Waking up at 8am so that I can get ready to do a Running Diary for a WWE event on THE COCK is not ideal. It is what it is, though, and that’s what is happening today.
Crown Jewel, like all of the WWE events in Saudi Arabia, has a loaded card. However, like all of the WWE events in Saudi Arabia, that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be a good show. Time will tell.
Either way, I’m ready.
Are you ready?
Well, if I’m ready and you’re ready, there’s only one thing left to do.
Say it with me, folks…
LESS DEW EET!!!
(0:05) After a lengthy video package, we go to Mohammed Abdu Arena On The Boulevard in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. The venue looks good. We’re starting the show with the Hell In A Cell match between Edge and Seth Rollins. Naturally, after a nearly five-minute video package, it’s time for another video package, allowing the Cell to be lowered and fully set up. This match has the potential to be something special.
(0:09) To this day, there are still people who say “Hell In The Cell” when talking about this match. I don’t know why, but that’s pretty funny to me. This is the 50th Cell match in WWE history, stretching back 24 years. You’d think everybody would be on board to call this match by the same name after all this time.
(0:11) WWE and AEW couldn’t be any more different with how they pace things. We’re this far into the show, and we haven’t even finished the ring entrances for the first match yet. By now, AEW would’ve had two matches, a video package, and an in-ring promo take place.
(0:15) The opening bell is heard, 15 minutes into the show. Jeez.
(0:16) We have a pretty wild crowd already. A “this is awesome” chant mere seconds into the match, followed by rapid-fire “yes” chants.
(0:19) Imagine participating in a vicious and violent Hell In A Cell match, and then having to sit on an airplane for the insanely long flight home. I’ve been on long plane rides where I went in perfectly fine and felt like I was hit by a car by the time the plane landed hours later. I don’t even want to know how Edge and Rollins are going to feel, private plane or not.
(0:22) Oh, shit, Rollins is trying to take Edge’s eye out! It continues WWE’s weird obsession over the last two years with having Seth try to do that to people. I mean, come on… Malakai Black is still dealing with the after effects of it, all this time later!
(0:27) With a bit of a breeze in an open-air arena, it’s funny to watch Edge and Rollins have their hair blowing around ever-so-slightly. It’s very cinematic.
(0:31) Rollins kicks out of a Spear! Very believable near fall right there.
(0:31) Another “this is awesome” chant. It’s a very appreciative crowd so far.
(0:36) Sunset Bomb from off of a ladder and through a table! Edge kicks out at two!
(0:39) Edge’s back is all cut up after going through that table. Now, he eats a Superkick, but not just any Superkick. No, no. A Superkick while Rollins has a steel chain wrapped around his boot.
(0:40) LMAO @ Rollins going to hit a Stomp, only for Edge to lift a chair up, causing Rollins to crotch himself on the chair, and then an immediate cut to a little boy in the crowd looking on in horror.
(0:42) Edge hits a Stomp onto a steel chair and picks up the victory. Great, great stuff. Creative spots, which can be pretty difficult to achieve after so many Hell In A Cell matches, and lots of physicality. That was an easy 4.5 stars for me.
(0:45) Edge has tears welling up in his eyes as he looks down at Rollins after the match. He soaks in the cheers from the crowd. Well deserved.
(0:50) Next up, hometown hero Mansoor takes on Mustafa Ali. There’s a lot of potential here, too.
(0:52) There are camels at the base of the stage, right next to the ramp. Whenever they’re shown on camera, I keep thinking that they’re there virtually. Then I see them move, and I remember that they’re real life camels, just chilling there. They don’t flinch at the crowd noise, the ring music, the pyro, or anything. Gangsta ass camels.
(0:56) Ali with the emo-style eyeliner around his eyes. Okay.
(0:59) I wasn’t expecting “Steve Austin in 1999” levels of crowd reaction for Mansoor here, but the fans aren’t cheering for him like I thought they would be. Maybe they’re already worn out after that great opening match, or maybe they realize that their hometown boy is still very low on the WWE ladder. Either way, it’s surprising to me.
(1:03) What isn’t a surprise, however, is how much better Mansoor is booked to look in Saudi Arabia than he is in any American city over the last few months.
(1:04) Mansoor picks up the victory with a neckbreaker variation. I’ll go with 3 stars. Nothing super special, but nothing too offensive, either.
(1:05) After the match, Ali attacks Mansoor, but the attack is interrupted by unfamiliar music. A man walks out in karate gi with his head covered. He gets in the ring and reveals himself to be Olympic Silver Medalist Tareg Hamedi, who gets a huge pop from the crowd. He takes Ali out with a lightning fast kick to the head. Obviously, this was a move that was designed to pop the Saudi crowd, and it was well done.
(1:13) It really seems like The Weeknd has the theme song for every WWE event these days. Just a random observation.
