The Road To WrestleMania continues on tonight with yet another event before “The Granddaddy Of Them All” takes place.
Tonight, we see one of the most intimidating and physically imposing structures in the history of professional wrestling… the Elimination Chamber. It’s a match that guarantees each person that steps into it pain and suffering. Nobody is the same once they’re involved in an Elimination Chamber match. What kinds of craziness will we see tonight? Time will tell, but the show is about to begin, so let’s rock and roll. You ready? I’m ready. Less dew eet!!!
(0:04) I swear, it feels like these opening video packages for events get longer and longer. We’re not too far off from a 20-minute video package kicking off a Network event.
(0:05) Tonight’s first match is the Smackdown Chamber. Kevin Owens, Jey Uso, King Corbin, Sami Zayn, Cesaro, and Daniel Bryan step into the Chamber, with the winner facing Roman Reigns for the Universal Title either immediately after the match or later in the night, depending on who you’re asking.
(0:08) The conspiracy is in, YET AGAIN, as Sami Zayn’s personal film crew has been banned from ringside before the match begins. When will it end?!?
(0:09) Owens, Zayn, Corbin, and Uso are all out first and enter their respective pods. That means we’re starting the match with Daniel Bryan and Cesaro. Probably the best idea. We’re going to kick things off in the best way.
(0:11) Of course… before Bryan and Cesaro have even made their entrances, we get another video package. Sigh.
(0:16) Damn near 17 minutes into the hour, and we get the bell for our opening match.
(0:18) The first thing I’ve noticed about this match is that WWE has several new camera angles, either through drones or extra camera operators, that they can constantly cut to. Fuck Kevin Dunn. The day he dies will be the day WWE’s product immediately improves as far as viewing ease. Hopefully, that day is soon.
(0:21) After a hard-hitting, physical five minutes, King Corbin enters to bring everyone’s enjoyment of the match down a couple notches.
(0:24) lol @ Sami Zayn yelling “Keep him away from my pod!” as Corbin is trying to use the pods as weapons against Cesaro and Bryan. Sami has got this character down perfectly.
(0:26) It’s not bad wrestling or anything, but the pace of this match has come to a halt with Corbin on offense. The only thing saving him is, again, that this isn’t bad wrestling. He’s smartly going after Bryan’s injured knee.
(0:27) Sami is the next person to enter the match, and he is met by Cesaro, who beats him down right away.
(0:29) Zayn goes to hit Bryan with a Helluva Kick. Bryan, standing up against Kevin Owens’ pod, ducks out of the way, causing Sami to kick the metal. Hard.
(0:31) Oh, boy… Cesaro and Sami Zayn are fighting on top of Jey Uso’s pod. Somebody’s going to get hurt.
(0:32) Jesus, I don’t know if this is any better, but now both men are scaling the side of the Chamber.
(0:32) Cesaro kicks Sami, causing Sami to fall to the metal below… only we didn’t see the landing because we got a camera cut back to Cesaro for some reason. I want Kevin Dunn dead. There’s no fucking excuse for shit like that to happen time and time again on WWE programming.
(0:34) King Corbin is our first elimination, tapping out to Cesaro. As Corbin is leaving the ring, Kevin Owens becomes the next entrant. As Owens leaves his pod, Sami Zayn tries to strike a deal with him to work together. Sami says that he and Owens aren’t the “poster boys” of the company. Owens responds by slamming Sami’s face into the pod.
(0:37) Owens delivers a cannonball to Cesaro in one corner, Bryan in another corner, and then Zayn in a third corner. Amazingly enough, we got to see all three of them, and didn’t just randomly cut to Corey Graves at the commentary table for some reason.
(0:39) Jey Uso enters the match. You could call it convenient that the cousin of Roman Reigns is the last one in. More for Sami to yell “conspiracy” about, I guess. Unfortunately for Jey, he has been getting his ass kicked by Kevin Owens from the moment his pod door opened, so… not much of a reward.
(0:41) Moonsault from Kevin Owens from the top of a pod, taking out the other competitors in the match! He’s following it up by hitting everyone with a Stunner, last hitting Zayn with one for an elimination. Owens, Bryan, Uso, and Cesaro are the final four here.
(0:42) As Sami is making his exit, Jey Uso slams the Chamber door on Owens’ arm, following it up with several superkicks. A top rope splash finishes it for Uso, and he pins Owens. We’re down to three.
(0:45) A modified Cesaro Swing sees the Swiss Cyborg swinging Jey Uso into the Chamber mesh again and again, including one slam into the metal bars for good measure. Cool spot.
