Don’t you hate calling customer service? I know I do. I had to call this week after my product broke and I had a terrible time trying to get anyone to help. I went through all the cliché hang-ups that you could possibly think of. Luckily, I transcribed the entire event so that you could all read it and tell me what you think.
1. Explaining the Situation to a Robot
This seems simple enough, right? You call, they give you some options, you push the number that represents your problem, and you move on with your life. You’d think, but we all know it never works out like that. You invest in a product and you expect it to work like when you invested. That isn’t too much to ask. Then, things start breaking down and you must call that 1-800 number that is the nightmare fuel for the devil’s anus. I put my fears and common sense behind me, then once I stopped coloring, I made the call –
Operator: Thank you for calling the Pro Wrestling Company, how can I help you?
Me: Hi, I’m calling to report a broken Braun Strowman.
Operator: Okay, sir, and what seems to be the problem with your Braun Strowman?
Me: It turned heel. I was in the middle of cheering for it and out of nowhere it turned heel.
Operator: I see, and can you tell me when this happened?
Me: Almost two weeks ago. I gave it a week after it broke to see if maybe it was a malfunction, but no, it’s still heel.
Operator: Well, sir, what we can do for you is send you a complimentary Roman Reigns and a coupon for our next product.
Me: No, no one wants a Roman Reigns. Roman Reigns was heel right out of the package.
Operator: I see, and you do not want a heel Roman Reigns?
Me: I don’t care either way. It’s still a Roman Reigns. Can we get back to my Braun Strowman?
Operator: Would it help if we paired your Braun Strowman with a Dolph Ziggler?
Me: Is that the guy who literally had hashtag heel on his tights for two years?
Operator: Yes, sir.
Me: Then, no. Obviously, no.
Operator: Would it help if we grouped your free Roman Reigns with two other products that you might like?
Me: What? No! And would you please stop using my Braun Strowman problem to sell me on accepting a Roman Reigns?
Operator: It seems your problem is more complicated than I can handle on my end –
Me: It’s really not.
Operator: So, I’m going to send you to the complaint department.
2. The complaint department
From there, you’re usually sent to a complaint department who tries to sound sympathetic to your problem but likely has literally no idea what you’re talking about. It’s someone who often isn’t from your country and almost never has owned the product you’re talking about, yet they’re somehow qualified to help you fix it. Typically, the solution they offer you is just something to shut you up and doesn’t fix the actual problem.
Operator: Hello, thanks for calling the Pro Wrestling Company complaint department. How can I help you?
Me: Yeah, my Braun Strowman broke last week, and my Becky Lynch is starting to act weird.
Operator: I see, and you’re not satisfied with your Braun and Becky Lynch today?
Me: I’m not satisfied with my Braun, no. It’s completely broke. My Becky Lynch is malfunctioning, but it seems to be working better despite turning heel.
Operator: I’m sorry to hear you’re not satisfied with your products today, have you tried going All In?
Me: What? What are you talking about?
Operator: Have you tried going All In? Underground?
Me: Oh god, it’s a foreigner. For once can you guys just send me to someone who speaks the same language as me?
Operator: I’m very sorry, sir, I just thought maybe you’d like a new Okada or a Pentagon Jr.
Me: BRAUN.
Operator: Sorry, sir. Just a suggestion though: Would you like to try our Lucha series completely free?
Me: STROWMAN. Jesus, I have no idea what you’re saying. Do you understand what I’m saying?
Operator: I think so, sir. You’re saying you want a better product?
Me: Exactly.
Operator: So maybe try our NJPW options?
Me: NO. I want the WWE line! I have no idea what you’re saying. I’ve invested a lot of time and money into the WWE line. I’m not ready to abandon it just because a few products broke. I just want you to replace or fix the problem. It has been something I’ve been proud to own before, so I know it’s potential.
Operator: Sir, I’m going to forward you to my supervisor.
