IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #438
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Thoughts on AEW Dynamite: Blood and Guts 2023
1. Greetings from my home area of northeast Ohio. Almost a mini-PPV vibe going on tonight, and I’m curious what will come out of the diverging storylines toward All In/Out as a result.
2. Opening up with an FTW match, the familiar sounds of “Tarzan Boy” despite the thought and proclamation that we’d never hear that again. But he also doesn’t seem to be coming out, so I presume he’s still in the SUV until it changes.
3. Actually, he’s out with Stanley Yelnats looking for something interesting in a barren wasteland. He buried something, or perhaps someone, out there to hopefully get extra shower time. A limo pulls up that definitely does not have Christian Cage inside (or maybe it’s Callis?), and suddenly… Beethoven’s 5th? I swear, if it went into the disco version from Saturday Night Fever just to remind him of his old theme, I would’ve laughed my ass off.
4. JP then gets out of the ring and makes faces at a kid, just in case you didn’t know he’s a heel now.
5. Hook does Hook things and remains as cool as ever. I’m curious to see what Taz will do if things go awry.
6. It’s spilled into the crowd already, and I spy a Montreal Expos hat. Someday, they and the Supersonics will be a thing again.
7. I think JP dyed his hair and his beard darker. That or he just has Roman levels of body oil in it to make it appear so. He’s putting his all into this character shift, I’ll give him credit for not just being “oh I’m the same Jungle Boy but I just hate ‘each and every one of you’ now.”
8. Oh right, watching on a hotel TV means picture-in-picture. I forgot. Whoops.
9. We come back with… JP trying to German suplex Hook off the ring, which comes back to bite him and turns into a suplex to the floor, taking them both out. JP on the pink Lego mat in particular looks decimated from such a tumble.
10. Hook ain’t winning by no countout, but never underestimate the power of sloth when used for evil. It traps Hook into an Orton-ish DDT to the floor. The first half of this show is up against a pinnacle-level gimmick match, but they’re bringing it as best they can anyway. JP hits another German but Hook does a “Samoa Joe in TNA during Kurt Angle’s debut”-esque dramatic rise, and it’s awesome.
11. Because all referees and faces must be idiots, JP hits a low-blow and then is utterly amazed that Hook is suddenly down on the ground writhing. Hook kicks out at 2.9, so JP goes for the belt, and oh snap, the ref gets taken out. Taz is getting exponentially more pissed.
12. Oh, the ref manages to come to just after Hook gets clocked with the title belt, and JP’s smug grin is absolutely precious. JP gets the win and ends Hook’s undefeated streak. It was the usual brand of heel shenanigans, but the match was well done and I doubt this feud is over.
13. Meanwhile, at a backstage diner somewhere, Chris Jericho and Don Callis discuss evildoing things.
14. Taz is distraught to be on camera, even more props to him for how he’s playing this.
15. Now, the best thing in AEW continues, this week we’re in a parking lot and eating spicy food with MJF and Adam Cole. 95,000 Maximaniacs, slamming Big Bill, Wrestlemania III style, MJF did. “I was right there.” Please keep this going as long as possible.
16. “I want the pineapple.” Whoops, MJF drank 100 percent alcohol, which makes the same story even more exaggerated. They can’t decide whether the waiter resembles Sammy or Danny, but it’s clear, it’s time for a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! The segment goes off with the poor waiter seeing the two of them approaching in slow motion. I know I keep comparing these to the Team Hell No segments, but I can’t think of a more flattering reference to make.
17. Meanwhile, they keep stalking Callis and Jericho for reasons, this time outside the arena.
18. Britt Baker’s record is 8-5 this year? Damn! Meanwhile she’s about to improve to 9-5 because she’s facing someone without an entrance, thanks for coming Kayla Sparks. That also happened.
19. Now back with Renee interviewing Adam Cole and MJF, continuing the vibe from earlier. It’s a battle of each trying not to corpse when the other is talking, and each of them failing equally. They’ve got matching outfits too. Unfortunately for Roderick, he’s getting Dark Order’d for the time being.
20. Are they technically the former JAS now? That hasn’t been made explicitly clear, but when the purple hat gets turned in, it’s all but a formality. Garcia and Guevara are in the finals against the Double Clothesline sensation.
