IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #469
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Thoughts on AEW: Big Business 2024
1. Gee, I wonder who could be the big debut tonight? They’ve been so subtle about it recently. The double dollar signs in the advertisements…
2. A Mercedes pulled up, in case we didn’t know who’s going to open the show. Obviously it’s… Lionhook… We can’t get Hookhausen back, but we get that shit?
3. Okay, I know it was telegraphed a mile away, but it’s still amazing. They’ve even got a nice theme that makes it easily chantable. And that hair, ooh that hair.
4. She’s home, and you know what that means… Maybe there will be more than one women’s match on Wednesday nights occasionally.
5. She talks about how much wrestling means to her… also to Mia. I’m glad one-third of Pras’s “Ghetto Supastar” is also feeling the love. Another namedrop of Eddie Guerrero too.
6. I’ve said it before, but I’m so grateful we’re in the era where wrestling companies don’t have to pretend that other wrestling doesn’t exist.
7. That is the power of Mercedes Mone, she got people to boo Willow. I didn’t know that was possible.
8. We’ve officially said hello to the new CEO. At least it’s better than CFO$, if nothing else. Now, number four but again.
9. That outfit is much sparkle, maybe even three times over sparkle.
10. Back to Renee with a badass vest and two tickets to the gun show. Joe recalls WarJoe, back in the days before Lionhook was the dread of all the ring.
11. Thanks to the floral chair bringing us into slo-mo Chuggs, the Undisputed Kingdom is still actually a thing. They haven’t been Firmed just yet.
12. If they didn’t shell out to get some Two Steps From Hell for this vignette, they should’ve. It’s also literally Storytime with Adam Cole. I miss the skits with MJF.
13. The crowd ain’t just hot for Mercedes, the real ones showed up tonight and the rest didn’t get the pun. Joe defies crowd disposition.
14. This show has already used the word “big” more times than a documentary of all Paul Wight’s heel/face turns.
15. Wardlow’s pissed and attacks immediately, probably still mad that he’s back to trying to grow his own Hook hair thanks to Joe. Back when Joe cut his hair off and we only found out afterward why that actually mattered, anyway.
16. I love the new Dynamite aesthetic, but I hate the new theme.
17. We’re going straight indy show heat tonight, Wardlow’s tearing up signs.
18. Someone in the front row said they paid to see Sammy. I got some bad news for ya, Palmer. That ain’t Sammy. (Shoutout to the other eight people who saw Bushwhacked.)
19. Wardlow hit the Whisper in the Wind, but unfortunately it looks like Joe got hit hard in the face. That’s gonna leave a mark.
20. The Meat Chanters are back in full force!
21. Joe’s still clutching his head, and Wardlow joins the infamous Who’s the Men club (h/t Kefin Mahon.)
22. People are using the letters from their Mone signs to just say no now. 2011 Daniel Bryan is freaking out already.
23. The NO walkaway fails as Wardlow waits for it. Someone had to do it eventually.
24. Seeing an Atomic Drop just reminds me of the time I saw a match at a very smalltown indy show end with an Atomic Wedgie.
25. “The ref didn’t see the eye gouge,” they say as he’s looking right at it happening.
26. Wardlow hits a powerbomb, which makes him summon his inner Toni Storm. Chin up, tits out, and watch for the Symphony. Unfortunately for Wardlow, he goes right into the Coquina Clutch, and Joe retains. Adam Cole falls short in another title contest.
27. Here comes Swerve to remind us how bad AEW security really is. He barges into the ring like it’s Hangman’s house (which, also, is Swerve’s House weirdly enough), one-on-one rematch likely imminent. One of the security team gets kicked off the stage and ragdolls it like he’s an extra in Postal 2. That’s a HAM contender right there.
28. New camera angle alert, the new Elite is coming down an escalator. If you weren’t aware that the Jacksons were trying to be douchebags, they’ve brought in a Trillby and a windowpane jacket. They’re gonna make them sing Happy Birthday to Matthew, which ranks right around the Awkward Levels of a surprise restaurant serenade for a piece of cake that was frozen eight minutes ago.
29. I’ve been sick for the better part of two weeks, but I wanted to make sure I got something in. I appreciate your patience.
30. Are we getting a magic trick from Matthew the Magnificent? Nope, it’s a coin drop for Okada. That’s good, a magic trick won’t get him a second date with Jen Barber.
31. Penta stole the fire on the screen from Joe earlier, that’s pyro infringement!
32. I’ve heard that PAC has sort of a Smeagol gimmick going from his return vignette, but given how he was barking up at Okada, he seems a little more Scrappy.
33. Damn, this crowd is just reacting for everything, I love it.
34. Okada tags out instead of facing Eddie, which is the opposite of what he did on Saturday. I suppose it’s easier when you’re facing unmasked Serpentico.
