Worst Case Scenarios for WWE Clash of Champions
Well, well, well. Happy days are here again. One week before Christmas Day and we’ve landed on another SmackDown Live Pay Per View. Oh what a merry present indeed! It’s a shame I couldn’t care less about the show then. Bring on Christmas, the New Year, Wrestle Kingdom and the Royal Rumble already!
This column isn’t looking to all that happy crap, this is all about having a bit of fun with the nonsense WWE has presented before us. We’re playing Worst Case Scenarios! Booking the upcoming WWE PPVs as horrifically as possible! The wrong winners, wrong finishes, destroy momentum, set up the wrong stories or arcs. Did I hear you want Shane McMahon as your #1 babyface of SmackDown Live? Well I have you covered, Shane O’Mac will run wild over everyone!
Before we begin, a huge thank you to fellow columnist Rich Latta for playing this ‘prediction’ game with me Thursday on Perfect 10 Wrestling on LOP Radio. I’ll post the show at the end of the column if you wish to witness geniuses at work.
Final quick note, I’ll be skipping the Kick Off match between Mojo Rawley vs Zack Ryder. Do you really think I can book that one any worse?
So, let’s play Worst Case Scenarios for WWE Clash of Champions? Can you book it any worse?
Harper & Rowan rebranded as top indie tag team War Machine, but with big ass hammers. The two bearded giants are damn good as a team though, just patiently waiting for them to be up against the likes of The Usos and New Day. The former of which Harper & Rowan have had fantastic match ups against in the past, so things are looking good at the top of SmackDown’s tag division. As for Breezango, they’re two comical dudes that are there to purely get their asses kicked. So good luck fellas.
Obviously this is going to be a squash match with maybe one or two comedy spots before the demolition begins, but what if I wanted to ruin this entire thing? Let’s say that instead of having one fleeting moment of comedy, the entire match is a comedy! This is the perfect time to take kayfabe as literally as possible and have the Fashion Files straight up arrest The Bludgeon Brothers! I don’t even mean post-match, just half way through have FaBreeze realise the giants are breaking Fashion Law, cuff them with their fluffy handcuffs and walk them out.
The next episode of SmackDown Live Harper & Rowan just have another squash match as if nothing abnormal ever happened and Breezango do another Fashion Files skit. Hooray for inconsistent storytelling! That’ll get ’em over! Oh yeah, don’t forget that this would obviously end in a double count out. Total disregard for wrestling rules those Breezango Boys.
Winner: Draw after double count out.
Baron Corbin vs Bobby Roode vs Dolph Ziggler
Big Banter Corbin, he’s certainly had a rollercoaster year in 2017. Bumped to the Kick Off for WrestleMania, won Money in the Bank, lost Money in the Bank, opened SummerSlam against John ‘Freaking’ Cena, received a massive improvement in entrance music, won the United States Championship and then fell into a filler feud with Sin Cara of all people. What a weird year.
And now we’re here with Corbs defending his title against Bobby Roooo and Mr Ziggles. A match-up with very little heat. Bobby Roode is just strange as a face, Ziggler hasn’t been on TV in ages and Baron Corbin hasn’t had anything to sink his teeth into since becoming champion. In other words, this will probably be a fun match that a lot of fans just don’t care about. That kinda thing can work in the indies, but WWE weigh everything on their characters and storytelling. What part of this match includes either of those things? Only 1/3rd of this match even has an established character.
In terms of booking this match as boringly as possible, there’s one triple threat trope I absolute hate: turning the structure into a rotating one and one match. Two of them wrestle, one goes down and rests on the outside, the third rolls in and we start some more couple’s combat. Basically, just not a Triple Threat match. So let’s go with that! At no time (aside from the start) will there be more than two wrestlers in that ring!
To make matters even greater, we need to make this one on one thing permanent and take one of those guys out! So why not Bobby Roode? I mean, Ziggler needs to make both these new guys look like chumps! But Roode is struggling to establish himself, so we need to allow that man as little momentum as possible. Take him out, doesn’t matter how, just nothing too exciting. There’s loads of crap under that ring, use those improv skills of yours Ziggler. After that Ziggler destroys Corbin and wins with a pin from a perfectly serviceable jumping DDT. No teasing of finishing moves for you, WWE Universe!
RESULT: Ziggler wins by easily beating both Roode & Corbin. The next night Corbin wins the title back and we don’t see Ziggler till the Rumble. Making this entire ordeal a complete waste of time!
The Usos vs The New Day vs Gable & Benjamin vs Rusev & English
You guys ready for yet another cluster? In reality I’m expecting this match to potentially be the most fun match of the night. Fast paced, nonstop tag team wrestling action. These Tag Team Fatal 4 Way bouts are damn good for getting the crowd hyped and off their feet, something this PPV was in desperate need of. So good for you, SmackDown Live. Your tag scene is still your saving grace.
However, I’m here to book this thing like garbage! So, how do you ruin a Fatal 4 Way? Well, I’m sure you all remember that spot where New Day managed to get both of their team members legal and tried to pin each other in a genius loophole? That was rather awesome, but would it have been if they had actually gone through with it and the plan had worked? So let’s completely ignore the rules we learned on that fateful night a couple of years back.
