IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #443
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Thoughts on AEW Collision – August 19th, 2023
1. We start off with an Angry Joe, and Angry Joe is best Joe. He’s facing… the Golden Vampire? LeStat Goldust lucha house party?
2. Ohhh, that’s no Golden Vampire, it might be GV Punk though. GTS, followed by “I accept, bitch.” That’s to the point. The pace from Dynamite this week continues.
3. Pretty sure Punk just did an impression of Andrew from Breakfast Club being bored and playing with his drawstring in detention. What a pull. Literally.
4. Aww, Ian’s gone? Sad! We’ve got K-Squared back though.
5. Oh goodie, one of the company’s greatest HAMs, even in a match he’s obviously not going to win. Dalton Castle against perpetual HAM contender Jay White. The outfits don’t get much more gloriously ridiculous than DC and the Bs.
6. I haven’t been to Lexington in nearly a decade, but I did at least get to see Rupp while I was there. It was for a graduation, so nearly two hours of waiting for the Macho Man to show up to no avail. That was back when that was the closest Raising Canes I could visit was located. Now they’re everywhere around here.
7. We’ve got a chase and a debate over whether Nigel prefers cardboard Jay White or actual Jay White. We’re all on fumes trying to get to All In at this point?
8. During PiP, there are so many “woos” by the baddies that it’s like the crowd before any WWE show I’ve ever been to. Random “woos” just echoing throughout the building.
9. Juice Robinson continues being an international treasure. “COVVVVVVVVVER HIMMMMMMMM!” Followed less loudly by a “throw the cheeeeeeeese!”
10. A Dalton Castle chant, I’m pleasantly surprised to hear that. There’s also two signs next to each other. One says “yeah.” LA Knight reference or just random? Right beside it: “made you look.” So thought #10 today is brought you by American billboard advertisers using billboards to advertise their billboard services, but on a wrestling placard.
11. I legit don’t know, so forgive me if this is something that is well-established in wrestling lore. Are the Boys always the same Boys, or does the Eyes Wide Shut brigade attire provide enough anonymity that anyone of similar tone and stature can fill in? Or are there a cavalcade of them at the Boy Zoo, which is right next to the K-Pop airport cell phone lot just waiting to head to their next destination, just waiting for good ol’ DC to give ’em a ring? “This week, I’ll take number 4 and 23, yahhhhhh.”
12. Jay’s uranage is almost as mean as Joe’s “I’m annoyed with you, take a seat” rebound counter. Not the absolute best, but when that’s the only one ahead of you, you’re in good company.
13. Jay White wins to a confused murmur of a reaction. The fact that the others are still carrying around cardboard Jay White when the real one is present is the goofy flavor of HAM that made me come up with the award in the first place.
14. Coming up next, we’ll hear… from Bullet Club Gold, already in the ring. Did you hear that, Kevin? We’re gonna hear from Bullet Club Gold!
15. Jay mentioning the name of the city gets a bigger reaction than the end of the match. All I can hear is heel Rock in 2003, “he said Lexington! Yay, yay! That’s where we live! That’s where we live!”
16. Then, thank you BCG, we are gifted with more Juice Robinson on the mic. He’s got Road Warrior Hawk promo energy except I can actually understand what he’s saying for the most part.
17. The Gunns also get part of the promo. I gotta give them credit, “way more eliter,” made me laugh out loud. They demand three random guys to fight before baiting the crowd into a DX callback.
18. Three beards with wrestlers attached to them come out in their gear ready to go. Thank goodness they were standing by just in case someone needed opponents, aye? Otherwise they’d have been yelling this promo to the bagel person. They continue their introductory promos well into the match, and I’m pretty sure Shorter Beard #2 wants to be called an Ass Boy because he can do the motorboat. You motorboatin’ son of a bitch, you old sailor you!
19. Juice does a corner cannonball while yelling “IDIOT!” Can Juice provide ringside commentary for all matches, even ones he’s not involved with in some way? Throw him in with Adam Cole and MJF at McDonald’s Playland or something.
20. The first part of Collision took around the length of a 90s Indie punk song. The BCG section of the show is approaching “last song on a Dream Theater album” territory. And that’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing, especially after so much of Dynamite felt rushed and compacted, at least when it wasn’t three degrees to the southeast of Fucking Bizarre.
21. Are they the Bang Bang Gang because of the Gunns being involved, or are they just really big Cactus Jack fans? I suppose the Juniors Ass spent at least a little time around him with Senior Ass back in the day at the shows, it’s not unreasonable.
22. Between last week’s strong showing, the fiery pre-match promo, and the match they’re putting up tonight, Iron Savages are getting themselves crowd support on a considerably audible level. Good on ya, Collider Nation..