3. The Professional Apologist
Last, you’re going to get the last line of defense: the person who doesn’t believe their company has done anything wrong. They make you feel bad for a few minutes before finally caving in and pretending they magically have the “authorization” to give you what you want. We’ve all experienced this. Maybe you’re late on a bill after years of being on time with the same company, or maybe it’s a restaurant whose customer service consists of the owner’s sister. They’ll argue up and down with you to make you feel bad for wanting better service or a replacement for something they did wrong, leading you to feel guilty and entitled for even having a complaint in the first place, before finally giving you the thing they should have given you from the beginning just to make you go away.
Operator: Hi, you had an issue with your Becky Lynch?
Me: Oh, yeah, its broken, but I don’t have a complaint because it’s actually working better than my original Charlotte Flair model.
Operator: No, you only think it does. That’s the results you’re telling yourself in your head and not the results you’re actually being shown.
Me: No. You’re wrong. That’s the opposite of true. Besides, I’m calling about my Braun Strowman. It turned heel a week ago.
Operator: Your Braun Strowman is fine.
Me: It’s actually not.
Operator: Yeah it is. It’s what you actually want and you just won’t accept that fact.
Me: Definitely sure that’s not true.
Operator: Yeah, you’re fine with a heel Braun. It gives you time to appreciate your babyface Roman Reigns more.
Me: But… I don’t. I still dislike my Roman Reigns just as much as before, but now I’m even more disappointed because my Braun is heel.
Operator: But you still buy our product, don’t you?
Me: Yeah, and that makes sense from a business standpoint, but not from a customer satisfaction standpoint. You can only disappoint a customer enough until eventually even the more loyal of customers turn to another company.
Operator: Then go to another company.
Me: What?
Operator: Yeah, fuck right off.
Me: Is this real?
Operator: Yeah, go eat a stroodle. We don’t care. We already have your money and you’ll just come back in a week anyway. Not to mention we’re going to eventually buy out every product from every other company until they’re losing so much money that they end up selling us the entire company, anyway.
Me: *sigh* really not the point.
Operator: Sure, it is. You complain, but you keep coming back. You buy our tickets and click our sponsor’s links, you buy our merchandise and drink from cups that have our company’s logo on them. Besides, what do you think happens when you support a smaller company? It just brings more attention to the industry which in returns points people to the number one manufacturer in the industry and that’s us.
Me: That’s just really bad business. Part of any good business model is customer satisfaction.
Operator: You’re right. But in this case, as is the case with any publicly traded company, our customer is our stockholders, and they come first. We only have to give you the impression that we care about you, and as long as you keep coming back, stockholders invest more money. The system is set up for you, the customer, to lose. Always has been. Welcome to the adult world of business, douche.
Me: I mean… I could just start watching reruns of Frasier.
Operator: What?
Me: Yeah, I mean, you’re right. Going to a smaller company only benefits you in the long run. Anything wrestling related benefits you. So… I could just start watching Frasier or literally any other show.
Operator: Hey, now, you know you’ll be back.
Me: Yeah, kind of like a cat who gets squirt in the face by its owner and then runs to its owner for safety, I could do that. Or a boyfriend who abuses their girlfriend but convinces her she needs him. I could definitely be in an abusive relationship. I could. But luckily, I realize that there is life outside of wrestling. There’s a whole world of TV shows for me to slack off to instead of doing dishes, or folding clothes, or feeding my kids. Hell, I could just cancel Hulu, cable and your Network and never even accidentally give you any penny of my time.
Operator: Look, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here. I see now that we did screw up. You were right. That’s totally our mistake. What can we do for you to make things better?
Me: I’ll take Daniel Bryan with some Miz. For free.
Operator: You got it. Daniel Bryan and the Miz…
Me: Thank you.
Operator: …and Brie Bella.
Me: I hate you.
Operator: I know. See you next week.
I’m a freelance writer, full time father, part time accountant, extremely part time photoshopper, and professional sloth whisperer. You can find my work on several other websites by Googling my name because I don’t think I’m allowed to list them here. I like long walks on the beach, the sore calves you get from walking that long on a beach, getting stung by the jellyfish on that beach, and never walking on a beach again. You can follow me @timrosetweeting where I rarely say anything serious, funny, or worth reading. Follow me!