Gable & Benjamin tag in, pin each other and win! The three other teams protest, a second ref runs down and here comes the anticipated match restart! Nope. The second ref talks it out with the official ref and they both agree how Gable & Benjamin won is perfectly fine. Inconsistent application of rules! It’s something WWE are pretty good at, but not quite enough for my liking!
RESULT: Gable & Benjamin pin each other for the win. Also, Big E must throw a sweaty pancake at somebody.
Charlotte vs Natalya
Ah, a Lumberjack match where said Jacks are two groups at war with each other. What an interesting set up for an otherwise ‘meh’ affair. Am I the only one that feels kinda sad that I don’t really care about this match? I feel like I should be at least a little bit intrigued by this one, but I’m just not. At least the saving grace is the rather likely brawl that’ll ensue, everyone likes scrappy brawls, right?
So, Imp’s three step plan to ruin this match!
1 – The Lumberjacks all walk out together, wearing plain shirts with ‘Lumberjack’ boldy written on them. They all mix and chat as if there’s no beef at all, they’re just all inconsequential extras around ringside!
2 – The momentum of the match never gets going. A few restholds, the odd kick or punch. Nothing exciting, nothing that fastens the pace at all. Just hit, resthold. Natalya must also do as much taunting as humanly possible! She’s just so good at that insulting thing, “You like that, huh? Do you like that?” Just top shelf, gold standard levels of heel banter.
3 – Half way through Carmella cashes in her Money in the Bank briefcase and enters the match! We now have a Triple Threat Lumberjack match on our hands! Spoiler alert, she doesn’t win. In fact she’s completely ineffectual.
4 – Natalya wins with a Sharpshooter from outta nowhere! The vital part, no work is done on Charlotte’s legs at all. Hit that baby like an RKO and whack on that next promo package within 15 seconds like you’re TNA.
Man, there aren’t enough ‘surprise’ submissions in WWE today. Also that quick cut to the next match is vital in destroying this match, make everything feel as unimportant as possible. No time on the Lumberjacks, they are literally extras. And no time on Charlotte after losing the title, Natalya is the only one we should care about and even she gets cut off after just 15 seconds.
RESULT: Natalya wins with the surprise Sharpshooter outta nowhere!
If Owens & Zayn lose they are both fired from ALL of WWE
Randy Orton & Shinsuke Nakamura vs Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn
Well, like Eric Young getting married in a Steel Cage, nothing could possibly go wrong here! I’m damn sure McMahon and Bryan will do an exceptional job in keeping the peace and calling the match straight down the middle. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to do something stupid like turn Daniel Bryan heel or something, right? Right? No, pffff, of course not. McMahon won’t get involved in any shenanigans and we’ll all go to bed happy wrestling bunnies.
Both refs in the ring, at the same time! They really are both the Special Guest Referees! Confusing as hell, just how I like it. But that’s not enough, the first thing to consider when a booking a match like this is who do you want to get over? How does this further the plot? So obviously, the answer to that is SmackDown Live’s #1 babyface Shane McMahon MUST come out looking like an absolute beast! Continue what you started at Survivor Series, WWE!
Don’t forget, McMahon needs to win in the most stupid/convoluted way possible. So, as he is an official referee for this bout, he inserts himself into the match and counts his own pin for the victory! He’s an authoritative master at work! Gotta make him look strong for his big WWE Championship match at WrestleMania against Jinder Mahal!
Don’t forget to tease Daniel Bryan wrestling, because there will never be a payoff and it’s evil genius. Owens & Zayn lose yet again and Orton/Nakamura get 0% of the rub from this. They are literal side thoughts, just present due to the need of bodies.
RESULT: Shane McMahon inserts himself into the match and victoriously counts his own pin.
AJ Styles vs Jinder Mahal w/The Singh Brothers
Oh Jinder Mahal, oh how you’ve made me not care about the WWE Championship for half a year. I’m bored during your promos, tired during your matches and worried about your position at the top of the card. At least there’s the flicker of hope that is AJ Styles! Our Luke Skywalker to the living Death Star that is Jinder Mahal. Trying the exact same tact again and again, surprised at the repetitive failure.
This is probably the most predictable out of all the matches I’ve done here, the path to the Dark Side is so strong with this one. Jinder Mahal wins! However, even though the Singh Bros interfering yet again would be absolutely awful, something tells me that would damage AJ Styles enough. So lose clean he must! In a one sided affair it shall be!
Jinder Mahal’s offense is the backbone of this match, he dominates AJ and never really loses his momentum. Styles have a bit of a fightback, this is the main event after all, I’m not a complete monster. Unfortunately, in the end Jinder just awkwardly shrugs everything off and hits his mediocore finisher for the win. Who am I kidding, AJ will probably make the move look amazing. But does that matter if he’s been well and truly beaten by Jinder Muscles?
RESULT: Jinder pins AJ clean after dominating the whole match.
And that’s it!
Hopefully I underwhelmed as much as possible. A PPV that has not that much going for it on paper, but it could still surprise if the wrestlers are allowed the time to showcase just how good they are. Just don’t book it like I did, WWE.
Just remember, things could be worse. Much, much worse.
Follow Imp on Twitter: @TheDamnImplicat