I remember when the Usos and Roman Reigns dumped dog food all over Baron Corbin. I remember thinking to myself that this was the epitome of the PG era. It really couldn’t get anymore juvenile than this. This was the thought “we’re catering to children” taking physical form. I know that, because if I were still 5-years-old, that segment would have been hilarious to me. So, I crossed my fingers and hoped to God WWE would grow the hell up with me. I wanted to see something a more mature version of me would enjoy. Well, I got my wish. The WWE did in fact run an angle last night that an older version of me would enjoy. Unfortunately, that older version was 13-year-old me.
Retribution, who were dead-on-arrival anyway, somehow managed to Katie Vick their own corpse last night when they finally took off their hoods to reveal that they were my “WWE Smackdown vs Raw 2006” create-a-wrestlers the whole time. There were reports that people backstage were laughing at the reveal which seems like a waste of resources. I don’t have to know anyone in the business to know that the appropriate response upon seeing their faces was to laugh. In fact, here’s some breaking news: if you didn’t laugh when Retribution unhooded, you’re dead inside . Laugh because they look funny. Laugh because this was an epic failure on WWE’s part after months of build-up. Laugh because you were watching Frasier instead and that show is meant to be funny.
I do recognize that I’m not the type of person the WWE is trying to appease with this gimmick. You know the types: people with eyes. I get that. We were cursed with the ability to see things and we’re being punished for that. I would be willing to let their abysmal look go if it weren’t for the fact that I was plagued with the ability to hear, too. Mia Yim was the first to cut a promo, and it went about as horrible as you’d expect by this point. Her mask was too big so it kept falling off when she spoke. Let’s not even get into the fact that Mia Yim is one of the most beautiful women in the WWE, so naturally they covered her face up.
Then, Dominik Dijakovic spoke and I’m pretty sure he had to rehearse every Saturday Morning Cartoon villain cliché before speaking. If there was a platitude he missed, I’m sure it’ll be on their first t-shirt by next week. Finally, The Hurt Business came out and cut him off just short of saying, “I’ll get you next time, Gadget!”
The storyline up to this point is the biggest joke of all. I remember in August that I announced via Twitter (@TimRoseJr) that I had completely given up on the Retribution stable and storyline. It was very clear that the WWE did not have an endgame in mind. Fast forward to the middle of September, and now the WWE is nailing us with a Sammy Guevara-esque chairshot to the face full of evidence that they didn’t have a plan all along.
Retribution first started as a terrorist group. They damaged WWE’s property by throwing bricks through invisible windows, knocked over a box full of knickknacks and doodads, and threatened to beat up some random woman from another TV show. You know, typical terrorism. Adam Pearce would hire a new group of security guards every week, including their very own Hurt Business, to stop them from ever setting foot inside a WWE ring ever, ever again. This all accumulated to the moment when the WWE would retaliate by giving them WWE contracts, so they could step foot inside a WWE ring because… reasons? Dog food? I’m sure this has something to do with dog food.
To add insult to injury, their names are T-Bar, Mace, and Slapjack. Which one is which? It doesn’t matter and you shouldn’t bother to figure it out, because this angle will be shipped back to Ohio Valley Wrestling within a few weeks. It’s not every day that the stars align so perfectly, but if I thought for a second that this wasn’t just a randomized create-a-wrestler from a video game, their new names definitely solidified it. I can’t wait for Mia Yim and Mercedes Martinez to receive their new names. I’ll just guess “Hard Face” and “Cutter McGee.” I don’t care which one gets which name. In fact, they should just freebird-style their names each week.
Literally nothing can save this storyline now. I mean that “literally” when I say literally. Nothing can save it. I don’t care if the WWE backs a Strowman sized truck of money into my backyard as a bribe and dumps it all over my face like a literal money shot, because I’ll still be thinking in the back of my head “What if the Oddities but 2020?” At this point, the best thing the WWE can do with this angle is send it over to Thursday Night Main Event to face Mustafa Ali where no one will ever see it ever again.