NWA Carnyland Report 6/9/20
June 9, 2020
Atlanta, Georgia
You can follow me on Twitter @TheHootsPodcast
Transcription by Josh Lopez
NWA Carnyland – Episode 3 – “A Mayor Is You … Maybe?” – Narrated by Joe Galli & Stu Bennett
Eddie Kingston Promo
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s 2020, stop with the racism already. No black man or woman or child should fear for their lives everyday in their own country just because of the color of their skin. Let it go. Stop,you’re wrong. There’s nothing else to it. We’re all human beings. We all bleed, we all die, we all laugh, and we all cry. I understand anger. I will never understand the anger that all African Americans are feeling right now, I will never understand that. I’m not gonna sit here and act like I do. But I know anger. I was born angry, and I lived angry for many years. And all it did was eat me up inside, and I never won anything. I used to throw up after every fight because I was filled with anger. I would fight a kid in the streets, next thing you know, you see me down the block throwing up.
Who’s hurting, I am because of my anger and my hatred. I know about hatred. And all that did was hurt me, and the ones I loved. Until I found something that I enjoyed, and entertains me, that let’s me go for at least a day without anger and hatred, and that was pro wrestling. As a kid, I was watching Monday Night, I would wait for ECW to come on at two o’clock in the morning on MSG. And I wasn’t out in the street because I wanted to be entertained, I needed that one day. So, from this point forward, every single match I have, every promo, whatever I do in professional wrestling is now dedicated to all those families that have lost loved one because of racism, and every young black male and female who’s died because of racism, these are all dedicated to you.
INTRO
Stu Bennett: As you can see by the very heavy exposition graphic, we are one week in the future. Okay, not we, but me. See, being the narrator of Carnyland, I have some special powers, like making Galli disappear. And yes, apparently, I have the ability to time travel. So, here I am, one week into the future in Carnyland. And the media is assembled, not to hear the announcements of a candidate for Mayor.
In actuality, this press conference is to announce somebody stepping down from the Carnyland Mayor Race. So one of the people you meet on tonight’s Carnyland, will be out of the race, by this time, next week. You see, old scoops Gally wishes he could get information like this. But, there is one problem with this whole time traveling thing. See, I can’t actually go backwards, I’m stuck right here, until you catch up next week. I guess I’ll just go on social media to pass the time. Oh, good grief, what on earth is he posting now.
Strictly Business Segment
Nick Aldis: There he is, Roycey Boy, how you doing, my friend?
Royce Isaacs: Hey, what’s up guys?
Nick Aldis: As you know, one of us is gonna run for Mayor of Carnyland. We’ve already put together some killer ads. One for Tom, one for Kamille. Listen, I know you’re not here, and maybe you thought that might exclude you from some of this, but fear not, my friend, we have put together a custom made ad, just for you.
Royce Isaacs: For me?
Nick Aldis: And we’re gonna run it by the focus group, right now. But first, we wanted you to see it. Are you ready?
Royce Isaacs: Let’s see it.
Nick Aldis: Exciting.
Thomas Latimer: It’s wonderful.
Thomas Latimer AD
Thomas Latimer: Strictly Business is a change, you need.
Spokesman: When it comes to not only surviving, but succeeding in Carnyland, there is only one name you can trust.
Kamille: Tom Latimer, he will fight for you.
Thomas Latimer: It will be a legal requirement to wear fanny packs at all times, including intercourse.
Spokesman: When it comes to voting for Mayor of Carnyland, Vote Tom Latimer.
Thomas Latimer: Vote, Vote Now. I would vote for you.
Spokesman: This message was brought to you by the friends of Strictly Business.
Kamille AD
Spokesman: Leading this new Carnyland with power, change, and a future, you deserve.
Kamille: I’m change.
Spokesman: When the old guard would not step down, she knocked them down.
Kamille: They say, looks can kill. So vote Kamille or I will end all of you. Vote Strictly Business, Vote Kamille.
Spokesman: This message was brought to you by the friends of Strictly Business.
Royce Isaacs AD
Spokesman: When it comes to not only surviving, but succeeding in Carnyland, there’s only one name you could trust. Royce Isaacs, that’s right. When it comes to voting for Mayor or Carnyland, Vote Strictly Business, Vote Royce Isaacs or else.
Thomas Latimer: Well, what do you think buddy?
Kamille: Do you love it?
Nick Aldis: Money or what?
Royce Isaacs: Wow, I’m speechless, what can I say.
Nick Aldis: This you, boom, home run.
Kamille: And I know about that.
CARNYLAND BREAKING NEWS
Joe Galli: With my good friend Stu Bennett, thankfully stuck in the future this week, I’m pretty sure. Well. i’m glad i’ll be able to bring you my unbiased and fair reporting as it comes to the Carnyland Election. I would like to lay out how this election is going to work. We are now entering the primary phase, where the candidates will begin their campaigns, in the hopes to enter the final Mayoral Race. I guess Stu really is stuck in the future. Anyways, back to the election, the top two vote-getters will compete to be the first Mayor of Carnyland. I am here to announce that I will NOT be running, because the role of the media in this election is going to be very, very important. And what I do here in the media, it needs to be fair and impartial. That’s weird. Yes, I’m Joe Galli. A telegram? Who sends a telegram in 2020? That’s weird.