21. Speaking of whom, Jericho is out to have leather and be sparkly. He tries to get people to stop singing, but if anything can do it, it’s the opening strains of “Dig Deep.” The song doesn’t change though, but OPE they have a meshed theme! This is the HAMmiest angle I’ve seen in years. The meshed theme is up there with RVD and Booker T’s tag team combo theme in terms of “does not blend” but who cares? These pops, double clothesline signs, it’s wonderful. The whole crowd starts chanting “Double Clothesline.” They got this and a body slam over in 2023, it’s still unreal.
22. Jericho can’t help but poke the bear with Taz, because douchey heels gonna douchey heel.
23. Because the HAM meters aren’t out of control enough, we have a thrust-off between Garcia and MJF, because it truly is the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.
24. It turns into a full dance-off with disco lights and everything. I wish they used “More More More,” just as a nod to the master of the Strut-Off. MJF does his version of the dance and then desperately tries to get Adam Cole in, and… it’s so bad that even MJF tells him to tone it down, and that’s saying something. What am I watching right now?
25. MJF repeatedly runs the ropes and then just raises his arms while the heels ruin everything, as usual. I’m gonna have to rewatch this to hear the commentary during picture-in-picture, because that’s usually the best stuff of the night.
26. There’s a preview for a movie with the subtitle of “The Trench,” and it is not a biopic of the greatest Mogul Affiliate in the history of anything ever, sad to report. I know that’s what you were expecting, but alas, I am the bearer of unfortunate news.
27. We come back just in time for MJF to do the Flair fall into Sammy’s Guevaras but with 30 seconds of dramatics beforehand, and I’m still here for it. The heels do the most dastardly thing they could possibly conjure in a Blood and Guts event… try to do the Double Clothesline themselves. You magnificent bastards, I read your book!
28. Sammy interrupts the Boom and gets the HBK to Shelton Gold Rush superkick spot for his trouble. They again miss the Double Clothesline and Sammy reverses into a double Spanish Fly, which is impressive in and of itself. But again, a reminder that even after that, the Double Clothesline will still be chanted for.
29. It fails again, which will get more heat than anything not named Don Callis tonight. What interesting times we live in.
30. MJF again can’t do the dive, but Adam cheers him on to do so, and the pop is only outdone by MJF’s “holy shit, I just did that” face. This keeps getting better.
31. They finally get the Double Clothesline, and it gets a bigger pop than you would ever imagine. MJF and Adam Cole will be facing FTR on Collision. More of all of this, please.
32. Jericho goes to “console his guys” but they blow him off. If he has nothing else, he has the Jerichocity to be surprised by this.
33. Adam stares at the AEW title belt a little too long, they hug it out, but MJF’s smile disappears when Adam turns around. We’re not done yet though, because incoming synthwave alerts us to the presence of FTR. This ain’t no video game, can’t become tag team champions with a record of 0-0. They yell at each other while that awful yet wonderful theme of MJF and Adam Cole continues to play.
34. Well done, first hour of Dynamite. They could’ve easily made this a “Battle of the Belts” hour, but instead they gave us a glorious lead-in to the main event.
35. Here comes Blood and Guts, but gotta get a toy promotion in first. And also, the BFFs, Orange Cassidy, Darby, and Nick Wayne. I guess Kris is still associated with the BFFs too, who knew? Darby cashes in a favor to get AR Fox an International title match, and also, Shark. It’s padding, but it’s delicious padding.
36. Damn, to make up for the four-match Dynamite card, they loaded up Rampage, as they absolutely should.
37. The 1812 Overture brings us another classical entrance this evening, and also it means Claudio is entering first. Because they’re padding it out even more, we go into another commercial break.
38. Finally, who is joining for the first five? Kenny himself. Kenny vs. Claudio by itself is a main event, but that’ll just be the overture of this one. What a great time to be a wrestling fan.
39. They’ve got matching blue in their respective outfits, that was nice of them. The commentators run down the people who have been injured in this match, and the only real surprise out of it is that it isn’t longer.