(1:14) Our next match is for the Raw Tag Team Titles, with R-K-Bro defending against AJ Styles and Omos.
(1:17) During the R-K-Bro entrance, Riddle leaves Orton on the ramp, only to return… riding a camel. The camel is strutting its way to the ring. Man… gangsta ass camels.
(1:22) Well, the crowd is certainly back to being rowdy. Loud “bro” chants to start the match, followed by loud “R-K-O” chants when Orton gets in the ring. I’ve said it before, but R-K-Bro is one of the most over acts in all of wrestling.
(1:24) Orton is over like motherfucking rover in Saudi Arabia. My goodness.
(1:27) Riddle is a future WWE/Universal Champion. Not all that long ago, that would’ve been an insane thing to say. He has adapted to the “WWE style” so well.
(1:29) An attempt at a Phenomenal Forearm is turned into an RKO, and then Riddle hits Floating Bro on Styles to pick up the win. The champions retain. It was your usual house show match, popping the crowd with the usual spots that you’ve seen them do on television, but it wasn’t anything tremendous. I think I can go 2.75 stars. Again, it was nothing earth-shattering, but it was nothing you’re going to shake your head at, either.
(1:36) Time for the finals of the Queen’s Crown tournament. Doudrop vs Zelina Vega. This is, most certainly, going to be a thing that happens.
(1:39) Zelina is a very petite woman to begin with, but she looks like a child standing next to Doudrop.
(1:42) I guess it shouldn’t really surprise me that the crowd doesn’t really care about this match so far.
(1:45) In one of the most unbelievable (as in “there’s no way I can believe that could ever happen”) finishes ever, Zelina hits a fucking Code Red on Doudrop to pick up the victory and be the first-ever Queen’s Crown winner. I was right about one thing… the match was certainly a thing that happened. Let’s just call it 2 stars to be nice and we’ll move on.
(1:48) Looks like we’re going to have Goldberg vs Bobby Lashley next. It’s officially being called a No Holds Barred Falls Count Anywhere match, so there’s that. Goldberg has threatened to kill Lashley on multiple occasions, and if there was ever going to be a wrestling event where a murder would take place, this would be it.
(1:55) Goldberg is super over with the Saudi Arabia crowd. What’s funny, though, is that we hear the loud “Gold-berg” chants while the crowd is shown chanting… but it’s not matching up. When you hear “Gold”, you see “Berg”, and vice versa. Piped in chants that aren’t necessary.
(1:59) All that murder talk from Goldberg, but he has been dominated for 99% of the match so far.
(2:03) Lashley sends himself through a table, then eats a Spear and a Jackhammer from Goldberg. Instead of going for the pin, Goldberg is out for blood. Out in the street, they call it murrrrrdaaaaa!
(2:05) After being driven through the ringside barricade, Lashley’s right forearm is bloody. Goldberg has a cut on the side of his head, but it looks more like he nicked himself shaving.
(2:07) As Goldberg stalks Lashley up the ramp, Shelton Benjamin and Cedric Alexander show up to help Lashley, but they’re taken out in seconds. Hey, remember when The Hurt Business was a badass group that was taken seriously?
(2:08) Goldberg hits a Spear on Lashley, sending them both off the ramp and through a crash pad below. It’s enough for Goldberg to pick up the win. Can this fucking guy just go away already? There really wasn’t much to this one. Goldberg being beaten down and being a one-legged man for a bit, and then he pretty much no-sells all of that to hit a few moves and get the win. I don’t even know how to rate the match. Should we just be nice again, say it was 2 stars, and move on?
(2:11) Survivor Series comes to us on November 21st.
(2:14) Time to crown a new King Of The Ring. Finn Balor vs Xavier Woods. This match should be the tits, folks.
(2:19) I’ve seen people predict that Balor wins this, but I don’t think I’ve seen one person, anywhere, say that they WANT Balor to win. People are going to be upset if we don’t get Xavier Woods as the new King. Personally, I don’t want Balor to win, just because I don’t want to hear “The Prince has become The King” on commentary approximately 6.37 million times over the next few months.
(2:25) A “this is awesome” chant has already broken out. I love an easily amused and easily impressed wrestling crowd. The best part about the chant is that the crowd was relatively quiet up until they said it, and then they went back to being relatively quiet again.
(2:28) Woods hits his top-rope elbow drop to pick up the win. He’s the brand new King Of The Ring. I… I’m disappointed in that match. It was another “house show” type of thing where it never really kicked into high gear. Don’t get me wrong… it was fun for what it was. It just never reached the levels I thought it would have and could have. 2.75Â stars.
(2:30) When Zelina Vega won Queen’s Crown, she went to put on the cape that WWE had sitting on the throne, but it wouldn’t snap, so it kinda just fell off her shoulders. Just now, Woods went to put on his cape, but it wouldn’t snap, and it kinda just fell off his shoulders. We’re not off to a great start with their reigns.