Dear Joe Galli,
No matter where I am, realize that i’m always going to point out that you are not fair and impartial.
Signed,
Futures Stu Bennett.
PS, you’re welcome.
ELI DRAKE AD
Let me talk to ya. Some of you came here, because you believe in shoes of a champion. Yet still, many others of you came here, because you believe also in shoes of a champion. Many of you came here because you believe in what Carnyland can be. I’m not from Carnyland, none of us are. As we’ve all journeyed here together, I’ve heard the call, and I realize it’s not an easy call to answer, mostly because the call comes from an unlisted number, and who’s got time for telemarketers. So, as I let that call go to voicemail, I then realized and pick up on my true call. And as a tag team champion, I feel a certain obligation to be a champion of the Carnyland.
You want a leader in Carnyland. Looking for strong hands, that can toss a jagaloon and give comfort and peace in the same way. You want someone to lead you, forthright, through the darkness, through all this confusion and craziness. I’m gonna ask you one question. You want this leader, you know what you from, you know what you believe in, what’s his name? I’ve heard the call, again and again, and that is why, right now, today, I am officially announcing my candidacy for Mayor of Carnyland. Thank you. Carnyland dreams and wishes to you all, good night.
ZICKY DICE AD
Hi, Atlanta’s Dice, here with a special message, not just to all my disciples out there, but all you carnelian aliens out there in Carnyland. When I got word that Carnyland was making a shift from an egalitarian communal village to having its first time ever Mayor, I’ll admit, I was sacred. I was confused. Why would anyone want to take on such responsibilities? It seems like a lot of work. But after some deep, deep soul searching, and consulting with the world’s finest consultants, at $16,000 an hour, I have decided that I’m gonna throw my fanny pack into the ring. Your NWA World’s Must See Television Champion, will become your first time ever, Carnyland Mayor. I know what you’re thinking, I know what’s running through your mind. How can I be a part of this?
How can I join the the movement? How can I belong? Well, I’m glad you asked. Bring a friend, Ziggy loves friends. Bring mayonnaise. Be able to lick your own back, with video proof. Write Zicky Dice a big old check with a lot of zeros on it. Property’s always a great investment. More friends. Zicky Dice isn’t picky, it doesn’t have to have a serial number. More Friends. How could you not want to get me? You wanna kiss these lips? I’m not a big scented candle guy, but I am a candle guy. They could be casual acquaintances, as long as their name. Earrings, Zicky Dice loves earrings. Seriously, minimum, 8. They do have the brand new Zicky Dice Television T-Shirt, nothing soothes and glides like Mayonnaise.
Talking The Time With The Question Mark?
Nick Aldis & Danny Deals Segment
JOCEPHUS AD
Jocephus here, just because i’m not part of the NWA, doesn’t mean I should run for Mayor of Carnyland. If you want me to run, take this advice. Do you have pen? Do you have paper? Write my name, sooner than later. Put my name, put my name, put my name on the ballot.
True Carnyland Stories With May Valentine
So, I have to admit, my life used to be a little before I met Royce in Los Angeles. I spent some time living in Sin City. Hopping from hotel to hotel, casino to casino, and partying with the biggest boy band of all time, that’s a whole other story that I can’t tell. The story I can tell, started on a Wednesday Night,at a hotel bar after one of the concerts. With my friend from Brazil, nearly crying about having to go back home. We were having tequila shots when she made a wish, “I wish I didn’t have to go home ever again” she said. And then, snap, we met a sharply dressed magician, who introduced himself to us as a resident magician at one of the hotels on the strip. We didn’t believe him at first, but he made dollar bills appear in our drinks .
We bought more shots and dared him to do something even bigger, he made a rabbit appear at the bar, we were having the time of our lives, when the magician suddenly asked my friend, will you marry me? We were shocked, I told my friend, “he can’t be serious.” All of a sudden, he had a ring and he dropped to his knee in front of her. I said, no way, my friend said, yes, the magician said, “let’s get married tonight, you can be my assistant in the show, and get cut in half on stage.” Every night, I asked. Before I could talk my friend out of this craziness, a limo was already waiting for us. Out popped, a clown, a pirate, and Elvis. And off we went, down the strip, with the magician, the clown, the pirate, Elvis, and the bride-to-be. I could not believe it. There was no reasoning with her, so I tried to talk to the magician. I told him, she snores, the man made earplugs appear. I told him, she will love a 90’s boy band more than she will love you, he began serenading her with each one of their songs.
I felt defeated. The night though went on, gloriously. We had dinner in a pyramid, dessert on top of the Eiffel Tower, and shots under a volcano. When we got to the chapel, we all got out of the limo to find out that it was closed. I was so relieved, my friend wasn’t going to make the biggest mistake of her life, but the magician insisted in having the wedding at 8 a.m. I told everyone we would meet them back there and have the most amazing wedding, ever. She passed out for two hours while I investigated the man online. She woke up to an alert from her bank, her credit card had been stolen and used to the limit. Her eight hour fiancee jacked her credit card during the night, he also wasn’t who he claimed to be, he had stolen the identity of a British Magician. Back to the chapel at 8 a.m. with some new characters, the Las Vegas Police. The lying magician was handcuffed on the spot, and taken into custody. I had saved my friend from a felon, but guys, please don’t tell Royce about any of this, okay? Because, what happens in Carnyland, stays in Carnyland.
