NWA Carnyland Report 6/16/20
June 16, 2020
Atlanta, Georgia
You can follow me on Twitter @TheHootsPodcast
Transcription by Josh Lopez
NWA Carnyland – Episode 4 – “A Leaked Tape Ruins Everything … Brother” – Narrated by Joe Galli & Stu Bennett
– If you’d like to vote for the Mayor of Carnyland, please make sure you become a citizen. Polls open next Tuesday at 7:00pm ET for the primary election. The top two vote-getters will then face off in the general election. Use your voice for change in Carnyland.
Eli Drake Promo
The one thing that you can do, universally, in a big way that helps everything, because if you stand by silent and stagnant, it does nothing. You got to speak your mind. You got to speak up for yourself. Some people can’t do that. Some people haven’t quite gotten the courage to do that. So, I’m gonna tell you something, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re looking right now at a guy who cannot stop speaking his mind. I’ve spoken my mind, so much that it’s been to my detriment. I’ve lost jobs over speaking my mind. It’s worked against me sometimes. But you know what? It’s also worked for me, a lot.
But whether it’s worked for me, whether it’s worked against me, I can go home every single night, I can look myself in the mirror, and I can rest, easy. Knowing that I was me, knowing that i’ve always been, me, because I’ve always spoken up for myself. Spoken up for others, spoken up when it needed to be spoke. You want to talk about change in the wrestling business, you want to talk about in the world, now, you want to talk about change in creating a world in Carnyland that we love. And if you want that kind of a leader, and you want somebody who’s gonna speak up, who can’t stop speaking his mind. Let’s say you can’t speak your mind for one reason or another. Let’s say you haven’t quite build on that courage. Well, guess what? Who’s gonna speak up for you? I think I heard you at home saying my name. Here’s the thing, man, whoever drops out, I’m sorry, I feel bad for you, but guess what?
I’m moving on, we’re moving forward, and there’s one guy, one guy who can make this place better than you could ever imagine. Champion in the ring or not, I will be champion for Carnyland, I will be a champion for the people of Carnyland, and i’ll tell you why. Because I can’t stop speaking my mind. And when you speak your mind, you create real change, you upset the applecart, and suddenly, things starts to adjust a bit. As the old saying goes, you talk the talk, then you got to walk the walk. Well, guess what? There’s only one guy doing that, and it’s me. So, here’s what i’m doing, i’m saying, hey, man, if you want to speak your mind, speak your mind and give your vote to the one and only man who’s gonna give you the change that you want, and that’s ELI Drake! Welcome to Carnyland.
Carnyland Breaking News
Joe Galli: I can now confirm Stu Bennett’s time travel report from last week. Today, someone who’s running for the Mayor of Carnyland, will be dropping out. I’m stationed right here, this is the very spot where Stu Bennett gave that exclusive, monumental report. And much like everyone else in the media, I have to give proper source credit for this information. And then of course, it’s coming from my good friend, Stu Bennett, who’s always impeccably dressed and is much taller than me.
Stu Bennett: Okay, I must admit, that was a Joe Galli hologram. Pretty lifelike, right? You see, I had the whole to week to figure out how to use my time machine. And, well, I went into the future, and I figured out a lot of things, including, holograms. I did also get a pretty grim look into what is coming. And, well, the entire future of not only Carnyland, but the free world, depends on this very election.
Joe Galli: Stu, weird question, did I just hear my voice?
Stu Bennett: No, Galli, it’s not always about you. Oh, and if I was you, I wouldn’t finish that coffee, trust me.
Nick Aldis AD
Danny Deals: If you want to get ahead of life, get yourself double d’s. Danny Deals, that’s right, your political Papa, the strategical savant, and i’m telling all of you to vote for Nick Aldis. He’s as honest as me.
Spokesman: This message was brought to you by the friends of Strictly Business.
Nick Aldis: Vote Strictly Business. Vote Nick Aldis. A vote for Aldis, is a vote for integrity. The most important quality needed in a leader is, trust. And who else has proven, time and time, again, that you can trust them in the leadership role? And I promise you, 100%, without any doubt, whatsoever, that you can trust me and my team. So vote Nick Aldis for Mayor Of Carnyland 2020.
Episode 2 Of Talking The Time With The Question Mark?
Ester Addington Segment
Ester Addington: I just love me a cup of tea. Hi, I’m Ester Addington. Now, let me say this, and when I say that, I mean, i’m about to say something to y’all. Now, doesn’t that make sense? And isn’t that what we need more of in this world, sense. Doesn’t that bring you comfort? Comfort like niemals apple pie, won’t you take a piece? I’m just like all y’all, when you see me, you see yourself. And you know that you deserve the best, like a fancy new feather in your head, and i’ve got plenty of feathers to go around. And that’s why you should vote for me for Mayor of Carnyland. Because remember, if you want the bester, go with Ester.
Joe Galli: We’re now here with Allysin Kay. Allysin, would you like to address the rumors that you might be the person who’s dropping out of the Mayoral Race for Carnyland?
