Opening Segment
What a way to kick-off RAW by having Roman Reigns/Roman Reigns and Friends/Roman Reigns’ Opponent/Generic Authority Figure come down to the ring! This is exciting! Ugh, and wouldn’t you know it, just when the promo about how they’re going to win, and how their opponent is going to lose because “reasons” is really getting good, Roman Reigns/Roman Reigns and Friends/Roman Reigns’ Opponent/Generic Authority Figure just comes out to interrupt! Wow, you can tell they really care by how much they’re smiling, laughing, and pandering to the children in the audience. This just got real! After some great back and forth of “I know you are but what am I,” the Generic Authority Figure just made another MUST SEE main event between Roman Reigns and someone you didn’t know you wanted to see Roman Reigns wrestle, and probably still don’t, and won’t be any happier after it happens, but holy crap! Roman Reigns stands tall despite no wrestling having taken place.
First Segment
Back from the break and thank god Michael Cole is there to remind us of what just happened literally 30 seconds ago. Backstage we see whatever Generic Authority Figure is in charge tonight on the phone with the person who’s really in charge of everything, Stephanie McMahon, and don’t you ever forget it. I’m just glad we have a camera man recording this phone call. In what may be the biggest shocker of the night, someone has barged into their office and is demanding a match with the person they were feuding with last week. I hope he doesn’t give in! Never mind, he just gave in. I wonder when that match will happen. Next?! HOLY MOLLY HOLLY, they are pulling out all the stops tonight! Authority figure stands tall to end the segment.
First Match of the Night
Here we go! I can’t believe these two wrestlers who have wrestled before are wrestling right now and probably at the next pay-per-view! Obviously there is going to be a definitive winner tonight so there is no reason to watch the pay-per-view, right? Oh, boy, here we go! Aaaand here’s a commercial.
We’re back from the commercial and this match had already started during the commercial break. Good thing no one pinned anyone yet. They’re going up to the top rope! This is going to be an INSANE move! I can’t wait! Never mind, Michael Cole is talking about what happened at the beginning of the show between Roman Reigns and someone else. That’s obviously more interesting! WOAH I can see what happened with Roman Reigns backstage during the show by tuning into WWE’s social media channels?! I’m there!
Just realized the match has already ended while I was browsing WWE’s YouTube channel. Maybe the WWE should stop telling its viewers to pay more attention to things other than the TV while the show is still airing? Oh well! Mo’ Reigns, Mo’ problems, yo! YouTube Views stands tall to end this match.
The Next 12 Backstage Segments
Oh man, this segment was so good! They used a lot of comedy/the word “bitch”/random interview segments to really get their point across! Why isn’t this a shirt yet? Never mind, it’s a shirt now! WWE Shop dot com shout out! None of this went anywhere except to promote this week’s/next week’s match which has zero consequence to the upcoming pay-per-view, which absolutely blew my mind with excitement! Is this an early Christmas?! WWE Merchandise stands tall to end every single segment.
Women’s Match Between One of 6 Women on the RAW Roster, or a Bella
I didn’t think this match would matter much – I mean, why would it? – But the WWE has convinced me it absolutely matters because, dammit, it matters. Typically, I would think that a match that really mattered would matter without someone having to tell me it matters, but the WWE has convinced me that isn’t true at all. They’re so smart! It’s even more important now that I know this is the first time these two women have wrestled together in this city with these color tights after they both had steak with A1 sauce for supper. The WWE assures us that this is history and I have no reason to doubt them now! In probably the biggest surprise of the night, this match contains the same 5 spots as the other women’s matches for the past 4 years! What a treat! Steaks with A1 sauce stand tall as the heel recovers/the face smiles and waves at fans.
The Next Five Matches
This match is bound to be an instant classic as it contains as least one wrestler we on the internet have collectively decided the audience isn’t giving the correct reaction to, and at least one wrestler who deserves a monster push despite the lack of reaction/charisma/performance that states otherwise. Not surprising, the wrong person won no matter who won. I seriously don’t understand what the WWE doesn’t see in this wrestler that only I see and only I would pay money to see more of! And wow, did you see that spot that got the crowd going so much that they’re going to do it again and again and again in the coming weeks until the spot doesn’t get any reaction at all?! THIS IS AWESOME CLAP CLAP CLAP. Each match ends in some kind of a screwy way that leads up to their pay-per-view match, which also ends in a screwy way, which we all love! The commentators spend a good portion of the last few minutes of each match talking about the opening segment featuring Roman Reigns. CLAP CLAP CLAP stands tall to end each match with no consequential purpose.
Goodwill Segment with Zero Goodwill
Stephanie McMahon accidentally admitted out loud to everyone on Twitter a few years ago that the only reason the WWE does anything nice is for the free publicity. However, this time it’s clearly different! This time there’s a sick child/disease/Kane Running for Mayor and there’s no way you could fake passion for those things! The commercial is set to the same beat of their pats on the back they’re giving themselves and it makes for a great Nickelback tune. As soon as the WWE is done giving themselves the first PG rated BJ in history, we get a few clips of Triple H and/or Stephanie McMahon congratulating themselves on doing things that other companies have been doing for decades. Treating women like human beings? Not being racist trash? Donating to worthy causes while announcing to themselves how great they are? These rebels against the system are making waves according to their own commercial and possibly TMZ! Congratulations, Stephanie and Triple H, for doing that otherwise nice thing that you had to tell everyone you were doing in a huge video package! Self fellatio stands really hard and throbbing tall to end the commercial.
Main Event: Roman Reigns Versus Someone We Want to Win
Roman Reigns makes his entrance to what sounds suspiciously like muffled booing, which is weird, because I visually see everyone booing but the sound isn’t reflecting that. Something must be wrong with my TV screen. Obviously, we’re all cheering as told to us by the WWE commentators! This match was actually more exciting than I expected. Instead of Superman punch, Samoan drop, Superman punch, EEEWWAAA, Spear, we’re treated to an unexpected series of events like Superman punch ATTEMPT, Samoan drop, Superman punch connecting, EEEWWWAAAAAAA, Spear. Amazing! Roman Reigns goes for the pin as the audience collecting smooshes together to form one giant sized human beach ball. No one is watching Roman Reigns win the match as they toss themselves around the arena. 2.4 Average Ratings stand tall as Roman Reigns ends the show grimacing, and zero reason to tune in next week grins backstage to set up the next RAW.
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