35. PAC is so badass, to feel like a big deal with a recently-signed Okada debuting less than a week before his return. He looks more cut than ever too. How nice though, Penta color-coordinated with one of the Jacksons and PAC with the other. Not quite as bad as the Winnipeg triple triple threat, but close.
36. I think Penta just kicked him in the taint. The grundle. The fleshy fun bridge.
37. Did they seriously just compare Okada to Sparky Plugg?
38. Taz trying to get his Botchamania segment while talking some shit on Boston during the break. A New Yorker making fun of Boston, there’s something you don’t see everyday.
39. I don’t know if PAC has “the best” German Suplex in the game, but it feels like the quickest. I’d say it’s my favorite, but those ones that Takeshita has been throwing lately are something else.
40. Holy shit, PAC just got fucked by getting slammed right onto his face. JBLdamn, that looked even worse than Joe getting hit in the face earlier. Okada wins after a low blow and a Rainmaker, but all I can think of is if PAC’s okay.
41. We’re getting Will Ospreay vs. Bryan Danielson, is this real life?
42. Ospreay talks into the turnbuckle cam, not that we see any of it from that camera. Holy shit these reactions tonight…
43. Face Ospreay is the only wrestler in the company happier than Willow Nightingale.
44. Restore the feeling? Will is the feeling! But is he the table? The world may never know.
45. Another Sammy sign from the same place? Goodness, someone has the big sads.
46. Bracketology? Oh, look at the time, March already. Is there gonna be a basketball match?
47. Deonna says Toni needs to watch for the shoe because it’s headed… Well, I mean, can you watch it while it’s headed there?
48. Jay White’s new theme slaps harder than it has any right to.
49. The guy who dove through a glass plate from sixteen feet up and who will apparently climb Everest for reasons comes out very well hooded. New look underneath? No, just Darby but with unveiled face at first. Then he does the Raven corner crouch. Get as many moments in as you can before you do a Coffin Drop at the summit, I get it.
50. This guy’s gonna take bumps after he cut every inch of his back a few days ago. I can’t even with this.
51. Is Darby just made of Flubber and regret? I don’t know what other explanation there can be.
52. Taz compares Darby to Spike Dudley, and that would explain a lot. As long as he never goes Super Indy VI on us, the comparison is apt.
53. Chops to the back. Chops to the back. I have no words.
54. I’ve got all the time for the level of HAM it takes for Jay White to do a Sting impression though.
55. A ropes suplex countered into the Scorpion Death Drop. Unfortunately it gets a rope break. I do like how he’s incorporating Sting moves though.
56. Darby just tried to do a Coffin Drop off the ring apron and hit empty. That’s about the eighth nasty bump that would look terrible even without his back looking like it lost a fight with a cheese grater.
57. He gets back in the ring and walks right into the Blade Runner. Off to Everest you go, and I’m sure some of those moves will make that easier.
58. Okay, the third different Sammy sign, we get it.
59. Jay White offers a hand of respect to Darby, but then somehow doesn’t see it coming that it’s a trap. What a guy. Does this mean the split of the Scissor gang? This does not seem like Acclaimed-tolerated business here.
60. Speaking of whom, there they are. Well at least they got some t-shirts out of it.
61. “They’ve had this alliance for a long time here.” What, like three weeks?
62. They steel chaired Billy Gunn, and the Acclaimed just drop Darby. All that time they shared together, there was like a match and… that other match they had. Thanks for the memory.
63. The BCG get out and throw Darby back in the ring again, because this is what it takes to write off mini-Sting to go climb giant rock. Just please don’t go into the Death Zone without supplemental oxygen, I don’t want to hear a Scary Interesting podcast about this.
64. Lionhook makes me yearn for the good ol’ days of QTV.
65. Kyle O’Reilly still looks like he has such sad eyes. I’m so glad he gets to wrestle again.
66. Roddy did the thing again. They wish him luck, I’m sure nothing will go wrong.
67. Time for the main event, and a bonus wardrobe HAM for Stat’s getup.
68. I’m really tired, but I’m doing my best to make it to the end.
69. I’m just not sure how. Riho gets a Northern Lights Suplex on Willow, that was damn impressive.
70. So Okada is winning the Continental title next week, especially since they made sure to specify it’s just that title. Okay then.
71. Willow pulls down the straps, and it goes much better than the previous strapper-downer.
72. The lights go out, and Skye attacks from behind while someone holds up their kink on a sign. Shoot your shot, friend.
73. Willow has a friend we saw earlier, but Mone capstones the show and she punches Skye right in the fuck and faces off with Julia. It doesn’t go well for Julia either, but it’s gonna lead to the Mercedes/Willow face… off.
74. This show brought energy. Along with last week’s Dynamite and Collision, they’ve really kept up going strong since Revolution. Minus one portion of the show anyway.
LARGE HAM
Jay White earned it several times over for the Sting impression alone, let alone everything else.