not hear it.
33. OC fails to win with the Simon Miller Special, but wins a few seconds later with the Orange Punch. He continues to sell the hand after hitting the mask.
34. Julia went back and told on him, and now he’s being lectured by Malakai Black. They play “We showed you our titles, now you show us yours” and Buddy vs. OC is in the future. I’m perfectly okay with that!
35. Next is Jade Cargill against Billie Starkz, with whom I’m not familiar. She’s 18? Good JBL, thought 27 but worse.
36. I am so sick of the Burger King jingle right now. I should’ve just brought an extra computer and watched on FITE.
37. Mark Briscoe gets interviewed backstage, and of course he gets interrupted by Jay Lethal, who says they should be working together. Mark eventually accepts, but then the rest of Jay’s friends join in celebrating, and Mark looks confused… for some reason. They’ve all been hanging out together for a while, yo.
38. The outfits are amazing tonight. I appreciate the aesthetic of this company so much.
39. Billie is holding up better than a lot who have stood before her against Jade. I don’t think she’s going to win, and not just because this is Battle of the Belts, but it’s a damn good showing all the same.
40. Billie gets out of the Jaded twice, but then gets kicked right in the fuck before third time’s the charm. Taya comes out for a confrontation afterward, but it’s only teased again. Great match, even if I never thought in a million years that Jade would lose. 55-0 now.
41. Backstage, an interview actually goes uninterrupted. It’s somber and pretty emotional with Cutler and Nakazawa being the only ones left. They’re no fans of bullies and it seems like they’re going to stand up for what’s left of the Elite. I don’t like their chances, but they’re gonna try (no Orange Cassidy.)
42. It’s time for the main event… again. Lucha Brothers against Hobbs and QT Marshall for the ROH tag titles. Almost feels like a throwback with an ROH title match being on a Friday night.
43. I still don’t get the pairing of Hobbs and QT Marshall, with the former being such a loner in the buildup of the Book of Hobbs gimmick, but it’s getting him on TV and in the main event, so I’ll take it.
44. Between the screamer and two BK jingles per ad break, I don’t even have the sound on anymore, I can’t take it.
45. Gee, I wonder who’s going to take the pinfall in this match. It truly is a mystery beyond our comprehension or understanding.
46. This match is fun, even if it is falling into a bit of a problem of the last few weeks of AEW programming: good matches but with the winners seldom in doubt. Battle of the Belts in particular has fallen into that bad habit. I think there’s been one title change in all six of them?
47. Despite Hobbs powerbombing Penta into the ring apron, Fenix gets a quick pinfall on Marshall (no surprise) for the win.
48. Good main event, fun show for sure, but again, no real surprises in the match results. Interesting to see the merging of Swerve and Prince Nana’s respective stables, but I do wonder where that will go. Still worth watching though.
Orange Cassidy was extra, even for him, but Julia Hart’s death stare for a ridiculous amount of time has to take it for this second hour.
LARGE HAM
1/4/23 – The Gunns
1/11/23 – Daddy Magic
1/13/23 – Danhausen
1/18/23 – Sonjay Dutt
1/20/23 – Stokely Hathaway
1/25/23 – Tony Schiavone
1/27/23 – Danhausen
2/1/23 – Jade Cargill
2/3/23 – Ethan Page
2/8/23 – MJF
2/10/23 – STIIIIIIING
2/15/23 – Ruby Soho
2/17/23 – Dustin Rhodes
2/22/23 – Chris Jericho
2/24/23 – Matt Hardy
3/1/23 – Big Bill
3/3/23 – Jungle Boy
3/5/23 – MJF
3/8/23 – Anthony Bowens
3/10/23 – Riho
3/15/23 – MJF/Darby Allin/Jungle Boy/Sammy Guevara
3/22/23 – STIIIIIING
3/29/23 – Juice Robinson
3/31/23 – Eddie Kingston
4/5/23 – MJF
4/7/23 – Darby Allin/Julia Hart