23. K-Kizzle names “Card-Blade.” All right, Kevin, that’s at least one or two “el Idolo”s off your record.
24. We get brought back up to speed on the Acclaimed/Daddy Ass storyline. They’re mentioning it way too much for that to be a legit retirement. We then get a Game of Thrones-scored House of Black promo, having a seance with the Ass Boots. They pull a Casey Jones. “Oops!” And give the boots the Shredder 1990 treatment
25. We then get Rush calling Jose the Assistant during a selfie promo before going to Mexico on a recruitment drive? I think? They get the remaining members of LFI the Taken treatment before Jose taps it like an ambulance. That is a very particular set of skills.
26. Tony just can’t catch a break, now he’s got Ricky Starks calling him out. He’s going to bring… CHAOS. Then, suddenly… Big Bill. Now we’re going into another very cinematic promo, damn. This is a new flavor for Collision but I’m absolutely loving it. These pretape segments have been badass tonight.
27. Now here come Big Bill and Ricky Starks, the former taking a break from hanging out with other former Team Taz cohort, Brian Cage. Ricky Starks seems to be having the absolute (yes Ricky) time of his life chewing the scenery.
28. Big Bill’s about to have a Big Bash, and I’m honestly just glad to see him getting a televised win. He’s another guy who has been having so much ridiculous and silly fun recently, and I’m here for it. I suppose if you’re going to have Ricky Starks showing off his managerial skills, it might as well be like this. That and with those fantastic pants.
29. Very “All In 2018” of the Darby/AR Fox et al. storyline, the video of Darby and Sting showing up at AR Fox’s wrestling school. Everything I’ve learned about the first All In, they were building up the show doing exactly that. I love that kind of attention to detail.
30. “Father of the Year, Christian Cage.” Oh Nigel, you so silly.
31. Diamante is getting another match on AEW television against Willow, the angle with the two of them plus Mercedes and Stat continues. I’m hoping something out of this storyline will get a second women’s match on All In.
32. Mercedes comes down dressed ready to confront Willow on a roof in San Francisco. “Where’s my fucking money, Willow?”
33. KK refers to Diamante is having an angelic face but being a demon. I guess she’s still got a way to go before she becomes among the Devil’s preferred, let alone favorite demon. Since MJF and Adam Cole are running back Team Hell No 2.0 anyway, might as well make some decrees while you’re in position to do so, Max.
34. Stat finally realizes what the Originals have failed to learn on the other show, and comes out to even the odds before the post-match beatdown. That’s remarkable progress. It helps get Willow the win. It’s almost like when you know there are going to be shenanigans… Weird.
35. We then see a video package about the Young Bucks/FTR match, some Daily’s Place era clips, and no apparent alterations of the match due to current events… yet anyway.
36. Toni Storm: Disaster Pin-Up continues. She’s leaning it to it even more now, and I’m loving every second of it. Imagine, if you give prominent members of a division some character development time as well as in-ring time, it makes them more endearing and enjoyable? Who’da thought?
37. Pretty sure she graduated from Victory Rolls and is now onto less-subtle Cruella DeVille.
38. Did she throw a shoe again? I mean, it’s of a questionable nature who throws a shoe on a solitary occasion, but to be so multiplicitous… That is indeed suspect of the highest order.
39. Powerhouse Hobbs is getting his own time to shine. I don’t like Kevin Ku’s chances.
40. Okay Yeah/Made You Look guys, we get it, you’ve been on TV, I’m sure the people behind you are thrilled. Congrats?
41. Powerhouse throws in a Game Over for good measure. This leads us into Miro being dramatic and fallen. “I am godless, but I know you are not, because you pray to me now.” Damn… There’s badass boasts and then there’s… that.
42. FTR, live this Wednesday. Damn, you’d have thought from the reaction in the last day or so that he’d already been thrown off the show and been replaced by Mr. EdUcator or however they’ll make Adam Copeland’s ring name a pun to sneak it through copyright.
43. I can’t stop thinking about how Adam Cole quoted Stone Cold during the WrestleMania 17 buildup. And I don’t mean “bam she non-factor,” I mean “I need to beat you more than you can possibly imagine.” And with how WM17 ended, is that setting up the big swerve with the Kingdom and Roddy or something?
44. The reading of the next five events takes longer than at least one segment on this show tonight.
45. Time for the main event, which will have no shenanigans or outside involvement whatsoever, Darby and Dad of the Decade.
46. JR comes out for the main event again, and still gets “special guest” treatment for it. I think he’s still looking while slowly walking away from Wednesday’s segment, which needs to be interspersed in a bunch of other memes and I’m sure by the closing of the next episode of Botchamania, it will be.