THUNDER ROSA AD
When it comes to pro wrestling, the Thunder Rosa you see in the ring, is as real as it gets. You want a mayor who will fight for you. Vote For Thunder Rosa. I won’t say please, you will say, you’re welcome.
Episode 3 Of Mongrovia Unmasked
Aron Stevens: Hello, and welcome to another edition of Mongrovia Unmasked, I’m Aron Stevens. And today, we will be discussing Mongrovia Trade and Commerce. Now, look, i’m just gonna put this on front street, no one trades with Mongrovia, and Mongrovia don’t trade with no one, that’s just kind of the way it is. So, yeah, that’s out the window. However, this does not mean that Mongrovia hasn’t made some incredible contributions to the world, and is still contributing to the world as we know it, especially in the NWA. We are going to discuss Mongrovia’s greatest export, KARATE.
Martial Arts have been around for almost as long as time and antiquity, itself. None of which though have become more popular than karate. The Question Mark is considered one of the greatest practitioners of this art in the history of Mongrovia. Despite his young age, he has achieved both, a rank and title, reversed for people over the age of 55. The Question Mark has earned the rank of 10th Degree Black Belt in Mongrovian Karate. In the tradition of Mongrovia Karate, when one earns the rank of 10th Degree Black Belt, the simply don’t wear a belt because they have transcended any rank that this material world could possibly represent.
The techniques of Mongrovian Karate are so secretive, that not much is known by the outside world. As a matter of fact, the only non mongrel being to ever practice Mongrovian Karate, is the NWA 3rd Degree National Champion, Aron Stevens, who by the way, has earned the rank of 3rd Degree Black Belt, which was given to him personally by his SENSEI, The Question Mark. On behalf of myself, Aron Stevens, and the world’s greatest martial artist, The Question Mark, thank you for listening. And this has been this weeks edition of Mongrovia Unmasked.
ARON STEVENS AD
Good evening, my fellow carnies. As your NWA 3rd Degree National Champion, I have been conspicuous by my absence on Carnyland. But trust me, this is not without thought or premeditation. Over the course of the last several weeks, I have been forced to make a very difficult decision. That decision is to jump into a realm that I know nothing about. Jump into an area that I have no experience.
But, for the sake of all of you, for the enlightenment and for the overall entertainment factor of Carnyland, and god knows it needs it, I am proud to announce my candidacy for the Mayor of Carnyland. You carnies, with your small hands, running around smelling like cabbage, will no longer be force to dwindle into obscurity. But will have hope for the future, in me, Aron Stevens, Mayor Of Carnyland, you’re welcome.
– Commercial for NWA Girl Powerrr.
Joe Galli: So the primary field is almost complete for the Carnyland Mayoral Race. I can now confirm that the following have announced that they are running: Thunder Rosa, Zicky Dice, Alllysin Kay, Eli Drake, Aron Stevens, and a mysterious woman from Allysin Kay’s past. In moments, we’ll find out, who from Strictly Business will be running. Now, I’ve already heard some rumors on who that could be. Really, again? Yes, this is Joe Galli. Telegram, I know. Nice hat, why do you guys gotta wear hats? I don’t know, weird part of a uniform. I wonder who this could be from.
Dear Joe,
I’m sorry about making fun of you in earlier telegram, but I need your help. Could you go to my house and water my Japanese peace lily, and bring me some of my throat spray, being a narrator in the future is hard without my little magic sauce to loosen up the old pipes.
Sign, your best friend,
Stu Bennett.
I knew had a soft spot for me. Oh wait, there’s more.
PS, you still suck.
Nick Aldis AD
Nick Aldis: Vote Strictly Business, Vote Nick Aldis.
Spokesman: When it comes to not only surviving, but succeeding in Carnyland, there’s only one name you can trust. Only a name you can count on.
Nick Aldis: You need the leadership, you deserve.
Spokesman: NICK ALDIS! When Villains tried to invade, Strictly Business took a stand. Leading this new Carnyland with power, change, and a future, you deserve.
Nick Aldis: Tomorrow, today. Anyone who’s followed my career, knows that I embody the American Dream. And as someone who smashed every glass ceiling ever put in front of me, I’m gonna smash the glass ceilings for you see. See, I’m not backed by wealthy lobbyists or special interest groups, i’m simply backed by a crazy lifestyle. And because of that, I fight for you, and your interest.
Spokesman: When it comes to voting for Mayor of Carnyland.
Nick Aldis: Vote Nick Aldis for Mayor of Carnyland. Come on, you know it’s the right thing. I know how you feel about politicians. Oh, why, they just lie. But, not me, I just stretched the truth.
Spokesman: This message was brought to you by the friends of Strictly Business.
Checkout Episode 208 of The Hoots Podcast