IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #448
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Thoughts on AEW: Dynamite – September 13th, 2023
1. First of all, thank you to everyone who reached out to me recently, including those who wished me a happy birthday yesterday. Every birthday I’ve had since 2001 has been better than my 16th birthday being after 9/11, so thank you for the kind words. Also shout-out to my longtime friend Monica, who just messaged me out of the blue today because she got into wrestling and had to tell me. Speaking of friends, the WrestleDream column will have a special guest collaborator, and I’m looking forward to doing my first one of those in years.
2. We start off with the International title banger spot and Jon Moxley. After my Cleveland Browns didn’t shit the bed for once, I’m happy to enjoy a little Cincinnati sports here. Big Bill coming out to Ricky’s theme for a match is definitely a thing that’s happening right now.
3. I didn’t realize Mox was so pale, but next to Bill who I think just left the tanning bed to be here tonight, it’s an odd contrast.
4. Before the first commercial break, we’ve got Jon Moxley busted open. And why do we have that? Because it’s a day.
5. Ricky Starks mimicking Big Bill’s moves from the outside is Damien Mizdow energy and I am here for it.
6. I just hope this show doesn’t have a dark cloud hanging over it like the last one did at the end.
7. Mox doesn’t poke, there’s already a ton of blood on the mat. With anyone else, this might be at least slightly disconcerting, but here we are.
8. Ohai, Bryan Danielson! Good to see the BCC remembered that you exist, so you’re kindly returning that favor for the moment since Mox came to fail saving the day on Saturday. I’m guessing Claudio was too busy making Yuta say “thank you, may I have another?” at the time of the newest BCC attempted induction that didn’t go well. Since someone else bled with them recently, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see how OC could Mutual Respect his way in there too.
9. Mox retains through submission, though Bill was the one up and walking around first. Ricky takes off his shoes to beat Mox with them. Who does he think he is, Toni Storm?
10. Ohai Claudio, good to see you this time. Claudio lifts Bill, but is nice enough to get near the ropes. Starks chews his pearl necklace menacingly, which is a sentence I just wrote. Is it considered “clutching your pearls” if you’re chewing them?
11. Mox already has another title match booked for next week. He’s a true successor to the reign of Orange Cassidy: Fighting Champion.
12. Renee is backstage with Roddy and the gang, but it’s an AEW interview, so of course it gets interrupted. They do the “now you care about my neck health” which would be funny if they hadn’t just done that last week, but it’s fine. Get back to the delightful adventures where you fight a grizzly bear statue in a Bass Pro or something, AC.
13. We are back to the fast pace, and since Grand Slam is next week and WrestleDream follows shortly after, we once again have to be. Before we know it, we’re recapping Takeshita’s wins over Omega, and now Tony is already in the ring with an ominous hidden painting. That means it’s Brown Note Centaur Hour!
14. Well, I’m reasonably certain Sting couldn’t be hiding under that curtain, but it is wrestling and I’ve seen stranger things happen.
15. Callis takes a cue from Christian and claims partial credit for the wins over Omega. I know that they use “ace” as a term and explain what it means, but all I can picture is Takeshita in a Red Baron cosplay now. But oh no, he’s the Alpha now. Okay then, where’s Monty Brown with a POOOOOOOOOUNCE when you need him?
16. They reveal the painting to show that they’re going after Kota Ibushi next. They revealed another target before adding to their “family” still, so hopefully that’ll balance out soon.
17. Callis says more gross things and then stabs a painting with a screwdriver because reasons. Takeshita then shoves a bouquet at Tony amidst the streamers. That segment happened.
18. Now backstage with the BCC minus Yuta, and they make a few challenges. Oh they wait for Claudio to say something to interrupt after one sentence because Danielson has RESPECK. Eddie also comes by in an A’s jersey for some reason to give the slashfic writers more visual stimuli. Having a follow-up match at Collision now isn’t nearly as exciting as it once was, since most of what made the shows distinct has more or less eroded, but fine. That’ll be fun.
