IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #479
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Thoughts on AEW: Full Gear 2024
1. I don’t know who the Costco guys are.
2. I went to pick the image for this column, and I saw Blue Kane. Which is a more welcome sight than some other images on there, but this isn’t that kind of column.
3. I’m trying to decide if I should go to Dynamite on Wednesday. It’s in Chicago, I’ll be in Chicago, and it was going to the Thanksgiving Eve Dynamite two years ago at that building that made me want to write about wrestling again. But also, then I’d have to drive in fucking Chicago at literally any time, so there is that to consider.
4. Every time I hear Stingray’s shoot name I keep expecting to hear “Paul Walter Hausen” and not his actual last name, but that’s clearly just a Danhausen curse that can overcome anything except not being on this show. I had no idea that seeing him on Rampage last time they were in Minneapolis would be one of, if not the last time we’d see him. He was one of the few who ever got a return vignette. So disappointing.
5. I still have no idea who this guy facing QT is, but one of them is not responsible for QTV, so the pop by default makes sense to me.
6. I know who Paul Wight is. I guess the people in the crowd know what this is all about, and that matters? I guess? I spend most of my time in the woods.
7. I haven’t seen a wrestler slapping hands with this many people since the last time I went to an indy show. I’m sure the people who are really into this are having a great time. I’m also sure the cookies are relevant somehow. I feel like Towelie and I haven’t even lit a J recently, because “I have no idea what’s going on.”
8. The pre-match indy vibes were appropriate. This is an indy match by structure and time being used for the simplest of things, but they’re eating it up. Someone in the crowd is yelling “you’re going down” so I guess she’s a big Ahmed Johnson fan.
9. Goodie, it’s the 3483458th version of a crowd chant to Seven Nation Army.
10. I don’t know why the person at ringside keeps pointing to their face, but I assume that’s the gimmick. I usually feel out of touch, and I intentionally am out of touch, but this is the most out of touch I’ve ever felt watching a wrestling show.
11. The kid at ringside hits a spear and got a huge pop. They love it. I was bored out of my mind, but I’m happy so many people are having fun. I’ll forget about this by the time Zero Hour starts.
12. JBLdammit, they’re gonna make me listen to Use Your Illusion again. I get that it’s November, but otherwise, I’m completely lost on this song being in a wrestling context. The only good thing about this song back in the days of the weekly dances I used to go to every Friday night was it meant you got an extra long slow dance, even longer than Stairway to Heaven, which would be the closer every time. Good JBl, that was 25 years ago…
13. We’re starting off with the four-way tag match, and I can start paying attention to the show, so that’s good. At least the pop for the Outrunners doesn’t make me feel isolated. The bass of that theme song alone is worth a pop.
14. I’ve really appreciated the new visual aesthetic of Dynamite in the last month or so. It’s a much more visually dynamic show. There’s always going to be bad faith critics, as I hear the same complaints about them advertising show locations as I did when it was only on the crawl below. People gonna bitch, but I’ve really noticed the improvements. I admire the people who are able to handle the same comments/questions on a weekly basis without highlighting their annoyance. I do not have that skill.
15. Private Party’s pants look like they were stolen from WrestleMania 2000, and I don’t mean that in a pejorative way. This match itself feels straight out of the Chris Kreski era, and I appreciate that.
16. This is, oddly, a four-face team match, although House of Black are technically tweeners, and the Acclaimed are composed of one legitimate face and one edgelord with a mustache that screams “have a seat right over there,” but I digress.
17. Caster shows his true colors by responding to the crowd chants, and hey, speaking of the Chris Kreski era, “oh no, the two tag partners are both in now, I guess they just have to fight.” They even try to pull the New Age Outlaws win by pinning each other thing. This match is a total throwback. I’m glad to hear Caster getting the actual chants that seem more appropriate, as well as Bowens getting a huge reaction as well.
18. Private Party retain, pinning Max Caster. Good. I wonder if Private Party goes back to being involved in the main event storyline, since Garcia, Dark Order, and Top Flight sure got distracted after being the pick-up truck chasing gang at first.
19. I don’t think Orange Cassidy has a jobber’s chance against Lance Archer in a hallway in the main event tonight, but I do appreciate the dynamics of his character since this storyline began.
20. On the opposite end, I couldn’t give a Happy Gilmore’s shiny Titleist fuck about MJF vs. Roderick Strong. It’s almost like it’s really hard to build a storyline without one of the participants actually being there or something.
21. Oh good, more stalling. We didn’t have enough of that in the Zero Hour indy match. That promo was indy show-style heat too, but it works. I’m not saying that as an insult. Max takes basic things and turns them into effective material.
22. Hearing MJF scream “you’re a BUM!” at Roddy reminds me of a group of people screaming that at Denny Gregory in 2006. I have no idea where it came from, and I don’t think Denny did either, but it was funny at the time.
23. I think this storyline suffered from too many unexplained switches. MJF returned as the face and took out Adam Cole, the heel. Then Max turned heel. Then Adam came back as a face, and it just didn’t fit anymore. And I say this as someone who loved the shit out of their vignettes last summer. I gave them HAM of the Year status. Kyle O’Reilly’s promo was S-tier this past week though, I really liked that.
24. Also in the land of Making no Sense, Adam was like “I’ma do it myself.” Then a week later Roddy’s like “but why tho?” And then Adam’s like “yeah okay, let’s just forget what I said a week ago and do the thing.” I think AEW’s TV (well, Dynamite anyway, Collision has just turned into extended Rampage) has been really strong, but the inconsistencies are really noticeable.
25. MJF wins to the surprise of nobody. Thank JBL we made sure to have that match before the Adam Cole one. If anything made less sense than the dynamic of Adam/MJF, it was Roddy also wanting in there again suddenly.