Allysin Kay: You know, I didn’t know if this was the right path for me at first. But then I realized, the citizens of Carnyland needs someone who’s gonna have their back, they need someone who’s gonna fight for them. I will fight for them, literally. I will come to your job. Is your boss treating you unfairly? PowerBomb through the desk. Is your landlord scamming you? Yeet, through the window. I will go into the streets, right now, and start cracking skulls, for justice. So, long story short, no, i’m not dropping out of the race.
Joe Galli: Okay, do you have any comments regarding the candidate that you seem to have a mysterious past with? What’s the story behind you and Ester Addington?
Allysin Kay: Look, Joe, I don’t know how to do this political vague statement that avoids the actual question thing, so I don’t know how else to say this. Ester Addington is a piece of shit. I know you can all see it, too. She talks in circcles, but she distracts you by putting on a smile, and pouring you a cup of tea.
Joe Galli: Have you thought about smiling for your campaign?
Allysin Kay: You know what? My connection just started acting up. I’ll catch up with you later.
Joe Galli: Well, there you have it. Allysin Kay still in the race for Mayor of Carnyland.
Tim Storm’s Carnyland History Lesson
Tim Storm: Welcome to Professor Storm’s History Class. With all the things that are going on in the Mayoral Race in Carnyland, i’ve done a little research on the political careers that have ended in scandal. And spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen the play or heard the musical, but Alexander Hamilton has an affair. It becomes known as The Reynolds Affair, and he’s called to the carpet by the President of The United States. They believe he’s stolen money from the treasury. You know, this is Carnyland, and the reality is, he’s not stealing money from the treasury, he’s paying off the woman’s husband so that he doesn’t say anything to ruin his political career. If we could move forward a little bit, a little more modern, Senator Larry Craig.
Now, who thought going to an airport bathroom is going to get you in trouble? But I guess it kind of depends on why you’re going to the airport bathroom, right? His defense, because he gets caught in a sting, a sex sting is that he uses a wide stance, and that’s why his foot was underneath the stall, but it completely ruins any kind of political aspirations that he has going forward. Now, the last one, Anthony Weiner, yes, I said Weiner. and apparently so does Anthony in a lot of text. And what ends up happening, okay, once again he accidentally sends a picture of his Anthony Weiner and then it turns out to be a pattern of Weiner abuse. Again, the mans name is Weiner, okay? All right, so as we finish off. Yes Marti, you can ask a question.
Marti Belle: Professor Storm, have you considered running for Mayor?
Tim Storm: Yeah, I thought about it. You know, I talked to my mom about running for Mayor, and she said I obviously could do a good job at whatever I want, but I haven’t made a decision on that.
– Zicky Dice & Thunder Rosa Vignette.
Aron Stevens AD
Hello Carnies, my name is Aron Stevens, and i’m running for Mayor of Carnyland. Right here, I have five promises that I insure will be executed upon my election. Let’s get started, shall we.
1.) I will remove all riffraff and vagabonds from Carnyland. You know who you are, so start packing.
2.) I will provide footage that is actually entertaining, as well as enlightening.
3.) I promise to always look this good in a suit, always.
4.) I promise to institue a mandatory karate program to all citizens of Carnyland. Everyone will be trained.
5.) I promise to actually keep those four promises. Thank you for your vote, you’re welcome.
Joe Galli & Stu Bennett Segment
Stu Bennett: Galli, I have an honest to go time machine. I saw all of the trends coming.
Joe Galli: You know, Stu, I do believe you on the time machine, you’re a regular Doc Brown, Great Scot, all that jazz, but I really don’t know if I can trust you.
Stu Bennett: Galli, please trust me. Everyone will have mohawks after the upcoming election. It makes me jealous that i’m just a floating circle and I can’t have one. But i’m telling you, all of the babes will love you in a mohawk.
Joe Galli: No dice, Stu, I gotta stick with my look. Remember, i’m a professional newsman and a great wrestling commentator.
Stu Bennett: Holographic Galli was so much easier to produce.
NICK ALDIS PRESS CONFERENCE
Good evening. It has recently come to my attention, that a member of my campaign team has accepted campaign contributions from a notorious wealthy family in Texas, who’s values and beliefs do not align with mine or with the values and beliefs of the Strictly Business Party. He has also promised my support to a number of invitations that I find, repugnant and abhorrent. And is with these facts in mind, that I have no choice but to step down as Mayor Candidate for Carnyland 2020. These people have sullied the good name of the great state of Texas, and I will not allow them to sully the good name of Carnyland or its citizens.
But it does not mean that the Strictly Business Party will not still be in the mayoral race for Carnyland 2020. What it does mean, is that I am personally going to fund a replacement candidate. Somebody who represents the greatest qualities of the great state of Texas, and who I believe will represent the greatest qualities of not only Carnyland, but its citizens, and the Strictly Business Party. So, as of this moment, the Strictly Business Party is declaring, Tim Storm, as the mayoral candidate for Carnyland 2020. Thank you very much, no questions at this time.
Checkout Episode 209 of The Hoots Podcast