19. Now Renee is interviewing Hook, so who is going to interrupt before he says a word? Why, it’s bandaged OC who is bitter about not being hurt or a champion. Hook compliments him and says he was a great champion. It’s sweet. They follow up on a previous joke and OC says he’s still just so tired. I love OC, and the more certain fans bitch and complain about him, the more I love him.
20. Toni Storm comes out to the Outcasts theme now? Okay… Did she take it because Saraya and Ruby have their own? I thought she might have some Golden Era Hollywood glitz. It’s old enough to be copyright-free after all. Not JP’s theme old, but old enough.
21. Adding Nyla Rose to the mix, even though she has no chance in hell of winning, always makes the match a little bit better. Britt Baker is also here in a rival AFC North city, so I don’t expect as kind of a reaction as she usually gets. Cue commentators calling it “Bizarro” instead of what it is… oh JBL she went to Penn State too? Talk about the bane of my existence growing up in central PA and being from Cleveland. Penn State on Saturdays, Steelers on Sundays. Now at least out here, the Viking fans are almost as sad as we are, so there’s very little trashtalking to deal with.
22. Toni refuses to get in the ring untilt here’s a chance to gloat, because she is Golden Era Yas Queening her way through this amazing gimmick. The match is relatively uneventful except for Toni HAMming it up.
23. Toni steals a win to a huge pop. It’s yet another match that ends with a JBLdamn surprise roll-up, but it means Toni Storm won a match, so I’m fine with it. It’s fitting for the character. Things continue to fall out with Britt and Shida, which is probably going somewhere just like the Outcasts/Originals feud.
24. Meanwhile, Renee and her leather top are interviewing Saraya and non-neon Ruby Soho. I feel like Toni isn’t going to win, which will further contribute to her glorious madness, thus more shoes being thrown, but AEW does also tend to hotshot things sometimes, so who knows?
25. Jericho and Sammy are out next. Sammy is very, very red. Can’t wait to see how this entire segment goes one direction, only for it to strangely divert at the end.
26. They’re facing each other next week, because that’s the way this match should’ve been built up, right? They’re really going for that Triple B reaction, complete with sappy montage, aren’t they? It’s okay, I’m sure he invented that.
27. Jericho recaps their story, because he totally isn’t going for the Festival of Friendship reversal eventually. What is this, a roast?
28. Finally, Sammy gets to the point and talks about getting into wrestling to be more than a sidekick. Maybe back where he was in the Pillars feud? Hopefully not two steps forward and three back.
29. The pushover point is that Jericho thinks he’s not ready to beat him yet, so here comes the fire left off from right before they’re all like wait, let’s team up and be champions. Why they had that in between, I don’t know. Oh, now they mentioned the tag team titles again. Just have a fight already.
30. Jericho goes monotone, so you know he’s serious. Why they’re mixing in the “we should also be tag champions lol” thing is beyond me, but at least it’s over. I’m trying my hardest to care, I swear it.
31. Renee is… I mean was… backstage with MJF, who is thrilled he’s not cleared because he gets a week off. There’s the schmuck we all know and love. MJF rants while Adam Cole is either looking concerned and conflicted, or trying his hardest not to corpse. Speaking of trying not to corpse, hi Renee.
32. Weird jump cut between MJF threatening to choke Samoa Joe out, and… HAM over, MJF is doing the Steiner math promo. They’re both trying so hard not to laugh, and it’s not working. Taz follows up saying the math is straight out of the University of Xichigan, subtle as the original reference.
33. Hangman against Brian Cage next, and we get an inset recap of their previous encounters. Technically a rubber match, so I bet Brian Cage has a fighting chance. It’s headed toward Swerve vs. Hangman, hopefully at WrestleDream because I want Swerve to have that hometown pop again.
34. That’s a hell of a mini Cody-esque bruise on Hangman’s chest, damn. Cincinnati is just not a good place for him.
35. Swerve’s music hits, and as we know, that is the most distracting thing in the history of anything, so Hangman is firmly distracted by such events. Just in time for another commercial break that I don’t have to see, how dreadfully convenient.