26. Max wraps a chair around Roddy’s arm, and Adam Cole waits until after MJF stomps it to run out. Timing, you suck at it! Come on, Chugs. You’re better than that.
27. Kyle O’Reilly shows up and gets really mad at Cole for being too late, but I’m pretty sure KOR was even later? And even laterererer, the Kingdom guys. What even is this?
28. Mercedes and Stat is next. I don’t think Stat is going to win, but hopefully this is better than some of Mone’s other matches recently. Also, I hope Kamille’s eventual breakaway doesn’t pull a Luchasaurus and take so long that circumstances don’t even allow it to happen.
29. Remember when Statlander was with Stokely and then they Firm 3.0’d it and barely acknowledged it? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Wasn’t he also following Private Party around too? Maybe he should go find Danhausen and see if they can figure something out.
30. Stat’s looking old school alien boop Statlander in her outfit tonight. I have no additional opinions on that and you can’t prove it.
31. Sign: AEW is DMD’s house? Nah, she’s too busy complaining with George Pickens about how my hometown’s allegedly professional team whooped their asses in the snow.
32. That apron hurricanrana by Mercedes was fuckin’ sick, holy shit.
33. I miss Toni Storm.
34. Nee Big Show at ringside would be proud of that power out that Stat just did. And Christian would be proud of the tantrum Mercedes threw afterward.
35. This match has really picked up. It’s nice that the heat is on the match and not that Mercedes is from Boston. The in-ring chemistry has been improving throughout, and while I haven’t bit on the near-falls by Stat, they’re really getting over. I’m liking this more than I thought I would.
36. Mercedes has a near-fall and damn, what a reaction to the Stat kickout. This match has gone from average to good to really good. It’s nice to see a women’s match on PPV getting actual time. If they have time for that Zero Hour shit, they can certainly make time for wrestlers actually on the JBLdamn show.
37. Mercedes won with a… bite to the thigh and a drop into the ropes? After all that? That was… a choice.
38. I didn’t think Stat was going to win, but I’m still disappointed with that ending. I guess it’s Kamille who might take it?
39. Hangman against Switchblade, I’m very interested to see where this one goes.
40. Doesn’t count if the resident gremlin isn’t at ringside. If you have a Juice, you should make sure they’re with you. And not just because I’m missing Toni Storm and that’s one degree away.
41. The audio pyro is back. I continue to not get it.
42. Their previous match was excellent to see in person, and the crowd response to it did not come off as well on TV as it was there. Probably because of that cavernous building. But the psychology these two are implementing in their feud is ridiculously excellent.
43. Is leaves plants? The world may never know.
44. Just got the Sour Graps email notification, and apparently the social medias are lit up about the Rizzler doing the gigachad face? If I didn’t already delete social media, I would have now. At least I know someone else is taking the piss out of it.
45. Hangman and the double birds to people who are cheering for him. So apt, I love the evolution of this character from where it was when Swerve first showed up.
46. I think the best word I can use for Jay White’s wrestling moves: precise. Everything feels deliberate, intentional, and efficient. The more I watch of him, the more I think that.
47. Switchblade got his ankle jammed and Hangman used it to do some Kurt Angle-like punishment, but honestly after the trap smash, it looked like Jay White was grinning like Jon Moxley having a snake put on his face. I’m sure it was just the perspective, but still…
48. I’ll be damned, Switchblade got him again. What a fantastic match, and Jay White takes glee in his fifth career victory over Hangers.
49. Hangers went out after him in a limp contest, and there was no gremlin save. Rather, Christopher Daniels decided to get in his face and got decked. That about summarizes how effective he’s been.
50. Ospreay and Kyle Fletcher is next. Fletcher done shaved the mop, and 2001 Perry Saturn was heartbroken. I was, however, delighted to not only see Hobbs come back, but as a face and seemingly taking such delight in working the crowd.
51. So when does Mark Davis put on the invisibility cloak hoodie and turn on Ospreay?
52. Ospreay has the grumpy face and is wearing black. Who does he think he is, Orange Cassidy?
53. Kyle Fletcher has the golden crown that Illyrio Callis promised him. I hope he’s not expecting one from Drogo though, that doesn’t end well.
54. Fletcher’s suplex on the floor looked vicious as hell. The slow burn of the Kyle Fletcher build has been impressive, though I do think they need to get Ospreay in the main event sooner or later. Ospreay seems like the kind of stand-up guy who would not tolerate what Mox is doing.
55. Ospreay going for the handspring and finding a way to sell the shoulder, talk about attention to detail. I really like how the Tiger Driver has become the most boss move, and it continues to be so throughout several wrestlers and storylines.
56. Thanks for the gloop, Kyle. And thanks for making sure we saw it, camera person. This match wouldn’t have been the same without it.
57. Ospreay hits… I don’t even know what to call it, but it looked amazing and dangerous as shit. The commentators clarify that Ospreay is “one of a kind.” Why, did they feel the fear in their eyes when he looked at them? That could’ve made them believe, but I’m not certain.
58. This is a nice twist to the “trading chops” face-off, they’re selling each one and trying to out-tough each other. Then the speed picks right back up. The pacing changes in this match more than Dream Theater slips into new time signatures, well done.
59. A night of excellent counters, Fletcher does the Os-cutter as Ospreay was trying to do it himself. This match is excellent.
60. The Os-cutter keeps failing, but goodness there was a near-miss pulling Fletcher to the floor. Thank goodness Ospreay kept a hold of the kid, that was scary.
61. Ospreay is stealing the show again, you can’t keep this guy away from the title program much longer, I don’t think.
62.