(0:47) While Uso is out and nursing his Cesaro Swing pain, Bryan and Cesaro are having another fun “one-on-one” match with some nice reversals and physicality.
(0:49) Cesaro delivers a one-legged Swing to Daniel Bryan’s bad knee, but it is beautifully intercepted by Jey Uso. Cesaro is eliminated. We’re down to just Jey Uso and Daniel Bryan, with the winner facing Roman Reigns for the Universal Title.
(0:50) Jey tries a big splash from the top of a pod, only for Bryan to get his legs up. A running knee picks up the victory for Daniel Bryan. That was a lot of fun, as expected. It was everything we thought it would be, based on who was involved. That was 4 stars. It was probably even higher than that, but we didn’t see a handful of spots, so how the hell would any of us know? Fuck you, Kevin Dunn, you buck-toothed goof.
(0:53) With Bryan still on his stomach and dealing with 35-ish minutes worth of Elimination Chamber pain, Roman Reigns is on his way to the ring for the Universal Title match. Here we go.
(0:54) At the bell, Reigns charges in for a Spear, only for Bryan to counter into the Yes Lock. He doesn’t have the strength to keep it locked in enough, and Roman escapes. That was a really good “swerve” to start things off, though.
(0:55) Reigns batters Bryan unconscious, then locks on the Guillotine Choke. Bryan is unable to respond to the Referee, who calls for the bell. Reigns retains the Universal Title. Not a match that is going to get a rating, of course, but it did what it was supposed to do. Reigns picks up the win is the most chickenshit way possible, putting even more heat on him.
(0:58) As Reigns is celebrating, Edge FUCKING TELEPORTS OUT OF NOWHERE to hit him with a Spear. Edge then points at the WrestleMania sign, seemingly answering the question about who he wants at Mania, and he leans in to whisper something in Roman’s ear. Probably something about cryptocurrency, if I had to guess.
(1:03) Bad Bunny is talking to Sonya Deville backstage, but they’re interrupted by The Miz. They trade barbs, and then trade a little bit of physicality. Miz tries to go after Bad Bunny, only for Damian Priest to step in. Okay.
(1:04) Next up, Bobby Lashley defends the United States Title against Riddle and John Morrison. Morrison won a match on the Kickoff Show to earn this shot, replacing Keith Lee, who is listed as being out with an injury, but it seems like nobody knows the actual reason why Lee is out. Lots of mystery surrounding this one.
(1:07) Lashley has beaten Riddle approximately 38 consecutive times. Before tonight, if my math is correct, Morrison hasn’t won a match for WWE since 1976. Using WWE logic, Lashley is going to lose the title here, isn’t he?
(1:11) The champ is just physically mauling both of his opponents so far.
(1:13) Morrison and Riddle decide to work together, and they go on the offensive… for 15 seconds, before Lashley beats them both down again.
(1:16) Morrison completely misses Starship Pain for the 2,894th consecutive time.
(1:17) After Riddle hits Lashley with MVP’s crutch, taking Lashley out of the match for a moment, Riddle lands the Bro Derek on Morrison for the win. We have a new United States Champion. At least Lashley can be moved up the card now. Maybe. Possibly. The match itself did its job. It didn’t have enough to reach 3 stars, but it wasn’t offensive. Let’s say 2.75 stars and move on.
(1:20) We’re 48 days away from the first night of WrestleMania. Good times.
(1:21) Next up is Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler defending the WWE Women’s Tag Team Titles against Sasha Banks and Bianca Belair, because WWE is physically incapable of having the Raw or Smackdown Women’s Champion stay out of matches for the Women’s Tag Team Titles.
(1:26) If there’s one way WWE could ruin Bianca Belair, it’s having her play to Vince McMahon’s stupid sense of humor. Bianca constantly spanking her own butt to make fun of Nia Jax and her “MY HOLE” comment looks stupid. Cut it out, WWE. Bianca’s supposed to be a lot cooler than that.
(1:27) It’s a very bold move for WWE to have their big money, big fight women’s match at WrestleMania on the line here as both Sasha and Bianca run the risk of being injured by Nia Jax.
(1:33) I know I mentioned this already, but can we get a Women’s Tag Team Title feud that doesn’t involve the Raw or Smackdown Women’s Champion? It’s lazy. It’s stupid.