40. The five minutes are up, and… what a Bastard. People are trying to high-five him, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he threw an actual shark back at them during Shark Week. Unfortunately, most of that entire segment is PiP, but we come back just in time to see Hangman even the odds. I really miss FITE.
41. Hangman scales the cage for a springboard moonsault, and I’m sure the ante will only get higher from there, given who is involved.
42. Kenny keeps getting launched into the side of the cage, which given that we saw him nearly tear out a knee going through one not too long ago, that is worrying at the very least.
43. Forget the curveball, Ricky. Give ’em the barb wire. Here comes Mox, so it’s about to get nasty. There’s a screwdriver involved almost immediately, drawing a very appropriate “you sick fuck” chant. There’s also a bite, so Mox Bingo is almost filled already.
44. Oh hey, there’s also a fork. That seems well-timed, given the episode of Dark Side of the Ring that came out most recently…
45. Now there’s broken glass. Just in time for the next countdown, all the really fun and dangerous toys are out and available. Here comes Nick, complete with a song that doesn’t do well for quick intros. He immediately does a dropkick that sends Mox (and his own leg) into the glass, so we’re not fucking around here tonight.
46. Nick does a hurricanrana onto Claudio, who lands back-first into the broken glass, and does a full sprint around the ring that should’ve had Yakety Sax with it. Then Nick himself gets sent… looked like wrist-first as well. The crowd may as well be chanting “you sick fucks” the whole time.
47. Time for the little shit to make his entrance, and he’s also got that blue going on. Nothing says more about how much Wheeler’s presence means in comparison than going to PiP before he even gets to the ring.
48. We come back just in time for the other Superkick Party intro, so we’ve got Kota and Takeshita as the ringers, which will escalate things considerably.
49. Mox is bleeding, because after all, it’s a day.
50. The match is stalling a bit before Takeshita jogs joyfully out with his chair to the Don Callis sound effect.wav.
51. Takeshita German suplexes both the Jacksons like it’s nothing. Blood and Guts is bringing everything. I think there are cupping marks on his back.
52. Not to be outdone, what in this side of Terry Funk Hellraiser did Mox just bring out? A bed of nails, which Kenny gets shotgun dropkicked into back-first, and is somehow still actually here. To further emphasize that point, Mox bodyslams him into it too. This seems like the job for a Golden Lover to save.
53. Somehow after all the Forbidden Door-esque surprise crossovers and big debuts, Kota still manages to feel like a tremendously big deal just for walking out on stage, and I love it. Mox looks like he’s bleeding on top of the usual fare, which makes him look even more terrifying. Which I suppose is the point, but I digress.
54. Kota slams Mox onto the bed, and then moonsaults on top of him. He comes up with his arms hurting like hell. Who’da thought that might have unfortunate consequences?
55. Speaking of unfortunate, the Golden Lovers double kick camera angle unfortunately shows that Kota missed his side of the kick, but at least created a refreshing breeze for the open wounds nearby, so it’s not all bad news.
56. Owen Wilson is on my screen because he’s in the Haunted Mansion. Can’t be worse than The Haunting. Reallllllly creepy. Hopefully that’s the last damn PiP, good JBL.
57. While we were away, we got on top of the cage. Little shit Yuta has already dealt with the suplex on the Lego mat, and is now getting an arrow button signature with the rolling Northern Lights. They nearly throw him off, because there always has to be one, but we’re not there just yet.
58. I’m glad this isn’t 1998, because going through the cage during one of those moves would have dreadful consequences.
59. How appropriate, a Red Cross blood donation ad during this match. Oh, and they just said that themselves, but sometimes the connection is obvious enough that everyone can address it.
60. This feels less chaotic than Anarchy in the Arena, and at least by that I mean I don’t feel like I’m missing 3/4 of it.
61. You Sick Fuck, moment 67, it’s raining thumbtacks, and Claudio and Pac both get slammed into them. Between those and the broken glass, are there any safe spots on the mat left where you won’t be punctured by something? Because it’s a wrestling crowd though, despite all the sharp danger things, they chant for a table. But the Elite immediately obliges, so they’re just enablers.
62. One minute after chanting for tables, now they want fire. And the guys in the ring are the sick fucks? Feels about Boston, and I say that with affection.