36. Prince Nana is a regular HAM himself, dancing to Swerve’s music back there.
37. “Brian Cage, he just gets bigger by the minute.” Thanks, Taz. Aww, every day when we wakes up, he’s a little taller! I never knew Brian Cage was the awkward middle kid from the first two Beethoven movies! The stuff you hear in PiP.
38. Is Squintz from the Sandlot in the front row? If he isn’t. he should be. Someday the Great HAMbino will make his AEW debut.
39. Hangman counters a bicep curl with a crucifix bomb, and Cage rolls the entire long way out of the ring like he’s Orange Cassidy in a Pac match. I don’t know why it looked so silly, but it did.
40. “Deadeye Jones!” Hangman wins with the Deadeye (Jones), despite Swerve staring ominously for ten minutes. I’m so shocked, this one could’ve gone either way, supposedly.
41. Hangman takes the mic and the crowd quiets down politely. I guess these are fighting words, or so Swerve seems to think.
42. Swerve so casually works in a local education system reference. At least it’s better than the local sports team insult. Swerve officially challenges him for WrestleDream, right on. Brian Cage “tunes him up” which is code for attacking him from behind as Nana does his Swerve dance. The Young Bucks make the save, and like it’s 2000 and they’ve just been given Yellow Oakleys, they dance along until Nana notices, which is a surprisingly long time.
43. “Once again” heading to Renee, and hey, Daniel Garcia interrupts the question before someone interrupts him. Garcia in his hangover glasses brags about how the Arizona Cardinals used his dance as a sack celebration, but hey… Just because you interrupted a question doesn’t mean you won’t get interrupted yourself. Callis goes on his sales pitch, and Garcia responds with the pelvic thrust, which as we know, will really drive you insane.
44. The return of Jade Cargill is shown next, which might get an extra pop in Cincy given who her partner is, and the epic rematch is taking place on… Rampage. Of course it is.
45. Despite everything, Nick Wayne is still teaming with Darby Allin, for now anyway. They’re facing the former 2.0, whose music sounds like the 80s remix of Darby’s theme. I’m sure they have a chance against the team with an actual storyline going on.
46. About eight seconds into the match, the real star of the feud appears. Maybe Christian heard Daddy Magic was in danger and came to get a jump start on some new potential material.
47. Darby got the win for the team to no surprise and to Christian’s disdain. This show has such filler vibes, but things are about to get better because Christian has a mic.
48. Speaking of Daddy Magic, Christian is getting his magic on with Nicky’s mom. Cause she’s got it going on, or so I hear. The camera makes a lot of weird zooms back and forth as Christian makes a challenge for Darby and Sting vs. Christian and Luchasaurus. Nick Wayne is also there, I guess.
49. Time for the main event, and likely the best part of the show by a significant degree, Roderick against Joe. Who wins? Well, Roddy has the angle with Adam, Joe has the angle with MJF, so I imagine Joe will be getting the shot. I’m surprised it won’t be built up longer, but I’m not gonna complain. The heat with Roddy has been developed with MJF much longer.
50. It’s also a rematch of their Owen Hart tourney match, the one where the whole neck injury angle started. Feels like a lifetime ago, given how much has happened.
51. Taz’s analysis of Roddy being a “hype of a chondriac” and why he might wear a neckbrace without needing one is commentary gold.
52. This is one of the more effective examples of a heel vs. heel match, because despite Joe’s status as a heel against MJF, people are gonna cheer and chant for Joe against pretty much anyone else no matter what, so it works.
53. Joe taps to the Clutch, so we’ve got MJF vs. Samoa Joe next week. That’ll be fun, though I doubt Joe will have a chance in hell. I’m guessing next, Roddy will complain that Adam Cole let Joe go after his neck or something.
54. Joe taunts MJF in some glorious HAM. He sounds like a Shakespeare villain, and I love it.
55. We hold on that shot of Joe leaving for an awfully long time, something else is going down. Roddy sees Adam, and then suddenly starts selling his neck while the Kingdom blames it on him. They bring out the gurney and everything, wow. Where’s Mark Sterling to be an ambulance chaser?