(1:36) Reggie Reg Da Gawd makes his way to ringside and offers a bottle of champagne to Sasha, trying to get her to use it as a weapon on Nia. The Referee sees the bottle, takes it away from Sasha, but Nia capitalizes on the confusion to pick up the win. What a stupid finish, making Sasha look like a doofus. The champs retain. Sorry to say, but there just wasn’t a lot to that one. Not counting the lame ass ending, none of the women involved really had a chance to shine. Let’s say 2.5 stars to be nice. Let’s hurry up and get Dakota Kai and Raquel Gonzalez the titles already.
(1:39) MVP and The Miz are shown having a very serious discussion backstage. Uh oh. Don’t do it, MVP. Don’t invite Miz to the cookout! He probably puts raisins in his potato salad!
(1:41) Our next match is the night’s main event. Already? Wow. Either we’re getting a shorter-than-usual show, or the WWE Title Chamber (and possibly the post-match shenaniganery) is going to be LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG. Originally, there was supposed to be a Raw Women’s Title match on the show, but it’s rumored to be off the card completely now. It certainly wouldn’t make sense to have it be the show’s main event, that’s for sure.
(1:48) Drew McIntyre, AJ Styles, Kofi Kingston, and Sheamus are all out to enter their pods. Based on his victory on Raw, we know Sheamus will be the final entrant into the Chamber. We now know that things will be getting started with Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton.
(1:53) I’m not 100% sure on what I’m expecting from this match. Based on the lineup, you might think this will be a little slower paced than the other Chamber match on this card, but also that it will be a lot more physical. With The Miz still having his Money In The Bank briefcase, and with The Fiend always a possibility of returning, there are a lot of unanswered questions here.
(1:58) Drew McIntyre makes his way into the match, and he goes straight after Orton.
(2:00) The champion looked dominant for a couple minutes before having his momentum stopped by one of Randy Orton’s rope-assisted DDTs.
(2:02) Kofi Kingston is the next to enter the Chamber, and within seconds, Kofi rolls Orton up for a surprise elimination. Orton responds by hitting Kofi with an RKO, followed up by an RKO to Jeff Hardy just for fun. With all the carnage, AJ Styles has Omos rip the back panel of his pod off. AJ hops out of the pod, runs around the ring, and enters the match to get a two-count on Kofi and a two-count on Hardy. Adam Pearce comes out to ban Omos from ringside. I mean… technically, that’s a smart strategy from Styles. He wanted to take advantage of two fallen competitors, but why would the Referee make the count for someone who wasn’t even officially in the match? What is even the point of the rules to this match if someone can just enter when they want and make pinfall attempts? Then again… with the back panel of AJ’s pod missing, that provides the opening, literally and figuratively, for someone else to enter the Chamber.
(2:09) Sheamus is now officially in the match. He and McIntyre are brawling right away. They’re beating the hell out of each other.
(2:13) McIntyre and Sheamus keep brawling, only to stopped occasionally by another person, only for them to dispose of said person and go back to brawling. Nice touch.
(2:16) Kofi with a “trust fall” dive from the top of one of the pods, wiping out the other four men in the match. Nicely done.
(2:17) Well, it didn’t lead to anything. A Brogue Kick from Sheamus eliminates Kingston. We’re now down to McIntyre, Sheamus, Hardy, and Styles.
(2:19) A mini-burst of offense from Hardy comes to a quick end after taking a Claymore from McIntyre. Hardy has been eliminated.
(2:21) AJ absolutely SQUISHED McIntyre with a dive off the top rope, landing with all of his body weight on Drew’s midsection. Ouch. For good measure, AJ went back up and landed a 450 on the WWE Champion right after that.
(2:22) Sheamus delivering 10 Beats Of The Bodhrán always… ALWAYS… looks impressive.
(2:24) In a surprise move, Styles eliminates Sheamus after a Phenomenal Forearm, hitting him after Sheamus hit McIntyre with a Brogue Kick. We’re down to just McIntyre and Styles now.
(2:25) HOLY SHIT! AJ goes for a Phenomenal Forearm on McIntyre, but Drew interrupts the move by hitting a Claymore in mid-air, nearly taking AJ’s head off. McIntyre gets the win, retaining the title. Wow. What an ending.
(2:26) As McIntyre celebrates, he is attacked by Bobby Lashley. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No. No, no, no.
(2:27) Lashley is just mollywhopping McIntyre all around the ringside area. No, no, no, no, no…
(2:28) The Miz runs out with a Referee, and it’s time for him to cash in his Money In The Bank contract. No, no, no, no, no…
(2:29) Fuck my life. The Miz is the new WWE Champion. Hot garbage. After another easy 4-star Chamber match, that’s how we go off the air. Wow. I don’t have enough hands to justify the face palm that is required for this.