63. Everyone lines up to take a turn doing a top rope move onto Pac, because his nose wasn’t enough.
64. Now THIS has to be the last PiP, right? I really don’t even want to think about food with such events taking place.
65. Four superplexes and a ghetto stomp through a table from the top of the cage. What even is reality anymore?
66. Mox’s back looks like something out of the Sculpture Garden at this point.
67. The teams all regroup for the final act, each in their own ring. They all charge at each other in the middle, and the crowd is still red hot after all this. I pity Rampage for having to follow this, unless it’s finally filmed beforehand like it should be with there being no more Dark/Elevation.
68. There have been plenty of Stereo moves throughout, and now it’s time for stereo submission holds, plus the Big Swing. Which I guess is technically a submission move since Jericho tapped to it once. Nah, nevermind, now it’s a Sharpshooter, so the BCC is in a five-way attempt at a tapout. Then Kota gets free and they’re nice enough to stand there and let Kota kick them while they maintain the holds. Claudio hasn’t been hit enough in the last hour though, so he takes several of them before finally letting go.
69. Claudio accidentally uppercuts Pac, and the world’s most predictable heel meltdown commences. Pac flips a double bird and bails. The giant cutters they bring out seem almost comedically large. Pac stares angrily (as if he has any other kind of stare) and now it’s 5-on-4. Is the Elite really going to win three in a row in this feud?
70. Everyone starts ganging up on Yuta, as ya do. Mox is being handcuffed to the ropes by the faces in this match. Takeshita also starts to walk out, so now it’s 5-on-3. This seems too convenient to end like this. Also there’s a thumbtack shoe, but it doesn’t explode, so that’s something. Yuta gets choked out, Elite win again. Now they’re 3-1, so the BCC looks kinda terrible as a result. The match overall was absolutely ridiculous, even with the confusing moment of two of the heels walking out of the match. The first hour wasn’t completely outshone, which is an accomplishment in and of itself. However, other than that first match where Takeshita did the surprise reveal, the BCC lost a 3 on 3, the Forbidden Door 5 on 5, and now this one too. I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem to make total sense. Oh well, what can ya do?
1/4/23 – The Gunns
1/11/23 – Daddy Magic
1/13/23 – Danhausen
1/18/23 – Sonjay Dutt
1/20/23 – Stokely Hathaway
1/25/23 – Tony Schiavone
1/27/23 – Danhausen
2/1/23 – Jade Cargill
2/3/23 – Ethan Page
2/8/23 – MJF
2/10/23 – STIIIIIIING
2/15/23 – Ruby Soho
2/17/23 – Dustin Rhodes
2/22/23 – Chris Jericho
2/24/23 – Matt Hardy
3/1/23 – Big Bill
3/3/23 – Jungle Boy
3/5/23 – MJF
3/8/23 – Anthony Bowens
3/10/23 – Riho
3/15/23 – MJF/Darby Allin/Jungle Boy/Sammy Guevara
3/22/23 – STIIIIIING
3/29/23 – Juice Robinson
3/31/23 – Eddie Kingston
4/5/23 – MJF
4/7/23 – Darby Allin/Julia Hart
4/12/23 – STIIIIIIIIING
4/14/23 – 2.0/Biff Hager
4/19/23 – Sammy Guevara
4/26/23 – MJF
5/3/23 – Triple J/Mark Briscoe
5/5/23 – The Firm Deletion – All of it
5/10/23 – Chuck Taylor and Trent Baretta
5/17/23 – Toni Storm
5/24/23 – Jay White
5/28/23 – Darby Allin
5/31/23 – Juice Robinson
6/7/23 – MJF
6/9/23 – Ethan Page
6/14/23 – The cardboard cutout of Saraya
6/17/23 – CM Punk
6/21/23 – Adam Cole/MJF
6/23/23 – Anthony Bowens
6/24/23 – Powerhouse Hobbs
6/25/23 – Will Ospreay
6/28/23 – Keith Lee
7/1/23 – Andrade
7/5/23 – Adam Cole/MJF
7/7/23 – Daniel Garcia
7/8/23 – Samoa Joe
7/12/23 – Jack Perry
7/17/23 – Ricky Starks
7/19/23 – MJF and Adam Cole (not even close)