56. This was… not the strongest Dynamite, but it’s stuck being a week before Grand Slam, a few weeks before WrestleDream, and a few weeks after All In/Out, so it was bound to be. The Kingdom selling the obvious fake injury like it’s legit is hysterical, and there’s even a sarcastic clap as they take him away. Adam keeps trying to get to Roddy while the Kingdom hold him off. Arguing, so much arguing.
57. Joe sneaks up behind Cole and chokes him out. This gets a huge cheer, so that’s something. We get another rundown of the card because…. ::checks:: Yep, we did end a few minutes early. But, much like a train getting to station early, gotta leave on time regardless.
58. This show feels like a TV show back when they used to be in allotments of 22-26. There’d be a super intense episode with a big dramatic twist or perhaps a tearjerker ending, or maybe something super awesome, but then the next episode is like, welp, C-level character has a wacky mishap, how will the hero solve this minor inconvenience? Smallville was famous for these, following up like holy shit it’s Christopher Reeve! But next week, Clark’s gotta deal with an embarrassing zit before the big dance, and because zits are allergic to Kryptonite in different ways, they spew gravy like science fair volcanoes, so he can’t get near Lana during these wacky shenanigans! This episode of Dynamite is the wacky zit gravy volcano edition between the big milestone shows.
I wrote this in even before the show ended. No way MJF wasn’t winning this one.
1/4/23 – The Gunns
1/11/23 – Daddy Magic
1/13/23 – Danhausen
1/18/23 – Sonjay Dutt
1/20/23 – Stokely Hathaway
1/25/23 – Tony Schiavone
1/27/23 – Danhausen
2/1/23 – Jade Cargill
2/3/23 – Ethan Page
2/8/23 – MJF
2/10/23 – STIIIIIIING
2/15/23 – Ruby Soho
2/17/23 – Dustin Rhodes
2/22/23 – Chris Jericho
2/24/23 – Matt Hardy
3/1/23 – Big Bill
3/3/23 – Jungle Boy
3/5/23 – MJF
3/8/23 – Anthony Bowens
3/10/23 – Riho
3/15/23 – MJF/Darby Allin/Jungle Boy/Sammy Guevara
3/22/23 – STIIIIIING
3/29/23 – Juice Robinson
3/31/23 – Eddie Kingston
4/5/23 – MJF
4/7/23 – Darby Allin/Julia Hart
4/12/23 – STIIIIIIIIING
4/14/23 – 2.0/Biff Hager
4/19/23 – Sammy Guevara
4/26/23 – MJF
5/3/23 – Triple J/Mark Briscoe
5/5/23 – The Firm Deletion – All of it
5/10/23 – Chuck Taylor and Trent Baretta
5/17/23 – Toni Storm
5/24/23 – Jay White
5/28/23 – Darby Allin
5/31/23 – Juice Robinson
6/7/23 – MJF
6/9/23 – Ethan Page
6/14/23 – The cardboard cutout of Saraya
6/17/23 – CM Punk
6/21/23 – Adam Cole/MJF
6/23/23 – Anthony Bowens
6/24/23 – Powerhouse Hobbs
6/25/23 – Will Ospreay
6/28/23 – Keith Lee
7/1/23 – Andrade
7/5/23 – Adam Cole/MJF
7/7/23 – Daniel Garcia
7/8/23 – Samoa Joe
7/12/23 – Jack Perry
7/17/23 – Ricky Starks
7/19/23 – MJF and Adam Cole
7/22/23 – Ricky Starks
7/26/23 – Jeff Hardy
7/31/23 – Samoa Joe
8/2/23 – Swerve
8/4/23 – Kris Statlander
8/5/23 – Christian Cage
8/9/23 – MJF and Adam Cole
8/11/23 – Orange Cassidy
8/12/23 – Ricky Starks
8/16/23 – MJF and Adam Cole
8/18/23 – Ruby Soho
8/19/23 – Toni Storm
8/23/23 – Billy Gunn
8/25/23 – Kris Statlander
8/26/23 – Eddie Kingston
8/27/23 – Nigel McGuinness
8/31/23 – Toni Storm
9/1/23 – Claudio Castagnoli
9/3/23 – Samoa Joe
9/6/23 – Roderick Strong
9/9/23 – Cardblade
9/13/23 – MJF