47. Seeing Christian come out, especially with the rumors of Ed G. making an appearance sometime soon, just makes me think that they could run back the 1999-2001 tag team feud with the Hardys, because somehow despite at least two retirements and surprise returns years later, all four of them are still active. Add the last element in, and maybe they’ll sign Team 3-D to complete the nostalgia trilogy. At least they wouldn’t be told to jump off higher ladders by Dok Hendrix this time.
48. JR calls Darby both a “young horse” and says he has an “amazing motor,” so I’m guessing Darby is fueled by vengeance and horsepower. That would explain how he’s able to run his own body into ridiculous situations and never miss a beat.
49. Luchasaurus gets involved already while JR tells him to go to his room and think about what he’s done.
50. Darby gets a hope spot out of taking Christian from sleeveless turtleneck into the Great Cornholio. If it works, it works. Darby then breathes/growls, and runs smack into Christian for another double count.
51. Nigel admonishes JR’s lack of understanding what “erudite” means and tells him to consult his “Thea-saurus.” Forget Bullet Club, you are the Gold of this show, Nigel.
52. JR mentions not wanting a “kissing your sister” finish. Some JRisms never go away.
53. Darby goes for an apron Coffin Drop despite Luchasaurus being about 3.5 inches away. Darby greets the ring apron with that tattoo on his spine, trying to leave an ink imprint of the tattoo on the mat. The referee somehow continues being distracted while Christian hits him with the belt. This still isn’t enough to put Darby away, who has clearly been using that horsepower to keep going.
54. Even the Copeland finish isn’t quite enough to put him away. Christian putting Darby over huge here. Darby sneaks in a Cattle Mutilation-esque cover, and gets the win to head into both his PPV matches with considerable momentum.
55. Tony has to take the Renee job of working more than anyone else, and he’s also mystified that being thrown out of a match does not equate to going away. I guess he didn’t see Don Callis at Forbidden Door. Christian then forces Tony to count a pinfall and announce his name because every person on either roster just gets an “abuse Tony for funsies” card. Sting was too busy being the Joker to balance things out, I guess.
56. Safe to say that both Collision and Rampage were better than Dynamite this week. I wish I’d gotten to see Komander’s post-match standing ovation before they cut the feed, he deserved it.
I don’t know where Toni’s going with the pin-up disaster, but I’m loving every second of it, thrown shoes and all.
1/4/23 – The Gunns
1/11/23 – Daddy Magic
1/13/23 – Danhausen
1/18/23 – Sonjay Dutt
1/20/23 – Stokely Hathaway
1/25/23 – Tony Schiavone
1/27/23 – Danhausen
2/1/23 – Jade Cargill
2/3/23 – Ethan Page
2/8/23 – MJF
2/10/23 – STIIIIIIING
2/15/23 – Ruby Soho
2/17/23 – Dustin Rhodes
2/22/23 – Chris Jericho
2/24/23 – Matt Hardy
3/1/23 – Big Bill
3/3/23 – Jungle Boy
3/5/23 – MJF
3/8/23 – Anthony Bowens
3/10/23 – Riho
3/15/23 – MJF/Darby Allin/Jungle Boy/Sammy Guevara
3/22/23 – STIIIIIING
3/29/23 – Juice Robinson
3/31/23 – Eddie Kingston
4/5/23 – MJF
4/7/23 – Darby Allin/Julia Hart
4/12/23 – STIIIIIIIIING
4/14/23 – 2.0/Biff Hager
4/19/23 – Sammy Guevara
4/26/23 – MJF
5/3/23 – Triple J/Mark Briscoe
5/5/23 – The Firm Deletion – All of it
5/10/23 – Chuck Taylor and Trent Baretta
5/17/23 – Toni Storm
5/24/23 – Jay White
5/28/23 – Darby Allin
5/31/23 – Juice Robinson
6/7/23 – MJF
6/9/23 – Ethan Page
6/14/23 – The cardboard cutout of Saraya
6/17/23 – CM Punk
6/21/23 – Adam Cole/MJF
6/23/23 – Anthony Bowens
6/24/23 – Powerhouse Hobbs
6/25/23 – Will Ospreay
6/28/23 – Keith Lee
7/1/23 – Andrade
7/5/23 – Adam Cole/MJF
7/7/23 – Daniel Garcia
7/8/23 – Samoa Joe
7/12/23 – Jack Perry
7/17/23 – Ricky Starks
7/19/23 – MJF and Adam Cole
7/22/23 – Ricky Starks
7/26/23 – Jeff Hardy
7/31/23 – Samoa Joe
8/2/23 – Swerve
8/4/23 – Kris Statlander
8/5/23 – Christian Cage
8/9/23 – MJF and Adam Cole
8/11/23 – Orange Cassidy
8/12/23 – Ricky Starks
8/16/23 – MJF and Adam Cole
8/18/23 – Ruby Soho
8/19/23 – Toni Storm