(2:33) Next up, Big E defends the WWE Title against Drew McIntyre. It should be a really good match, but it’s the WWE specialty where they try to make a match seem like a really big deal, but the outcome is never in question because they booked themselves into a corner like a bunch of dumbasses. The moves from the WWE Draft take place tomorrow. We’re not getting McIntyre winning this and taking the WWE Title to Smackdown, where the Universal Champion resides. Sure, Brock Lesnar is listed as a free agent, so if he wins the Universal Title tonight, he could be on Raw with it. Technically, that makes sense. However, if Roman Reigns loses his title tonight, is he supposed to just say “oh well” and move on to trying to win the WWE Title instead of trying to get revenge on Lesnar? With everything you know about Roman’s new character, he would make it his life’s mission to get the title back from Lesnar, which means either both titles stay on Smackdown for a bit, or Roman ends up on Raw, defeating the entire point of the Draft.
(2:41) Just two big, power guys throwing each other around. That old chestnut.
(2:48) A loud “Mc-In-ty-re” chant from the adults in the crowd, and the kids in the crowd are shown giving thumbs down to the people doing the chant. Hmm…
(2:53) McIntyre kicked out of a Big Ending earlier, and now, E returns the favor by kicking out of a Claymore.
(2:54) Well, almost on cue, E hits a second Big Ending, this time picking up the victory. It was a good match, but again, it was “house show good” and not “pay-per-view good” like it could’ve been. 3.25 stars.
(2:58) The Smackdown Women’s Title match is up next. Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks vs Bianca Belair. It’s another spot where WWE booked themselves into a weird corner. The Smackdown Women’s Champion is now a member of the Raw roster, and she’s competing in this match against a member of the Raw roster and a member of the Smackdown roster. Logic would indicate Sasha Banks, the Smackdown member, gets the win here. What does that do for the Raw Women’s Title, though? Charlotte Flair, the current titleholder, is a member of the Smackdown roster. Maybe Becky (or Bianca) wins here, and we just get the lame backstage segment where the champions simply switch titles.
(3:05) All three women are wearing full-body bodysuits, but are still wearing t-shirts over them. Not just t-shirts, but baggy t-shirts. Especially Becky, who looks like she’s wearing a shirt that would fit Seth Rollins.
(3:09) There has been at least one “this is awesome” chant for damn near every match on the show. A very appreciative crowd.
(3:16) On multiple occasions now, an awkward moment/spot has been saved by Bianca’s raw power. Impressive, impressive strength.
(3:22) I love the pacing of this match. Even with the usual Triple Threat trope of “one person gets taken out of the match for a couple minutes” that we always see, the match has been non-stop from the start.
(3:25) Becky Lynch picks up the win with a rope-assisted roll-up. Sure enough… the Smackdown Women’s Champion is on Raw and the Raw Women’s Champion is on Smackdown. Sigh. At least the match was a ton of fun. Unique, hair-based offense that you only see in Bianca matches. Three competitors that were hungry to show off in front of the world. I’m going to go with 4 stars. Really fun stuff.
(3:30) Main event time. Roman Reigns defending the Universal Title against Brock Lesnar. These two bring the goods, especially against each other.
(3:35) “I love you, too, my Tribal Chief” still makes me laugh.
(3:41) Long video packages and long ring entrances. We’re going on 12 minutes since my first entry about this match, and we’re not even done with the first entrance for it.
(3:45) The bell finally rings, and we’re underway.
(3:47) Riyadh is definitely Suplex City tonight. Lesnar is over huge.
(3:51) Man, the crowd is just eating everything up in this match, leading to another “this is awesome” chant.
(3:52) Reigns kicks out of an F5 at 2.999! They got me with that one. Wow. This has been everything you would want it to be with who is involved.
(3:54) Reigns counters an F5, locking in a Guillotine Choke, only for Lesnar to break out of it with a Spinebuster. Fun stuff. This really is like watching Godzilla and King Kong go to war.
(3:54) Ref bump!
(3:57) With the Referee down, and with both Reigns and Lesnar also down, Paul Heyman throws the Universal Title into the ring… right in between both men. They fight over the title, allowing The Usos to sneak into the ring and drop Brock with a double Superkick. Reigns then hits Lesnar with the title, and a second Ref counts the three. In some beautifully done drama, Heyman is leaving the ring with The Bloodline, but he looks upset, as if he screwed the plan up. Drama, drama, drama. The match was good. Again, it was everything you would want a Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar match to be. 3.5 stars. We go off the air with Lesnar seething in the ring as he watches Heyman, Reigns, and The Usos celebrate their way up the ramp.
A Match Of The Year candidate to start the show, a Women’s Match Of The Year candidate in the semi-main event spot, two entertaining World Title matches, a feel-good King Of The Ring result, gangsta ass camels… there was a lot to be happy about here, folks.
